It’s Exactly What It Looked Like

Okay, I’m as surprised as anyone else that I’m posting yet again this week. It feels like the old days again.

So I heard an interesting story on the news last night: A PTA mom was caught in the parking lot of a school with her windows fogged up and a teenage boy in the passenger seat. The police caught them kissing and they both literally had their pants down. I don’t think it takes a genius to figure out that one. Surely they both lost their pants to a random de-pantser who was running around pulling down the pants of unsuspecting victims. The woman and the boy were so embarrassed that they immediately jumped in the car. They were so traumatized by the event that they were breathing hard and fogged up the windows and neither of them could think straight enough to pull their pants up. Yep, I really think that’s what happened….

The district has not relieved the woman of her position in the PTA yet because they haven’t heard all the facts of the case. Um, what else do they need to hear? Yes something that shouldn’t have been going on was going on. Yes the lady behaved inappropriately. This isn’t unfounded rumors. The police caught them together. She should have been let go immediately. What’s left to figure out? I don’t know most of the facts of the case, but I know the only ones that matter: she was making out with a teenage boy and they both had their pants down. Case closed. No need for discussion or hearings or due process. My verdict is guilty, not that I expect much to happen to her.

Status: Wondering what will happen with the case and feeling sympathy for the woman’s teenage daughter.

Ben Savage Makes Me Smile

I was watching Without A Trace last night because Law & Order SVU was not on and I saw the name Ben Savage go across the screen. I wasn’t sure if I was going to watch the entire episode but once I saw that name, I became more attentive because I was looking for him. I saw him and it brought an instant smile to my face and I remembered names like Cory, Topanga, Shawn and Eric. I can’t look at Ben Savage and not think Boy Meets World. Truthfully, I can’t hear his name and not think Boy Meets World. I sometimes think Little Monsters as well because I keep thinking he played a kid in that movie and his real life older brother, Fred Savage played his older brother. As a random side note, Fred Savage was good on Law & Order when he was a guest star. He’s another one who is locked in for me. I hear Fred Savage and immediately think Wonder Years and Winnie. It still makes me sad to remember that he and Winnie did not end up together, which may be weird to some because I think I was like nine or ten when the show went off and I don’t remember much about the show, but I do remember wanting to cry because of the way it ended. It hurt to know that they did not get married and I was upset that the narrator told us that, I would have preferred being kept in the dark and being allowed to fantasize that they did end up together. It’s strange that I thought so much about it when I was so young and for some reason that stuck with me.

Also, I can’t think of Ben Savage and not think of Rider Strong. Surprisingly though, Rider Strong doesn’t lead me directly to Boy Meets World anymore. I hear Rider Strong and think “Cabin Fever, what a horrible movie,” then I think Boy Meets World then I remember seeing him face to face. Rider Strong was in one of my introductory psychology classes during my freshman year at Columbia. His eyes are just as amazing in person as they looked on television.

Anyway, I brought this up because seeing Ben made me happy.

Status: Taking the scenic route down memory lane.

The Not-So-Secret Secret Service

Okay, I have never claimed to be Bush’s biggest fan, but the whole shoe throwing incident was ridiculous. Was the Secret Service asleep? How the hell does a guy get a chance to throw not one, but two shoes at the President of the United States of America? Are you freaking kidding me! I’m embarrassed as an American that something like that could happen. Although even I had a good laugh at the incident. Thanks to the world news I now know that it is a great insult in Iraq to throw your shoes at someone.

Anyway, where was the Secret Service? Aren’t they supposed to be like a few feet away from Bush at times like those? I mean I halfway expected the guy to throw the shoe and a Secret Service agent to come out of no where and knock Bush out of the way. Heck, I can even picture the agent jumping in front of Bush and letting the shoe hit him instead. I guess I’m not up to date on what the Secret Service does, because apparently none of them do shoe duty. Perhaps I can let the first shoe slide as a complete surprise, but the Secret Service took way too long to get to my President. Luckily my President has a long history of ducking things, so he was fine, but come on. They’re supposed to be the Secret Service, not the First Responders; which is to say that they are supposed to be there before something happens and as something is happening, not just after something has happened.

On a different note, I don’t think the guy should go to jail for a long time, which is what the news is saying will happen to him. Up to 2 years for a shoe? I understand that technically he attacked President Bush, but it was a SHOE people! It wasn’t a knife or a gun or a boot with spurs on it or a shoe with pins or something sticking out of it. It was a regular shoe.

Status: Thinking that the Secret Service is slipping and needs to step up its game, but feeling the need to add that I love the Secret Service in case they happen to be patrolling the Internet :-).

Is it 2009 Yet?

I have decided to let go of some of my fears. I have made up my mind to talk myself through some of my issues, the biggest of which is self-doubt. I’m tired of wondering what I could be doing and dreaming about what I should be doing. It’s ridiculous that I keep limiting myself for fear of how people might perceive me. And I think I’m beginning to sound like a broken record when it comes to this.

I’m not normal. I have never tried to pretend that I was. I like things that I probably shouldn’t like; my mind works in a way that most people would find odd and yet I’m okay with who I am and often brag about being weird. I’m one of those people who don’t understand what the big deal is about being normal and who sincerely doubts that anyone is completely “normal,” whatever that may be. I think it’s time to put my money where my mouth is. If I’m really okay with who I am and all that it means I shouldn’t be afraid of what will happen when I expose myself to people. I know that their judgment isn’t going to change me in any way. Knowing me, it will probably just give me inspiration for another story.

It’s a little early for a New Year’s Resolution, but I’m going to make my first one anyway: I will not let my fears cripple me in 2009. I make this sort of resolution all the time and then I fall back in to the same rut, but I know next year will be different. The fact that I’ve announced that I will begin publishing my stories means that I have to do it, so that is at least one major fear of mine that I will have to confront next year. I think I may finally be ready.

Status: Trying to work things out in my mind.

Out of Focus

I have spent the last two days in a mental fog, trying to force myself to focus on things that I should be focusing on instead of being distracted by things of little importance. I feel like my mind has fractured in to hundreds of pieces and each little piece has a different task that needs to be completed. Everything I have done over this 48 hour period has been dominated by thoughts of things I could be doing or should be doing and one thought in particular.

I sign on the internet to read the news and I immediately think I should be updating my blog, or adding something to my website or working on like ten other things. I start editing a story and then I start thinking about my other stories or I think about the current story idea that is parading around in my head begging for attention. I know how I can be sometimes when I get a new story idea and to be honest, I think that’s a major part of my problem.

The solution to my wandering mind is simple: find a corner, curl up with my laptop, and let the short story that is in my head out before it drives me up a wall.

If only life were that simple though. I don’t have the time this week to devote a day to writing so I’ve been trying to make up for it by writing down parts of the story while I watch my primetime programming. I hate when I get obsessed with a new story idea! I can’t wait until I finish writing down this story. The only good part of not being able to focus on anything for too long is that I suddenly start catching up short tasks that I need to do because I keep thinking of things on my mental “to do” list and obviously, the shorter tasks are easier to complete, which helps me feel like I’m at least doing something.

It’s hard to explain how one lingering thought can throw off the balance of other thoughts in my mind.

Status: Wondering if I can truly blame my lack of focus on the story idea or if it may also have something to do with me rebounding from my downward spiral from before…hmm.

A Fine Film, oh and that Twilight Movie

Today I watched a movie I had no business watching. It was sweet and sad and tender and heartbreaking. I’m really beginning to seriously fall in love with independent and foreign films. I feel like I should be going to festivals and enjoying these movies first hand. On the other hand, I wasted the day away watching that movie and clips of random movies I’ve never heard of when I should have been working or at least taking advantage of my free time and getting some writing done. I just love an original story or a story that has a way of phrasing things that reaches directly to my heart and knocks on it. Some stories go over my head, some stories are a waste of time, but some stories completely captivate me. The story I watched today had me eagerly waiting for what would happen next so much so that I decided to watch the rest of the movie and be late signing in to work because it was that important to me to know what happened. I haven’t seen a movie like that in a while. It wasn’t a happy story but it wasn’t all dark either and there were parts that were a bit graphic but they were graphic for a reason and not just because they could be.

Speaking of movies, it is with great shame that I confess to going to see Twilight. I felt like such a teenager when I walked up and bought the ticket. The bad part is that I still look like a teenager and I was with a friend who still looks like a teenager so it was weird. It felt like I was traveling back in time. I hadn’t read the book, but I heard rave reviews of the book from people I knew. I expected a teen movie and that was exactly what I got. I tried not to judge the movie too harshly. I was surprised though that the movie was fairly tame considering some of the other teen movies I’ve seen. I’m not so sure what all the fuss is about, but I’m also not the demographic that the book was written for so I’m going to keep my not so nice comments to myself. It wasn’t a bad movie per say, but it was also not a movie that makes you think or moves you in any particular way.

Status: Amazed by the thoughts and artistic expressions of others.

The Chosen Ones

I wonder about odd things sometimes. Things that have nothing to do with me, but strike my interest. Like why wouldn’t the federal government let National City Bank apply for aid, yet the federal government gave aid to PNC Bank and PNC is using that money to buy National City Bank. Hmm, to a mere citizen like me, that sounds strange. Why not just give National City the money? Why force them to merge with a larger bank? I’ve been hearing a lot about it on the local news, and apparently some Ohio politicians are wondering the same thing as me. Perhaps I should have taken some economics classes. I’m sure if I had, I would be able to make some sense of this.

Oh a different note, I have decided to attempt to learn a little html coding so I can do more things to my website. I keep talking about the changes I’m going to make to it and I seem behind in that as well. I was supposed to add some of my poetry like a month ago, if not longer, and that has yet to happen.

On a positive note though, I have been doing a lot more story editing as opposed to story writing, which has resulted in more updates than usual. Hopefully that won’t be a temporary change, but I’ve learned my lesson with making promises. If another story pops in my head or if I think of changes to make to future chapters of already posted stories, I know I will be powerless to stop myself from writing it down. Darn my mad genius! (And yes that was meant to be a facetious comment) I don’t take myself that seriously, mad, perhaps, genius, I think not.

Status: Going over scenarios for my future and trying to decide which ones are even plausible.

Holiday Spirit

Thanksgiving has come and gone and I’m starting to realize that the holidays are not good for me. I’m always excited leading up to the holiday, then the holiday comes and I have to worry if I’m going to be dragged along to visit people or if people have invited themselves to my family dinner. Fortunately this year was free of people who invited themselves and visits to people other than immediate family who I want to see. This is the first year in a long time that I could say that.

The reason the holidays are not good for me is because the next day I start thinking about all the goals I had the previous year and how few of them I’ve accomplished. There were a lot of things I wanted to have done by Thanksgiving and my actual results were rather disappointing. I don’t know if it’s me or if it’s life or both, but something is off.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a glass half-full type of person, but there’s something dragging my spirit down, if that makes sense. I need to figure out what it is so I can go back to the ridiculously happy me that I miss so much. The ‘me’ that I only see occasionally now.

Status: Wondering if I’m beginning to have a problem with depression or if my life really is that depressing.

Will & Grace Watch Luke and Noah

Okay, so I was all for the Luke and Noah storyline on As the World Turns. It started out pretty good, it had a nice soapy feeling to it then it slowly became a complete drag. I was sick and tired of the storyline and it wasn’t just because the characters did not kiss for a long period of time, it was because the storyline was horrible, but I couldn’t complain because the other storylines on the show were just as bad. Eventually, Luke and Noah started acting like a regular couple and now have a real story, and though their new story is slightly disturbing to me, it is evidence that they are now being treated like a regular soap couple.

Anyway, I bring this up because I read spoilers about the show every now and then so I can decide if I want to bother watching the episode online or just let it be something I missed. I’m sick of Brad’s character by the way, but I’m in love with Carly. Of course I watched the episode where Brian kissed Luke! That was a must see episode. Although I admit that the kiss left me feeling squirmy like I had just witnessed somebody being molested or something. My reaction had nothing to do with the age difference and everything to do with the way the scene was shot and the dialogue was written. Brian was taking care of Luke like a father would and then suddenly he was stealing a kiss. It was troubling to me.

Now that I have gotten completely off topic, let me try to get back to the reason for this post. There was a long time when Luke and Noah did not kiss. The show found some creative and some less than creative ways to keep Luke and Noah’s lips from making contact. In one episode the camera panned away right when Luke and Noah were about to kiss. Some YouTuber has created a “Will & Grace” spoof of the Luke and Noah non-kiss by editing footage from both shows. I found it amusing, so I decided to share it.




I actually saw that episode of As The World Turns when it aired, and I had the same, wtf reaction when the camera panned away. That was when I knew for sure that Luke and Noah were going to take a few steps backwards and revert to elementary kids holding hands and calling that a relationship (not that there’s anything wrong with holding hands but this is a soap opera). Things are better now so I won’t complain.

I Write Too Much

I am glad to report that the torture has ended! I am officially done being ignored, mistreated, and disrespected on a daily basis and it feels great! I want to climb on a rooftop and shout “Hallelujah! Thank you Jesus!” although I wonder if that is taking the name of Jesus in vain. I was never really clear on what constituted taking the Lord’s name in vain.

I need to consolidate my disks, because I have stories and poems scattered all over the place, but I’m too lazy to take the time to do that. I was going through some of my disks today and found a lot of things I have written and don’t remember writing.

Status: Trying to get back on track.

A Quick Poem

I realize it’s been a while since I shared a poem, so here’s a short one:

Spoken Secrets

Here’s to the sounds,
Seamlessly stringing moments together
Flawlessly allowing things that aren’t to become things that are
It’s madness and nothingness and spoken secrets

Waves of confusion masked as calming tides of thought
Moving slowly and retracting quickly
The baby steps in the sand are all that is erased

Sounds bounce and echo coming back as something less
It’s the unseen that redeems the unheard
Calling forth blurry images of people and places
Incomplete visions of nothing but moving lips

Waves of confusion masked as calming tides of thought
Moving slowly and retracting quickly
The baby steps in the sand are all that is erased,
It’s madness and nothingness.

Status: Recovering from another long day.

Barack Obama, Proposition 8, Shameless Ranting and My Failure to Receive God's Memos

Okay, so apparently the students have gotten to me so badly that I forgot to mention the two major events of last week. Barack Obama is the president elect of the United States of America! His landslide victory made me feel sorry for John McCain and I still think that the race would have been closer if McCain hadn’t selected Sarah Palin as his running mate, but that’s just my opinion.

The other major event that happened last week was the passage of Proposition 8 in California. I expected it to pass because of what I was hearing, but I was still stunned when it did pass. Before it passed, I joked with a friend that I looked to California for my liberal guidance and I didn’t know what I would do if the state passed a ban on gay marriage. I still don’t understand how a decision like that can be put up to popular vote.

Now I need to be politically incorrect. Everyone is saying that the religious vote pushed it over. Apparently traditional marriage must be protected. I’d like to take a moment and play devil’s advocate on this one. I think traditional marriage should be protected. I think eloping should be outlawed and no one should be allowed to have a quickie marriage in Las Vegas because marriage is a serious institution which should not be entered in to lightly. I think people should only be allowed to get divorced if there is abuse involved because divorcing someone due to the fact that you don’t like them anymore is not a good enough reason. Oh and while we’re at it, I think adultery should be considered a serious crime because it is an act against the sanctity of marriage and a violation of the traditional marriage.

On a less facetious note, I think the overly religious people who poured their money in to trying to get the ban passed should take a look at their own congregations before they start casting stones at others. How many “traditional marriages” do their congregants have and anyone who has been divorced, has committed adultery or has a baby out of wedlock doesn’t count.

The idea that churches would somehow be forced to perform same-sex marriages is almost ridiculous. A reverend has the right to refuse to marry people, just as a rabbi has the right not to perform an interfaith marriage. I know people who have been directly affected by both. Some ministers don’t want to perform marriages for people who haven’t been baptized or people who aren’t members of their congregation. Religious institutions have, and unfortunately always will have, the right of refusal. They can even refuse to let a funeral be held at their location and with the amount of money that some religious institutions bring in, I almost want to laugh that they even mentioned losing funding. I thought churches were run on faith and where there’s faith there’s a way, right?

I like to believe I’m a religious person, but sometimes I wonder if perhaps I am not as religious as I should be, because apparently I’ve been missing a lot of God’s memos.

Status: Thanking God that there are some churches out there that understand the meaning of “come as you are” and freely accept that we are all sinners.

Don’t Do Long Term Favors for People

I’ve learned my lesson the hard way: don’t do long term favors for people. Short term favors are still okay, but don’t commit yourself to something long term. I did a favor for someone. I am essentially working two full-time jobs. My few hours of teaching have morphed in to me basically working as a full-time teacher, because I teach classes all day, I grade papers and homework and all that crap, but I don’t get paid like a teacher. This was supposed to be for a month and now the date keeps getting pushed back. It probably wouldn’t be a problem if the kids were okay, but the kids are horrible.

The kids don’t know how to whisper. They yell at the person sitting right next to them. They are so loud that I spend about half the class time asking them to be quiet so that their classmates who do want to learn can hear me. As luck would have it, I got a cold and I was very hoarse. The kids didn’t care. I still had to try to out talk them. If I wasn’t there as a favor to someone, I would have called in sick because it was ridiculous. I have written kids up, gotten kids suspended, talked to kid’s parents and the behavior persists. My voice should be back by now. Truthfully my voice was almost back then I had a particularly bad day with the kids. I’ve been hoarse for over two weeks.

As if the voice problems aren’t enough, I find myself getting depressed and stressed out because these kids are so unbelievably disrespectful. I feel like I’m being tortured. I get up early in the morning just so I can spend the day being treated like garbage, then rush home and work my regular job so I can have some real money coming in, then grade homework or tests, plan the lesson for the next day and go to bed with the horrible truth that I have to get up the next day and repeat it all over again.

My writing has been relegated to the back burner and I think that is contributing to my unhappiness. I’m one of those people who need to write. My sister laughed at me the other day when I told her I feel like I must have wronged someone and I’m being punished for it. I told her I wish I knew what I did because I would find that person and tell them how truly sorry I am and apologize until they forgave me and released me from this curse.

I could quit, and I think I will soon because I can’t deal with the way I’m being treated. Of course, I’ll give proper notice. Hopefully I keep my word this time. I said I was going to stop doing it when the original time we agreed to was up, but that date has come and gone and I’m still submitting myself to a constant barrage of mental and verbal abuse.

As for this blog and my writing, I’m going to try to find some time to get back to both because I think that will help relieve some of the stress I feel.

Status: Hoping I can get out of this mess.

I'm Hoarse

I am sick. My throat hurts and I feel horrible. My voice is gone and I wish it wasn’t. I hate the sound of my strained voice. I miss being able to speak and sound normal.

I handle being sick in two ways: I let the sickness run its course or I take medicine. When I let the sickness run its course, I focus on either drinking more liquids if I have the flu, or trying to keep food down if I think it’s a cold. When I take medicine, I do the wrong thing. I’m bad at taking medicine. I take too much. Not like a ridiculous amount more, but definitely more than is recommended or I take one medicine and then take another a short period later. Amazingly, I’ve been doing that since I was a teen and I have yet to drug myself. I joke about it sometimes. I’ll tell my sister, well if I can’t wake up in the morning tell the doctors that I took blah, blah and blah. I don’t mess with prescription pills. I’m only talking about over the counter medicines and herbs. I have been known to take three Echinacea at a time when I’m sick. I think the regular dosage is one.

As if that isn’t bad enough, I can’t swallow pills. It’s completely a mental thing. I always buy medicine that I can drink or suffer through chewing. For the record, medicine tastes nasty. Occasionally I have to open up capsules (like Echinacea) and take it that way or break liquid-gels in my mouth and swallow the liquid then throw out the outer part. Unfortunately, a lot of the newer pills are meant to be time released, and when I chew it like that, I’m getting the full dosage at one time.

Anyway, this is one of my weird habits that I have. Now that I’m writing it, I wonder why my parents never stopped me when I was younger. It’s definitely a bad habit. All my mother used to do was warn me against it but she never stopped it. I think she knew I wouldn’t overdo it, but how could she have been so certain? What if I messed up one time? Hmm, I never thought about it that way.

So I’m sick and yet I’m on the computer posting to my blog, why is that? The answer is simple: I got tired of laying on the sofa taking medicine and sipping drinks and napping and since my voice is gone, I can’t really communicate well verbally, so my options were limited. I’m tired of sitting at the computer though so I’m going to see what’s on television.

Status: Sick, but trying not to be miserable.

A Break From Being Organized

I feel much better today. I haven’t made a list all week. It’s weird that the one thing I was so proud of doing is the one thing that was driving me up a wall. I think lists are good in moderation, but I shouldn’t do them everyday. It felt nice to be organized but organization isn’t for everyone and I guess I have learned it isn’t for me, at least not in terms of schedules. It’s probably part of the reason why I have trouble adjusting to regular 9-5 jobs. I’ve had them, and liked some of them for the first week or so, but after a while, the routine wears me down and I start looking for reasons why I don’t like the job.

Status: Trying to make my life a little less organized.

Just Plain Crazy

I’m ready to begin a new chapter in my life. Unfortunately my readiness is not matched by recent events. It seems things that were once marching ahead at a frantic beat have slowed down to a dull pulse. If I don’t do something that is out of character soon, I’m going to explode. I need to do something that’s “not me” because I feel like not being me for a few hours. I’m thinking I should direct my excess energy in to writing and create another story. I don’t know. That seems too close to the rational thing to do. My life is becoming a bit too organized and too routine. Anyhow, I’m itching for change so to speak. I get this way every now and then. A little stir-crazy mixed with a lot of natural crazy can be a bad combination. I have to do something. Maybe I’ll go for a long walk tomorrow. That sounds good. I actually wish I could just sit in a room and spend the day relaxing and thinking.

Perhaps the out of control class was too much for me today. They certainly sent me home with a headache. Ironically enough, I asked the vice-principal to sit in on the class today because I thought that would help the students behave, yeah so apparently I thought wrong. I need to figure out a new plan of attack. I’m going to come up with something to get them to be better again. I know they can do it, because they suckered me in with their good behavior for the first week. I can bring something better out of them, even if it drives me even more insane in the process.

So here is yet another poem. This one is from one of my bad days:

What I’m Worth

I hear the people saying things,
The stigma has attached itself to me
Like an unwanted coat of arms
Here is what I am, what I’m thinking
Nothing good, nothing nice.
That’s what they’re saying.

I no longer have the right to speak for myself
When I speak, it’s for everyone
But I know everyone doesn’t agree
So I choose not to speak at all.
They mock my silence,
Trying to goad me in to responding.

I hear the voices saying things,
Thoughts hand delivered by a box
And words on a screen
I don’t own anything anymore
Not even my own space
The voices tell me this.

A wallflower has transformed in to a bump on a log
It seems backwards, like regression at its best
They watch and measure the change
Cautiously appraising the new value
The people are saying they’re done with me
An assessment has been made.


Status: Praying for change on a personal level.

Getting Organized

I’ve been grading tests this weekend. Some of the students didn’t even try. I can’t believe that they didn’t try. I was feeling down about it until I graded a few tests for students who did try. Those tests made me feel better, like maybe I wasn’t wasting my time. I’d like to add another reason to my long list of reasons why I can’t be a teacher: I get too emotionally involved. I take it personally when the students don’t do well. It makes me feel as if I must not have taught them well. I mean I know some of the students are at fault because they don’t pay attention but I can’t help it. I feel bad that the students performed so poorly. I can’t wait until I’m done teaching. It’s too much of a drag for me sometimes. I’m not cut out for it emotionally.

On a completely different note, I’m still on the schedule I set for myself to get Science of Us posted by the end of the month. Hopefully things stay on schedule.

I’m trying to be more organized. I’ve been making to-do lists everyday. I usually make to-do lists on rare occasions, but I’m finding the daily lists are useful. I made a to-do list every day last week and the week moved along well and I wasn’t upset with myself when I didn’t finish certain tasks. I just moved the task to the list for the next day. I’m not sure how long I can keep this up. I’m going to try to do it until I finish teaching. It’s the teaching that has really thrown a wrench in my regular schedule and pushed me to get more organized.

Status: Trying to put things in order.

Preparing for the Final Debate

I am watching the debate tonight. I guess that isn’t news. I’ve watched all of the debates. It’s amusing how many times both candidates repeat phrases they’ve said before. I don’t really want to hear excerpts from their stump speeches but it would appear that I have no choice. I wish they would use fresh material. I know most people view it as them highlighting their points, but I hear it as them repeating the same phrase. It gets tiresome.

Status: Wondering if tonight’s debate will get snippy.

Good Days Are Nice

I’m thinking about adding some of my poetry to my website because I’d like to start keeping track of some of the poems I’ve written.

Here’s another random poem:

For Daniel

Daniel is an isthmus, connecting that man and that woman
Those two individuals who love him but not each other
Sometimes he feels like an island.

Joan is a rebel, pulling away from the two corners
One stretches her to the right, the other to the left
She breaks free and runs up the middle.

Daniel anchors Joan, like a hundred pound weight
He grabs her leg and holds on
He’s the leash that reins her in.

Joan comforts Daniel, commiserating with him in quiet
She counters her condolences with distractions
She knows he internalizes the pain.

Daniel watches that man, drinking from the bottle
He hopes he doesn’t inherit the curse
Joan says it’s inevitable.

Michael is a conformist, adhering to the path they said he’d take
Toasting the past while Daniel looks on in silence
He’s always had the thirst.

Daniel fears Michael, mistaking their similarities for more
He wonders if that means he’ll be Michael some day
Everyone says they look alike.

Michael regrets Daniel, having him was selfish
Just one more person to lead astray
Another thing to do wrong.

Daniel connects them, Joan and Michael
Two individuals drowning on their own
Daniel keeps them afloat.

Status: Happy that I had a good day.

I'd Like Some Gas

The bad news is that the market is tanking, the good news is that you can fill up your tank for less. So it really is true that there’s always a silver lining. Your bank accounts may be in the red, your house may be in danger of foreclosure and your credit cards may be maxed out, but you can now pay less for gas. I’m not knocking it though because words can’t express the joy I felt when I saw a gas station that was selling gas for $3.09 a gallon. I almost slammed on my breaks and made a beeline for the station, but I didn’t need gas because I had just filled up the day before. That marked the first time, in a long time, where gas went down that far. Usually I fill up and then the next day gas has gone up ten or fifteen cents, or I wait to fill up and the next day gas has gone up twenty cents. It was the best feeling to know that I would be able to buy gas for a little cheaper.

The funny part is I usually don’t do a lot of driving. I’ve been doing a lot lately because I’m teaching that class, but that’s supposed to be temporary. Anyway, gas has continued to go down. I’ve seen it for $2.95 a gallon and I’ve heard of local places selling it for $2.70. I hope my area reaches $2.70. It’s strange that it seems like it was a long time ago when I saw prices in the 2 dollar range, but in reality it hasn’t been that long. When I got my driver’s permit when I was 15, the price of gas was barely over 2 dollars. All the way through high school and even the first couple of years after I returned from college, the price was in the 2 dollar range. The price slowly crept up, but it was a progression over years as opposed to what happened when gas hit $3.00 a gallon. I swear the gas price started increasing much faster once the $3.00 threshold was crossed. It went from $3.00 to $3.30 in about a month and then they just played around with the prices. It made it to $4.09 at one point, but being the car-loving Clevelander that I am, I still got in my car and drove places. Fortunately, it didn’t stay in the $4.00 range for too long. The people on television said it was because people were trying to drive less and carpooling more so the gas price went down. I didn’t care, I was just grateful for relief.

Oddly enough I feel the same way now. I really don’t care why the gas prices are down, I’m just grateful that they are. I would probably care a heck of a lot more if a lot of my money was wrapped up in Wall Street, which it may be in a few years, but right now it isn’t. I actually wish I had money so I could invest right now while so many things are cheap because I figure the market has to rebound eventually.

Status: Wondering when the oil speculators are going to decide to mess with my gas prices again.

You're Stupid! No You're Stupid! No, You're Both Stupid.

Alright, I’m fine again. After a warning from the assistant principal, my problem class has turned it around. They still talk during class, but they whisper, which is okay with me.

Other than teaching, there has been a lot of nothing going on in my life. I keep getting distracted by things that shouldn’t concern me and I’ve been wasting time like nobody’s business. I did manage to see this interesting documentary about the 2004 election titled, How Ohio Pulled It Off. The documentary was about accusations of election fraud in Ohio. I found it really interesting, not because I’m a conspiracy theorist, because I’m not, but because I’m from Ohio and I remember all the stories I heard from people about things that seemed a little shady.

People never fail to amuse me. Die hard Obama fans can’t understand how any sane person would vote for McCain and die hard McCain fans can’t understand how any sane person would vote for Obama. It would be hilarious if it wasn’t so serious. Both sides keep belittling the other like children. I have seen so many things that just make me shake my head. I can’t only blame the fans though because both campaigns are being downright nasty towards each other too. I’d like to thank both sides for reminding me why I hate most politics.

I swear I said I wasn’t going to comment on politics for a while, but I couldn’t stop myself after I read an article and then skimmed over the comments on it and saw what people were saying. Name calling doesn’t do anything but beget more name calling.

Society wonders how our children are so quick to name call, I say look at the parents. Even as adults, many of us, myself included most times, act like juveniles. Adults are supposed to have a larger vocabulary than children, so why do we often use the same insults and quick retorts as children? Are we that limited in our thinking? Can we not form an intelligent argument? Calling someone stupid because of their opinion is not going to make them suddenly see the light and adopt your beliefs. I will admit that I have thought someone was dumb because of their positions, but I have never said that to anyone, because I accept the possibility that I may be wrong and I respect other people’s rights to their opinions no matter how dumb they may seem to me. I’ll debate any issue with anyone at any time, but I won’t call them stupid when I can’t think of a valid counterpoint.

I’d also like to tell all the children to take notes from both campaigns. Stretching the truth is no longer lying; it’s simply manipulating the facts to suit your needs, and that is fine, so don’t let your parents tell you differently.

Status: Wishing I had the power to make tomorrow Election Day because this mess needs to end.

Why I Could Never Be A Teacher

I had a rough morning. Today, the students in my first class reminded me why I quit being a substitute teacher over a year ago. I’m too nice of a person to shout at the students or demean them but I understand why some teachers use those tactics. Sometimes that is all the students understand. I had to tell the class to be quiet several times and they were for a moment and then continued about their business. I have a feeling that had I shouted at them to shut up, they would have been quiet. I say that, because I’ve seen it in action. Students respond to anger much faster than they respond to kindness. This same class quickly shut their over active mouths when my assistant took a harsh tone with them and told them to quiet down or else. I could have threatened them, I thought about it, but I don’t want to be that kind of teacher, hence why I do not teach. Being a kind teacher doesn’t work in today’s public schools. The students associate authority with harsh tones, loud voices and threats. I’m a soft spoken person. I’m not going to strain my voice trying to out shout or over talk half a class of students. As a result of this, I ended up only actually teaching the left side of the room because they were the only students paying attention.

I left the classroom and I was pissed with myself and the students. I felt bad because I didn’t teach everybody but at the same time, I understood that I couldn’t force the other students to learn. The same students who were misbehaving were some of the main ones begging for someone to come in and teach them the material and now they have me and they don’t even care. I take the time to answer their questions and go over information, which are two things that their regular teacher did not do, yet I feel like I am being ignored more and more each day. The answer isn’t giving all the talkers detention or in school suspension because that solves nothing in this case. I’ve tried different teaching techniques to see if maybe one method works better with them but it’s hard to judge because most of the time I’ve lost their attention before they even sit down in their seats.

By contrast, the second class I teach is a pleasure. They have their moments where they talk too much but that’s to be expected in high school. They are a pleasure because the talking is not loud and it is not consistent. Their talking does not inhibit the learning experience of their classmates. The second class is a model for how I expect a class to work. I respect them and in return they respect me. I’m not naïve enough to believe that approach will work with most classes, but I was naïve enough to believe that it would work with two classes that were begging to be taught.

So I finished today and I had a long sigh of frustration. As their fill in teacher, I am supposed to manage the class which means keeping them in order, but to do that I have to sacrifice the teaching principles I believe in and become someone mean and I’m not sure if I can do that. I mean I am physically capable of doing it and a lot of the better, even nicer, teachers do that because they realize that the students don’t understand be quiet, but they hear shut up loud and clear.

Status: Conflicted about how to approach the next couple of weeks.

The Way Death Works

This weekend has been filled with activities. I had a funeral to attend yesterday and that took up a good chunk of the day. I know this isn’t the politically correct thing to say, but I always find myself sadder when a young person dies, whether I knew them well or not. When people are older, you expect death more. The funeral I went to was for a relative of mine that I didn’t really know. She was only 26 and that didn’t sit well with me because I’m 25. It was so sad to see her daughter there and know that her daughter would grow up without her mother. It was even worse to see her father and her grandmother there crying over her casket. You’re not supposed to bury the young. A parent should never have to bury their child, it’s just not the way things are supposed to work, but life doesn’t go according to the way people think it should. Everyone, even young people, can die at any moment and there is nothing they can do about it. I don’t mean that in the dismal, depressing ‘we’re all going to die’ way, I mean that in the ‘let’s face reality, all of our days are numbered and none of us know how long we have’ way. I think that makes me want to push harder and do something with my life. I don’t want to die without doing something. The whole world doesn’t need to know my name, but I do want to be able to feel like I made a difference in the world. Like maybe someone’s life was better because I lived.

Anyway, here’s another random poem. Oddly enough it was kind of inspired by one of my stories.

He Would Have Stayed

Unabashed by the admittance of fear in to an unbreakable circle
Jealousy was just a word until that person came along
The looks they exchanged belied their true feelings
Try as he might, reassurances fell on deaf ears
And doubt took residence on a warm shoulder

The love that glued them together began to weaken
As accusations flourished and were callously thrown
Falling to the ground like leaves bearing various shades of the truth
He was surprised by the sudden change in temperature
But determined to weather the storm
With a sweater and fond memories of the past
He hunkered down and waited for the clouds to part

While the dreary sky hung over them threatening to unleash the rain
He watched in disbelief as the ring fell from her finger
Suddenly the fit wasn’t right and she had lost interest in having it resized
She thought it was never meant for her,
She told him as much when she handed it to him

He belonged with someone else
And she was not going to stand in his way
She had seen how they were drawn to each other
Like moths unable to stay away from the light
He was too good of a man to leave on his own
So she set him free

He hurt for a while knowing that he would have stayed
And he could have loved her just like before
But then he found himself in the arms of the one she feared
There he discovered that she was right
Things fell in to place in a way they never had with her

Though he hated himself for being happy
He found himself grateful for her sacrifice
She freed him when he was content with confinement
And she received nothing in return
But an invitation to his new lease on life
With an r.s.v.p. date that marked a year after she said goodbye.


Status: Trying to think of a way to make a difference in the world.

Things to Give

My schedule is even worse than usual. At least I’m not supposed to be teaching for too long but it’s going to be long enough. I still have at least a month left. I’m not sure why I keep committing myself to do things. Today a student commended me for the second day in a row for being in the classroom before the class started. Silly me, I thought that was what teachers are supposed to do. Shouldn’t a teacher be there when class starts? It doesn’t make sense to me that some teachers come in late just because they can. I understand that there may me extenuating circumstances some days, but to be late on a daily basis is a problem. I think when a student is consistently late to class, that is disrespectful to the teacher and vice versa, when a teacher is consistently late to class, that is disrespectful to the class. The learning process is a mutual experience and both the teacher and the class need to contribute.

Anyway, it got me to thinking because the student was so appreciative of something that was so small to me.


What Can You Give?

Somebody needs money
Somebody always needs money
Hands stand still in the air
Waiting to be weighed down

Don’t give, do give, maybe tomorrow give
There’s guilt from not giving
And loss from giving what you can’t afford to lose
To give or not to give is the question

Somebody needs a helping hand
A push up the mountain just to have a glimpse of the view
With no utterance or requests to be placed in front
Just a plea to be closer behind

Will give, won’t give, can’t give, would give
Your heart wants to give
It’s more compassionate than funds allow you to be
Your answer is not to give

Somebody needs your time
Not what’s in your pockets but what’s in your smile,
A thought or expression of respect and acknowledgment
A silent admission that you see them

Can give, want to give, might give, just give
What you lack in money you donate in kindness
It doesn’t hurt you to make eye contact
And give a little bit of yourself

To give or not to give is the question
The answer is simple:
There’s always something you can give.


Status: Realizing that even the smallest acts can be gifts.

Greatness?

So, today I learned that I am great at yet another thing. I was teaching a class today and there was an adult sitting in on my class. After the class they told me I should go in to teaching because I have a gift. I don’t think I’m that good. I think I just know how I would want to learn things. Anyway, I bring this up because I’ve heard comments like that before. I took care of my mother after she had her lump removed when she had cancer. Not to gross anyone out, but the doctors left a hole in her breast and it had to be cleaned and drained three times a day and bandaged. I did it and her doctor commended me and told me I should be a doctor because I did an excellent job. All I did was follow the instructions. I’m good at following instructions, especially when it’s important. I don’t really think there is anything particularly great about what I did in either case. Apparently I’m also great in math so I should go teach math. I’m great at persuading people so I should keep my original word and be a lawyer. I’m great at listening and giving advice, so I should further my psychology degree and be a psychologist. I’m great at cooking so I should sell a recipe book or sell my food. I’m great at research so I should further my sociology degree and get a grant to do a sociological study. I could go on, but I’m tired of listing things. The point is that people always tell me I’m great at things that I don’t really care to be great in. I want to be a great writer. That is my goal in life. That is the one thing I wish people would tell me I’m great at, but I only hear that from my fans, and no offense to the fans, but I think they may be a little biased.

It always makes me smile when people tell me I’m great at something, not because I agree with them, but because I’m amused by it. I mean I’m great in comparison to what? To the average person? Okay. I guess that makes me above average. When people tell me I’m great at something, it reminds me of when I was younger and I placed third in two golf tournaments and my mother thought I was the next great golfer. I had to tell her that placing third out of seven or ten people is not that impressive. I gave up golf and she was upset for a while, but she got over it.

People have varying definitions of what great is and I’m not saying I don’t appreciate the compliments because I do, it’s just that I hear it about so many different things and I wonder how much is an exaggeration. I think I’m good at a lot of things, but not great. Then again, maybe my personal definition of “great” goes beyond what other people think of as great.

Status: Pondering the meaning of the word great.

Rambling

So I’m doing well. I spent yesterday putting a ceiling in and I spent today performing assessments for people. Yes, fun times all around! If only. I’m just happy I get to kick back and relax this evening and watch the presidential debate. I know I’ve watched presidential debates before but I don’t remember any of them. I’m excited but I have a feeling that I probably won’t enjoy the debate, but I’ll soldier on and watch it all just because I started watching it in the first place.

On an actual happy note, I’m supposed to be catching up with some old friends this weekend. I hope it happens. I haven’t seen some of them since January. I actually didn’t realize it had been that long until right now. Wow! That’s most of the year.

The paper I wrote the article for is trying to screw me. They don’t want to pay me. Can you believe it? They ran my article and the photographs I took and they don’t want to pay me anything. I swear these things only happen to me. I have that “I’m a genuinely nice person who will just cut my losses when you screw me” look. Last time I checked freelance reporters get paid unless it is otherwise agreed. I’ve written things before and been paid. This is the first time someone has pulled this type of stunt. That’s why you should always get things in writing. I had a feeling the situation would turn out this way, but I’m not even upset about it. The guy wants me to write some more articles for him. I told him we’d have to play by my rules for any additional articles. The only thing I like doing for free is my creative writing and that’s just because it makes me feel good to know that people are reading it, even if some people do hate it. What's the point in writing all the things I write if no one ever reads them but me?

Well that’s almost all that’s happening with me. I’m going to start a new tutoring/teaching thing on Monday. Hopefully it goes well. It’s going to mess up my entire writing schedule though because I do a lot of writing at night and now I won’t be able to do that until the weekends. I have to make actual lesson plans for the students and everything. Sometimes being an adult with responsibilities and goals in life sucks and not in the good way.

Status: Finalizing the date when The Science of Us will be available in book form and hoping people don't hate the changes I've made to the story.

Can You Feel That?

Today was one of those not so good days. I spent most of the day feeling fairly numb. Things that usually would have irritated the hell out of me didn’t bother me so much. My time was wasted and I didn’t care. People made some snotty comments to me and I brushed them off. Other people tried planning my future for me and I just ignored them.

I don’t know what was wrong with me today. I wasn’t sad. I guess I was just apathetic. I didn’t care either way. Maybe I didn’t get enough sleep last night or maybe I was so frustrated this morning that I choose to just shutdown for the day instead of expressing my anger at the situation. Whatever the case, I felt like a drone.

I thought the entire day was going to be filled with numbness then I received a phone call letting me know that my article had been published. That changed everything for a few minutes. I was excited as I sped to the local store to buy the paper, only to find that the new copy hadn’t arrived yet. I know the paper only comes out once a week, but still, you would think it would be distributed to all locations by 4 pm. I guess I’ve been spoiled by papers that are actually delivered first thing in the morning.

A relative got one of the papers and gave it to me when they found out I didn’t have one. It was a kind gesture and I really appreciated it, but I wasn’t overly happy about it anymore. It was nice to see my name in print (where it belongs). That finally brought me out of my weird state of mind. I feel good right now. I’m hoping it lasts through the night.

Status: Thrilled that the numbness has passed.

Lost Families

I watched this show on television called The Locator. I knew I didn’t want to watch it. I knew it would be too sad for me, but I watched it anyway and then I ended up watching episodes of it for two hours. Some people have such sad stories when it comes to their families. The show made me grateful for my own dysfunctional family because at least I know where they are.

This poem was inspired by the show:


Birthright

Desolate places hide within my heart
Barren except for the memory of being pulled apart
The tragedy was not that we were separated
The tragedy is that I remember.

There are people out there somewhere who have pieces of me
Genes that link us forever but could not keep us together
Because biology was negated by law
And an organization meant to look after our well being
Decided we were better off without each other
Your family only wanted you
I, your family by birth, was denied my birthright to be your sibling

You had to lose me in order to be with them
They were the ones who shaped your future and molded your dreams
And I, I was the one thing you always knew was missing
And you were my reminder that life wasn’t fair

We’ll be strangers when we see each other next
But I will love you even then
Because there is nothing strong enough to break our bond
You are my sisters and I,
I am the brother who has spent his entire life waiting for you.


Status: Thinking I shouldn't watch the Locator again.

My Eyes Are Closing As I Type This

I’m tired again. I think I had too much on my to-do list the last two days. I completed all of my tasks, but now I’m paying the price. My body feels like it wants to give out on me, so I guess I’ll spend tonight resting and trying to give my mind a break.

I went on an interview today for a freelance reporter job for an actual newspaper. It went better than I expected. I have my first assignment, but I need to discuss payment options before I know how well this is going to work. It’s weird, good things in terms of employment keep happening to me this half of the year. It’s exciting! I’ve never had a problem finding jobs, but now I’m actually finding jobs I want as opposed to just having a job.

Status: Two yawns away from passing out.

I Have Lights Again!!!

My lights were off for most of yesterday. I missed my television shows, but I also missed campaign ads, so I guess there were pros and cons to no tv. I wish I had a DVR. I don’t know why I didn’t get it; although, I’m the type of person to actually watch the commercials when I could fast forward through them. I like commercials for the most part. I just don’t like campaign ads, from either side.

I think I've been posting way too many poems, but here is another one:

This poem is in honor of Maury Povich’s favorite type of television show.

A Maury Moment

He prefers the dark
Then he can sit in a room alone with himself
Without fear of catching sight of his reflection
Because facing the mirror is almost as hard as facing them.
Everyone knows he’s guilty.

It was never his intention to hurt so many people
He loved them all
But his nature was to float through life
Wandering from place to place.
That’s why he did it.

He lasted years longer than anyone expected
Because he had discovered some where worth staying
He was happy there
He just wasn’t cut out to remain forever.
That’s why he did it.

It started out with long stares at greener grass
Then turned in to occasional visits
And finally became a situation he didn’t want to handle
The baby is his
Everyone knows he cheated.

Status: Happy for a day with lights. I missed them.

My Cousin

I get inspired by random things. I was thinking about my cousin today (September 11 for me because I haven't gone to bed yet). He’s in the army and currently in Iraq for his third or fourth time. Although I guess I should put up a disclaimer and say that he’s not like the person in the poem. Anyway, here’s the poem:

It’s About You

She knows you never came back
You’re lost in a foreign place
Maybe that’s why you look forward to returning there,
Maybe you realize you left something behind.

She can tell you exactly what you left
It’s the part of you that could look at her and move her heart,
The part that knew how to enjoy life,
The part that wasn’t so cynical.

She spends hours listening to you tell stories
But you never mention the images you can’t forget,
The ones that visit your dreams at night,
The ones that won’t let you be at peace.

She hears the changes in your voice
Subtle shifts in tone that make you seem afflicted,
Tortured by what you’ve seen,
Tortured by what you’ve done.

She wants to help you but she doesn’t know how
Your wounds need treatment she can’t provide
Though she would if she was able,
Though she would if you let her.


Status: Realizing I didn’t say anything about 9/11. Maybe I should write a new poem about it for tomorrow or something.

I Got The Message and I Concur

So I woke up this morning to find an email from an online acquaintance telling me that my last post sounded like that of a bitter American. I wondered why they didn't just leave a comment then I was excited that I now know of three people who read my blog. I don't mind criticism even public criticism. I don't like it when people are nasty with their criticisms, but I rather enjoy hearing counter arguments that can open my eyes to a different perspective. Comments and critiques both make me smile, although I will confess that comments make my smile a little wider.

So speaking of the post, I reread it this morning. It is a bit angrier than I realized and I concede it does have a bitter ring to it. Maybe I am bitter. It's hard to explain to people from other countries why America does the things it does. And it sucks when you vote for the losing team because obviously you thought your team was the best.

Anyway, I'll do a regular post later.

Status: Admitting someone else has a valid point.

Am I Just Completely Wrong?

Americans vote for dumb reasons. I know it’s politically incorrect to say it, but it’s true. I wasn’t old enough to vote in the 2000 election, so I wasn’t part of that whole fiasco. I do remember that Gore won the popular vote but lost the election. Funny how a country supposedly run by the people didn’t listen to the people. It was in 2000 that I learned that every vote counts, but not really. Some people live in states that don’t matter. I am fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to live in a state that matters. I bring up the 2000 election because I met a guy who said that Clinton was a great president and he loved the Clinton years, so I made a comment about him voting for Gore. He quickly told me that he voted for Bush. I asked him why and his reason was that he had no doubt Gore would have been a great president, but he’d seen what the Clinton administration could do and he wanted to see what a different administration could do. I found that interesting. This guy was telling me that he traded an administration he was completely satisfied with for one he knew nothing about. Talk about rolling the dice. I wonder what that guy is saying now. I’m not voting for McCain (unless he becomes a different person), but I will say this, if you love the Bush administration and you think they’ve done a kick ass job (I mean that both literally and figuratively), how can you vote for Obama? I guess I just don’t understand being a risk taker when it comes to my country.

In 2004, people were mobilizing and I, along with half the world, thought that Bush was going to lose the election. How could he win after the things he had done? The country was immersed in an unpopular war and it just seemed like there was no way he would win re-election. The Bush administration lost my vote when they disrespected the UN. How can we expect other countries to abide by the rulings of the UN if we don’t? I remember the United States petitioning the UN to go to war with Iraq and when it became clear that the UN was going to say no, we rescinded our petition and went to war. Nobody talks about that anymore, but to me, that was like a big F U to the UN. So the dumb reason I heard from one person for re-electing Bush, was “He got us in to this mess (Iraq). He should get us out of it.” Talk about not making sense. Bush was not some child who needed to be taught a lesson. I’ll put it this way, if a plastic surgeon botches your surgery, and you go back to them to fix it, I have less sympathy for you when you die on the operating table.

I realize we were fighting two wars in 2004, Iraq and Afghanistan, but only one bothered me. Don’t get me wrong, I am a peace loving citizen but I understand the war in Afghanistan and I’m mostly for it, but I never fully understood the war in Iraq. Perhaps there are secret files that are too confidential for my eyes to see and that’s why I’m ignorant about the issue. All I can go on is the information that is released and in that information, one war makes sense while the other does not.

Now what sent me on this horrible tirade about Americans voting for dumb reasons? I was reading an article today in which a former Hillary supporter said she was voting for McCain because Palin was on the ticket. Are you kidding me? Politically speaking, the policies of Hillary and Palin are diametrical opposites, which tells me that the woman was just voting for Hillary because Hillary was a woman and thus will vote for Palin because Palin is a woman. That’s as bad as a black person voting for Obama because he’s black. Being president involves a lot more than gender or race and if that’s all it takes to win your vote then I’m not sure if you should be allowed to vote. Heck, I’ll take the people voting for change over people voting on something like race or gender any day. At least the people voting for change are voicing their disagreement with the Bush administration. Voting for Palin because Hillary isn’t on the ballot is like voting for Ann Coulter because Nancy Pelosi didn’t make the ticket. Hey they’re both women, right? All women are not the same.

I don't know, maybe I'm wrong on every level. It's been known to happen before.

Okay, enough of that mess. I wanted to also write about this other article I saw today, but I guess I’ll write about it tomorrow because I wrote much more than I intended to write on this topic. I guess it upset me more than I realized.

Status: Upset that some people don’t take the election process seriously enough.

Making Moves Again

I’m finally working on my website again. I had stopped for a long time and my blogs were the only things that changed but I’m back and I feel like doing something to it. I’ve been playing with a few different things tonight. I made a couple of small changes that I actually saved and published, but I don’t know how I feel about them yet. I’ll have to look at the site tomorrow after I’ve been away from it for a while.

I’m going to make an announcement to my Yahoo group either today or tomorrow that I am putting myself on my own version of story punishment. The Science of Us will end soon. I’m not posting anything else until I’ve posted the last few chapters because if I wait this will turn in to a repeat of last year and I don’t want that. There is no reason for me to hold on to these chapters.

Status: Trying to keep my word.

I'm Okay Today

I got a lot of work accomplished today and I found this poem I wrote:

Between Us

Friendship stands between us
As you wrap your arms around me
Pressing our bodies together.
I contemplate pushing friendship aside
But I step back instead.

Six years ago we met for the first time
As you were moving in the room next to mine
Trying to be closer to your girlfriend.
She lasted five more months
While we have lasted ever since.

In my head it’s so easy to tell you how I feel
I can express myself a hundred different ways
And I can imagine you confessing to feeling the same
But I lack the courage to pursue my fantasies
Because I’d rather watch you be happy with someone else
Than risk you not speaking to me.

Friendship stands between us
Like an unobtrusive brick wall
Sometimes I climb and stand on top
But I never come down on your side
For fear of crashing to the ground.

There are times when I believe I can do it
Times when I convince myself I need to know
Then I look in your eyes
And suddenly I’m afraid of losing you
Because friendship stands between us.


Status: Relaxing.

All Good Things Must Begin To Come To An End. Goodbye Kieron! John Paul and Craig Will Soon Be Gone Too...

I’m feeling tired for some reason. I think watching Niall poison Kieron and then seeing John Paul find the body was too depressing for me. I can’t imagine how John Paul must feel. Why did Niall and his super evil self have to make it look like a suicide? Myra should know better though, because Kieron called her. Why would he kill himself before he told her what he found out or without leaving a note?

I’d just like to put a warning for everyone out there: If you find out someone’s big secret, I don’t recommend letting them fix you a meal or open your drink for you because some people are willing to kill for their secrets. After discovering Niall’s secret, it should have been clear to Kieron that he didn’t know Niall at all, and therefore he couldn’t trust him, but that may just be my twisted, “I’ve seen that movie too many times” mentality. I just think they could have done better with that part. I understand what they were trying to show, Kieron considered Niall to be a friend and on top of that, Kieron was a trusting person, but I wish he could have gone another way.

As for John Paul, I can’t wait until next week to see how he deals with what he thinks happened and reconciles that with what he was coming to tell Kieron.

Status: Dealing with the closure of a storyline I enjoyed and the realization that all of my Hollyoaks' boys are leaving me.

Breaking News: There Are Comments On Posts!

Someone has commented on some of my posts! I’m sure I am way too excited about that, but I can’t help it. It made my night! Pathetic, I know, but true. I was going to respond to one of the comments, but then I changed my mind and decided to respond in a more public way. Thank you, bow (bow is the name of the person who posted comments, not a reference to me taking a bow), for your comments! I always just assume nobody is reading (because my friends don’t even read my blog), which is why it has taken me this long to look down at my old posts and notice there were comments. I guess I should probably check the box to be emailed when someone comments. Maybe it will happen again.

My first thought when I saw a comment was, "Perhaps I should start censoring myself," but then I remembered the beauty of blogging is that it is not supposed to be censored. That said, I apologize in advance for my less than normal ways and for some of the not so good poems I will shamelessly inflict on you.

Status: Feeling better after an impromptu pick-me-up.

No Longer in Love

Have you ever been so in love with someone and then they do one thing and they are completely ruined in your eyes? That’s what happened last night. I was in New York City during 9/11 and that’s when I fell in political love with Giuliani. I watched him in action and was amazed that Giuliani, as the mayor of New York City, showed more leadership skills in a time of crisis than Bush and his entire administration. I loved Giuliani and no one could persuade me otherwise. The more I learned about his policies and political positions, the more I loved him. He wasn’t ultra-conservative but he wasn’t ridiculously liberal either. I’m an independent and most of my family and friends are either democrats or lean heavily towards the Democratic Party. Many of them were outraged when I made it known that if Giuliani was the Republican nominee he would have my vote. They bombarded me with questions such as, “After eight years of Bush, how can you even consider voting for a Republican?” My answer was simple, “I’m not voting for a party, I’m voting for him because I believe he is the best candidate. I agree with many of his policies and above all else, I trust his ability to lead the country during a time of crisis.” Until last night, I adored this man. Now I see that he is no better than any of the Democrats or Republicans and that hurts. His speech left me both shocked and appalled. Now I have to say that I no longer adore him. In fact, I am very disappointed in him.

Status: Seeing living proof that people can watch the exact same event and come up with a million different interpretations.

I'm Going to Do It

So I was sitting around today listening to more crap about Palin’s daughter when I started thinking about the Science of Us, in which there is a teen pregnancy sub plot, that involves marriage, and the stars of the story are two (gay) hockey players. I promised it would not make it to its third anniversary. I said I would have the last chapters posted this summer and the book version available, but I haven’t. Thanks to the vice presidential drama, I have been inspired again to part ways with the story that started the group. I’m going to try to post the next chapter in the coming week and the next one shortly after that. I’ve been holding on to this story for far too long. I know I say that every time I get the courage to just end it, but I mean it this time. The Science of Us has to be all online this year. No excuses.

Status: Surprisingly still obsessed with Hollyoaks. I can’t wait to see how this whole John Paul, Craig thing plays out, especially since I know Kieron is about to meet an untimely end at the hands of my handsome but devilish Niall. (Darn you Niall, you handsome psycho you!) All of my favorite characters are about to leave Hollyoaks so I guess my love affair with the show will be nothing more than a summer fling.

Slow and Steady

Today was a slow day. I’m sharing another random poem I wrote.

Changed

Your fingertips speak eloquently to my arm
Tracing words into my flesh
And leaving the reminder of direct contact;
I wonder if you understand what’s changed.

Your eyes hold an in-depth conversation with mine
Calling for the reunification of two continents
And promising a bridge that will never break;
I wonder if you understand what’s changed.

Your smile dares to give subtext to your statements
Twisting your original words in to food for thought
And leaving the reminder of a requested resolution;
I wonder if you understand what’s changed.

Your embrace sings a soothing song to my soul
Countering yesterday with fantasies of tomorrow
And promising a bridge for the past to travel under;
I wonder if you understand what’s changed.

Your power over me has faded away
Leaving the reminder of an old flame
And promising a bridge that leads to something new;
I wonder if you understand that I have gotten over you.


Status: Wondering if slow and steady really wins the race.

Food!

I barbecued today and successfully killed five bees and one fly who were attempting to get near my food. It’s weird because I felt bad killing them. I tried to shoo them away but they kept coming back, which meant they had to die. Whoever says the honeybee population is dying out, obviously hasn’t been to my area. I’ve seen more honeybees recently than I have in a long time.

Status: Thinking about a career as a professional bug swatter.

Not A People Person

Today was not a good day. I had to socialize with people I had no interest in socializing with and that put me in a bad mood. Sometimes I wish I was more of a people person.

After Summer

Not worth living
That’s how it feels,
Like if it doesn’t bleed, it can’t be real.

Sentenced to blow away in the wind
While future replacements lie in wait.
How come old leaves have to go away
Just so new ones can take their place?

I used to think I could stay in this spot forever
But I’m being pushed towards the door
And pulled outside by a dream of something more.

Like the leaves, I can no longer remain stationary,
It’s time to glide through the air and try to fly.
A new journey ushered in by the return of fall,
The transition to winter has begun.

Status: Trying to be less miserable.

Short Poem

Withered

I’m sending you a rose in the mail
Tenderly tucked between the pages of a long letter
It will die before it reaches you
But I thought you would appreciate the sentiment.

Your rose will go a minimum of three days with no water and no air
Deprived of the very elements it needs to live
I hope it finds you just where you should be
And maybe it will remind you of how you left me.

Status: Finding some routine.

It's Been 26 Days Since My Last Post

It has been a long time since my last post and I apologize for that to the two of you who read this.

I was slacking before my friend came to visit and I think my friend’s visit tuckered me out more than I realized because getting back to work depressed me, but I did it and worked through it. I’m getting myself adjusted to a new routine, which is difficult for me. I’ve neglected my blog and updates to the group along with making changes to the website, but I am starting to feel refreshed and I finished a novel which makes me smile even though I don’t know what I’m going to do with it.

Status: Happy to finally have made another post.

Busy Bee

I wish I could add more hours to the day. Not permanently, but just for a few days so I can catch up on all the things I need to do. I am feeling overwhelmed by life at the moment. It seems my to do list is longer than it has ever been before and I’m feeling frazzled. I’m trying to pace myself and handle everything one thing at a time, but my pace is kicking me in the rear. I don’t want to speed up and do things incorrectly, but at the same time, I won’t be making many improvements on my list if I continue at my current pace. I need to speed up. I can’t wait until after Tuesday. After Tuesday, my schedule should clear up dramatically until the next Wednesday, so I’ll have a week to bask in the feeling of normalcy that has removed itself from my grasp during the past few days.

Status: Thinking I feel like a chicken with its head cut off, but wondering how anyone really knows how that feels.

I Said Please

I am getting tired of helping other people. Does that make me a bad person? If I don’t even want to do my own work, what makes you think I want to help you do yours? I feel bad when I have thoughts like that, like I’m guilty of some offense that makes me less of a friend. I know it should be okay for me to say no from time to time, but I don’t really like the sound of no. I’m not saying I can’t say no, but rather the only people I enjoy saying no to are salesmen and children; salesmen because they’re annoying and children because they need to learn that they won’t hear yes every time they ask for something. I remember telling my niece no once and she responded by saying, “I said please” as if by her adding please to her original question, my response should have been an automatic yes. I found it amusing, but I didn’t laugh at her, instead, I explained to her that saying please does not mean the answer will be yes.

I need to make myself less helpful and less available. It’s a shame I know I won’t.

Status: Wishing I was less of a pleaser.

Just a Thought

Okay, here’s a random poem I wrote:

A Word You Shouldn’t Say

There’s a word you shouldn’t say,
Attached to images and ancestors and things that shouldn’t be forgotten
One word with the slickness of a sucker punch and the aim of a marksman
Fine tuned by time to not only slice and cut but to spread as well
Memories of the past woven intricately around two syllables
Like a multi-colored quilt of the old and the new
Built with layers of items no longer wanted
And constantly adding new pieces
There’s a word that has transcended the boundaries of language
A word that has dared to attempt to define itself.

There’s a word you shouldn’t say,
Attached to different meanings made famous and infamous by opposite colors
One word with a definition that changes and adapts to the situation
Fine tuned from person to person, group to group and time to time
Memories of its use are shared and individualized
Like a vase carefully molded by other people’s hands
Built with the same material but baring a shape all its own
And constantly carrying the burden of its birth
There’s a word that has evolved in to something bigger than its size
A word that has dared to bring itself to life.


Status: Thinking about the news.

Lustyville Has Gone to Hollyoaks

Hello, my name is Lustyville and I am addicted to Hollyoaks. Darn you John Paul and Kieron and even you Craig, because I hear you’re returning! My addiction began like any other addiction. I saw a few clips of the show on YouTube and it looked interesting. I started looking for more clips. Soon I was staying up half the night watching the love story of John Paul and Craig, John Paul and Spike, and of course the most recent one, John Paul and Kieron (formerly known as Father Kieron). I had to get up to date. It wasn’t optional, it was a necessity. I was constantly thinking about the show and wondering what happened in the episodes I hadn’t seen yet, so much so that I neglected blogging and updating my group and a few other tasks that I probably should have done. Fortunately, kind YouTube users edited the show so that I could focus my attention on the couple who I cared about the most which was always John Paul and some boy/man.

I thought John Paul really outdid himself with getting Craig to pick him over Sarah, but then Father Kieron came along. I want to know what the hell does John Paul have for a priest to abandon his vow of celibacy and ultimately give up the cloth entirely just so he can be with John Paul? I mean damn, can I have a little of that? I promise to only use my powers for good.

So now I’m up to date with the story and I can relax a little. John Paul and Kieron are together, but the rumor mill is saying that Craig is coming back to town. Ahh! It’s too much! The guy who plays John Paul is supposed to be leaving the show and the guy who plays Craig is only going to be back for a short time, so everyone is saying that John Paul will leave Kieron for Craig and John Paul and Craig will have a sunset ending. Is it true? Will they? Won’t they? I can’t wait until I see how everything plays out.

I’m sure I’ll have another addiction next week, but Hollyoaks was definitely the flavor of this week. Why can’t Noah and Luke be like John Paul and his men?

(On a side note, Niall is so unbelievably devious and psychotic, but my goodness he’s a cutie pie. There I said it.)

Status: Wishing the John Paul storyline could be updated everyday :-(.

But You've Returned

I had a boring day. I managed to post another update today so I’m proud of myself because I did it early but that’s about it. I decided to share another poem:


But You’ve Returned

Prospects of continuations of memories once cherished
Form in my mind and captivate my imagination
You’ve returned to me.

A stark contrast from the sudden departure that marked your exit
There wasn’t sadness or grieving, only a lack of closure
But you’ve returned.

Confusion controls the situation and manipulates my motivations,
Scoffing at the chance to mold a conclusion to what was once open-ended
Your return was unexpected.

Decisions are needed in order to finalize the connection
Either strings will be cut or strings will be tied
But what if your return is a lie?

No promises made regarding future departures,
Just a request to let the present stand on its own
You’ve returned with conditions.

The past remains unchanged by new beginnings
And my heart remains attached to you, yet devoted to someone else
But you’ve returned.

My requests for commitments are one sided
There is no precedence for you to establish roots
Your return is clearly temporary.

Clarity is given by your failure to acknowledge tomorrow
And imaginary scissors release the attachments
But you proclaim your much awaited return.

The end seems slight given the years devoted to possibilities
No fireworks or tears or sleepless nights
You’ve returned without wanting to stay.

Never giving up was a mistake made of complete free will
While letting go was dictated by necessity
But you’ve returned, only to leave again.


Status: Stable.

Waves of Obsessions

I have a slightly obsessive personality and I know I do, the only good thing is that I also have a short attention span that prevents me from getting too obsessed. I move from obsession to obsession with ease. One day I only want oatmeal for breakfast then the next week I may want eggs or cereal or something. I may be obsessed with a story and check for updates a few times a day and then I may go a week or more without checking once. My obsessions, like my moods, come in waves.

Status: Trying to work through my latest obsession.

Losing Your Temper is Dangerous for Your Health and Your Phone

I was recruited to do manual labor again today. That’s the pitfall of having a flexible schedule and making it known that I do most of my real work in the evening and at night. I think I should start working during the day. I was going to try that today. I had a whole schedule made out and, just like I predicted, someone else made plans for my time. Maybe I jinxed myself by saying it would happen.

My father needed two people to help, so my sister was recruited as well, because she’s a substitute teacher so she has the summer off, and because we’re both free labor and capable of doing simple tasks.

Let me paint the scene:

Three adults, squished in a small green truck with the windows rolled down because the truck doesn’t have air conditioning (I don’t know how my father does it. I’ve been spoiled with air conditioning so I never look forward to going for a ride in his truck in the summer). Picture me in the middle, without a headrest and with my body angled because my father has a stick shift. We pull up to our destination and everyone in the truck knows that I have to make a phone call before I get out, so my father gets out and starts gathering his things. Now picture me making that important phone call to my real estate agent. I’m in the middle of leaving a message telling her what I need from her, when my sister starts screaming and pushing against me. I keep relaying the message, but I turn to see what’s going on with my sister. There are two bees circling around the side mirror. Once I’m done leaving my message, I tell my sister, “Let up the window.” You would think that would be obvious since we’re getting out anyway so it’s not like we’re going to roast or anything.

We wait in the truck for my father to talk to the people. The people aren’t home so my father decides we’ll come back another day and he’ll take a few measurements before we leave. I have three bottles of water in my lap and my phone because the agent might call me back at any second. My father needs help with the measurements so he asks my sister to help him. She puts her notebook and a book she’s reading in my lap and she gets out. She swings the truck door wide open and then walks away, telling me to close it. I yell at her, “Why didn’t you close the door? You know my hands are full!”

I put her books next to me, throw the waters on the dashboard and hop over to close the door only to have my phone go flying off my lap and on to the ground. I jump out the car to grab my phone and when I get the phone, I see that the back cover has come off. My father tells me he’ll get it, so I move to sit, only to hit the back of my head on the truck as I’m sitting down. My father passes me the back cover and I put it on and my phone is fine. I start laughing to myself. What happened wasn’t really funny, but it was to me. It was one of those ‘it figures’ moments. I was so upset with her that I wasn’t thinking straight, so it figured that something bad would happen to me. I was just happy that it wasn’t anything too bad. Karma people, karma.

Status: Reclaiming my positive energy.

Another Deadline Met

I had another laid back kind of day. I was proud of myself because I got my next update posted to the group by my deadline. I always feel good when I make the deadlines. Now I have to check over the next Starving for Love update. I was thinking about releasing it earlier than usual, but I haven’t decided.

I think my three week vacation did wonders for my writing. I missed it so much that I’ve spent a great deal of my free time since my return, writing new stories and continuing old ones. It’s almost like it was when I first started my group. The only difference is that I don’t have as much free time.

I’m debating on sitting down and making a schedule for next week, but I know it will be a waste of time. It’s hard enough for me to stick to my schedule when it’s just me, but its summer, so there are more people than usual with their hands out for my time.

Status: Excited about my progress.

No Spam Please

This morning I checked my email, only to find that more spam had been posted to my group. I immediately went to action to try to remedy the situation because I don’t want my group to be associated with spam and I don’t want people who come to read and discuss stories to have to sift through spam.

Surprisingly, I didn’t let the spam mess up my day. I had a decent day and I’ve decided that it is past time for me to get back to my website. I may add another short story to it or something like that, but I need to do something to it because I haven’t done anything in a long time

Status: Ready to make moves.

Uninvited

I realized today that the reason why I’m not a big fan of unannounced visitors is because I prefer to mentally prepare myself for visitors and when someone drops by unannounced, I don’t have time to prepare. I had a relative drop by today and they were the second unannounced visitor I’ve had in the past three days. I understand that my family and I were gone for a long time and people want to see us, but is it too much to ask that people call first? Calling does everyone involved a favor. Calling allows me to get ready to socialize with company and calling assures the company that they are not wasting their gas or their time and energy stopping by to see me. What if I wasn’t here? I’m not saying people should call hours in advance or anything like that. I’m saying, if you’re around the corner, or down the street and you’re thinking about stopping by, just call and say something like, “I was headed your way and I just wanted to make sure you were home.” I promise I’ll respond kindly and I’m not going to tell you I’m running late or on my way out, unless that’s the truth. I don’t mind as little as a two minute warning. I just want a warning.

Status: Thinking I need to find a way to be happy people care.

You Fix It This Time!

I spent most of my day doing manual labor again. I helped my father fix a sink at one property and then I helped him fix a light fixture at a different property. My father has a hard time being the bad guy, and by that I mean, he has a hard time confronting tenants about things they’ve done wrong. He usually blames my mother, and says this like, “My wife won’t like that” or “My wife told me to ask about” or “My wife said no.” It’s always been amusing to me because he uses those excuses so naturally. They’re a part of his repertoire now. The bad part is that my mother is usually not around to say anything, so the tenants always view my mother as the bad guy and my father as the good guy who’s on their side.

I bring this up because of what happened today. My father went to pay the water bills for our house and his properties. One of the water bills was extremely high and the lady at the office told my father either he has a bad leak at that property or there are a lot of people living there. My father took me along and low and behold, the hot water in one of the sinks won’t turn off. I was with my father the last time when he fixed some water issues at that house and he told them if they ever had a leak, or anything like that to call him, and not to just let the water run. When I saw there was a problem with the water, I was pissed off, but my father seemed unfazed. Then the woman has the nerve to tell us it’s been like that for a while. What the hell?

So, when we were fixing the sink, we found out that the tenant had another problem that she had called a plumber about because she said if she was responsible for the damage then she wanted to pay to have it fixed. It didn't involve water running so I was fine with her having someone else do it, however, my father volunteered to fix the problem for her. I’m standing next to him ready to pop him upside his head (figuratively, because I would never actually lay a hand on my father). We had to run an errand to go pick up something for the sink, so I talked to him about the situation while we were gone. I told him, “Dad, you should let her get the plumber. She’s going to pay the plumber to fix it, but she’s not going to pay you.” (This is the same lady I talked about before, who has completely ruined a newly renovated home in less than a year. And I don’t even want to think about how much it’s going to cost to fix the house once we get her out.) My father said, “Yeah, that’s true.” Then I put the icing on the cake and reminded him, “She didn’t tell you about the problem. If you hadn’t stopped by today, she wouldn’t have told you at all because she knows that you just fixed it a couple of months ago and that one of her kids messed it up. She said she wants to take responsibility if it’s her fault, so let her take responsibility.”

My father agreed with me, but then when we got back to the house and he pulled the lady aside to talk to her, he had me do the dirty work and tell her that he changed his mind and she could stick with her original plan and pay for it herself. If the sink wasn’t costing my father money, I probably would have told her to have the plumber fix that too, but it was, so I helped my father fix the sink and we were on our merry way.

Status: Wondering where I left my heart.

Sigh of Relief

I wasn’t sure what to post today. I feel better and I mean genuinely better than I did yesterday evening. What I needed yesterday was some alone time and I didn’t give myself that because napping doesn’t count as alone time since I wasn’t awake to enjoy it. This morning, I woke up and relaxed in bed for a while thinking about my next move and other random things and I’ve sailed through the day letting nothing really get to me.

Status: Peachy-keen.

Two-Faced

I had a two part day. The first part was fine. I was checking out a new store and running errands for the first part and that went well. Then I got home and relaxed for a few minutes and suddenly I was dead tired like I would fall over if I didn’t lie down. I didn’t have time to nap so I rested for a few minutes then ran another errand and came back home and went to sleep for a while.

The day has been downhill from there. I woke up feeling depressed and irritated for no good reason, but I think I covered it up nicely.

Status: Trying to feel better.

I'm In Love....

After being spoiled with a three week vacation I must rejoin the regular world again. That’s depressing in itself. I got back Thursday evening and relaxed then I ran some errands on Friday and spent most of Saturday getting myself mentally prepared to return to my regular life. My vacation was amazing and wonderful and the only thing I missed was writing. I took my laptop, but my family saw to it that I didn’t spend much time writing. I can honestly say that I am in love with writing. Even when I was enjoying my vacation, I was mentally writing stories and thinking of things and details I could use from my vacation as parts of new stories. I have mentally changed a few upcoming updates but I’m not sure if I’m going to officially change them or leave them as they are. I have to decide soon, but I’ll deal with that when the time comes.

I suppose if I was gone longer I would have missed my friends and the rest of my family but as it was, three weeks was not enough time to miss them.

Status: Trying to get my brain to return to normal mode.

Vacation-Be Back In A Couple of Weeks

My vacation begins in about 4 hours. I don't know if I'm going to blog while I'm gone or not so I decided to put this here in case I don't.

I Can Do Well By Doing a Good Job

It was a slow day. I had time to wonder about random things. Like what is the big deal with good versus well. I understand that it is grammatically incorrect to say do good, because well should be used with verbs. People do well, not good. I get that. But why is the phrase “do gooder” and not “do weller.” I mean do weller sounds like crap and I understand why people don’t say it. If you say do weller too fast, it will sound like dweller so that’s fine, but if people can be do gooders, then people can do good. I’m not trying to rewrite the English language, I’m just wondering. I remember to say do well because of an irritating moment when I was in middle school. I asked a teacher “If we do good can we leave early?” and then this other student said, “You mean if we do well.” I smiled and shrugged it off because I knew the student didn’t mean anything by it, but I’ve never forgotten it. I wasn’t in English class so what was the point of correcting me? It bothered me because it wasn’t the teacher who corrected me. Not only was my error not egregious by any means, but it was also a common mistake and not worthy of being corrected. Fortunately, I learned my lesson and I usually use “good” and “well” appropriately. I won’t lie and say I don’t occasionally misuse the words, but it doesn’t bother me when I do, and I never had anyone correct me before that middle school incident or after, which leads me to believe that most people don’t care whether you say good or well because they know damn well what you mean. I’m not sure why that memory crossed my mind today, but it did.

Status: It’s all good.

I Feel Different

I need to do some work on my website. I keep pushing it back, but I’m going to be out of town soon and I know I won’t be working on the website so I need to make a few changes sooner rather than later. I’m imposing a deadline on myself for Starving For Love because I’m getting ridiculous. I don’t understand why I won’t take the two minutes to log in and update the story. I am updating it by Sunday at the latest.


I’m Getting Old

Yesterday I was a year younger and a few steps closer to where I started
Today, age has given me false maturity and driven me closer to the end
Each day passes like a circling shark, testing the waters before attacking
I grow older by the second and wiser by the minute
The promise of the Golden Years haunts me while I sleep
Fantasies of weakened states and fading health,
Placing bets on which faculties I’ll lose and which will remain
Wondering which disease, if any, will launch an assault without warning
I live for the hope that tomorrow finds me in good health
And for the dream that all time is precious
I don’t worry about wrinkles or sagging skin
Exterior beauty fades
I worry about losing memories and abilities
And I pray that towards the end, each day will be a blessing
And I’ll remember where I’ve been and who I am
Because the most important part of my life is that I lived it.


Status: Actually feeling a year older.