Greatness?

So, today I learned that I am great at yet another thing. I was teaching a class today and there was an adult sitting in on my class. After the class they told me I should go in to teaching because I have a gift. I don’t think I’m that good. I think I just know how I would want to learn things. Anyway, I bring this up because I’ve heard comments like that before. I took care of my mother after she had her lump removed when she had cancer. Not to gross anyone out, but the doctors left a hole in her breast and it had to be cleaned and drained three times a day and bandaged. I did it and her doctor commended me and told me I should be a doctor because I did an excellent job. All I did was follow the instructions. I’m good at following instructions, especially when it’s important. I don’t really think there is anything particularly great about what I did in either case. Apparently I’m also great in math so I should go teach math. I’m great at persuading people so I should keep my original word and be a lawyer. I’m great at listening and giving advice, so I should further my psychology degree and be a psychologist. I’m great at cooking so I should sell a recipe book or sell my food. I’m great at research so I should further my sociology degree and get a grant to do a sociological study. I could go on, but I’m tired of listing things. The point is that people always tell me I’m great at things that I don’t really care to be great in. I want to be a great writer. That is my goal in life. That is the one thing I wish people would tell me I’m great at, but I only hear that from my fans, and no offense to the fans, but I think they may be a little biased.

It always makes me smile when people tell me I’m great at something, not because I agree with them, but because I’m amused by it. I mean I’m great in comparison to what? To the average person? Okay. I guess that makes me above average. When people tell me I’m great at something, it reminds me of when I was younger and I placed third in two golf tournaments and my mother thought I was the next great golfer. I had to tell her that placing third out of seven or ten people is not that impressive. I gave up golf and she was upset for a while, but she got over it.

People have varying definitions of what great is and I’m not saying I don’t appreciate the compliments because I do, it’s just that I hear it about so many different things and I wonder how much is an exaggeration. I think I’m good at a lot of things, but not great. Then again, maybe my personal definition of “great” goes beyond what other people think of as great.

Status: Pondering the meaning of the word great.

Rambling

So I’m doing well. I spent yesterday putting a ceiling in and I spent today performing assessments for people. Yes, fun times all around! If only. I’m just happy I get to kick back and relax this evening and watch the presidential debate. I know I’ve watched presidential debates before but I don’t remember any of them. I’m excited but I have a feeling that I probably won’t enjoy the debate, but I’ll soldier on and watch it all just because I started watching it in the first place.

On an actual happy note, I’m supposed to be catching up with some old friends this weekend. I hope it happens. I haven’t seen some of them since January. I actually didn’t realize it had been that long until right now. Wow! That’s most of the year.

The paper I wrote the article for is trying to screw me. They don’t want to pay me. Can you believe it? They ran my article and the photographs I took and they don’t want to pay me anything. I swear these things only happen to me. I have that “I’m a genuinely nice person who will just cut my losses when you screw me” look. Last time I checked freelance reporters get paid unless it is otherwise agreed. I’ve written things before and been paid. This is the first time someone has pulled this type of stunt. That’s why you should always get things in writing. I had a feeling the situation would turn out this way, but I’m not even upset about it. The guy wants me to write some more articles for him. I told him we’d have to play by my rules for any additional articles. The only thing I like doing for free is my creative writing and that’s just because it makes me feel good to know that people are reading it, even if some people do hate it. What's the point in writing all the things I write if no one ever reads them but me?

Well that’s almost all that’s happening with me. I’m going to start a new tutoring/teaching thing on Monday. Hopefully it goes well. It’s going to mess up my entire writing schedule though because I do a lot of writing at night and now I won’t be able to do that until the weekends. I have to make actual lesson plans for the students and everything. Sometimes being an adult with responsibilities and goals in life sucks and not in the good way.

Status: Finalizing the date when The Science of Us will be available in book form and hoping people don't hate the changes I've made to the story.

Can You Feel That?

Today was one of those not so good days. I spent most of the day feeling fairly numb. Things that usually would have irritated the hell out of me didn’t bother me so much. My time was wasted and I didn’t care. People made some snotty comments to me and I brushed them off. Other people tried planning my future for me and I just ignored them.

I don’t know what was wrong with me today. I wasn’t sad. I guess I was just apathetic. I didn’t care either way. Maybe I didn’t get enough sleep last night or maybe I was so frustrated this morning that I choose to just shutdown for the day instead of expressing my anger at the situation. Whatever the case, I felt like a drone.

I thought the entire day was going to be filled with numbness then I received a phone call letting me know that my article had been published. That changed everything for a few minutes. I was excited as I sped to the local store to buy the paper, only to find that the new copy hadn’t arrived yet. I know the paper only comes out once a week, but still, you would think it would be distributed to all locations by 4 pm. I guess I’ve been spoiled by papers that are actually delivered first thing in the morning.

A relative got one of the papers and gave it to me when they found out I didn’t have one. It was a kind gesture and I really appreciated it, but I wasn’t overly happy about it anymore. It was nice to see my name in print (where it belongs). That finally brought me out of my weird state of mind. I feel good right now. I’m hoping it lasts through the night.

Status: Thrilled that the numbness has passed.

Lost Families

I watched this show on television called The Locator. I knew I didn’t want to watch it. I knew it would be too sad for me, but I watched it anyway and then I ended up watching episodes of it for two hours. Some people have such sad stories when it comes to their families. The show made me grateful for my own dysfunctional family because at least I know where they are.

This poem was inspired by the show:


Birthright

Desolate places hide within my heart
Barren except for the memory of being pulled apart
The tragedy was not that we were separated
The tragedy is that I remember.

There are people out there somewhere who have pieces of me
Genes that link us forever but could not keep us together
Because biology was negated by law
And an organization meant to look after our well being
Decided we were better off without each other
Your family only wanted you
I, your family by birth, was denied my birthright to be your sibling

You had to lose me in order to be with them
They were the ones who shaped your future and molded your dreams
And I, I was the one thing you always knew was missing
And you were my reminder that life wasn’t fair

We’ll be strangers when we see each other next
But I will love you even then
Because there is nothing strong enough to break our bond
You are my sisters and I,
I am the brother who has spent his entire life waiting for you.


Status: Thinking I shouldn't watch the Locator again.

My Eyes Are Closing As I Type This

I’m tired again. I think I had too much on my to-do list the last two days. I completed all of my tasks, but now I’m paying the price. My body feels like it wants to give out on me, so I guess I’ll spend tonight resting and trying to give my mind a break.

I went on an interview today for a freelance reporter job for an actual newspaper. It went better than I expected. I have my first assignment, but I need to discuss payment options before I know how well this is going to work. It’s weird, good things in terms of employment keep happening to me this half of the year. It’s exciting! I’ve never had a problem finding jobs, but now I’m actually finding jobs I want as opposed to just having a job.

Status: Two yawns away from passing out.

I Have Lights Again!!!

My lights were off for most of yesterday. I missed my television shows, but I also missed campaign ads, so I guess there were pros and cons to no tv. I wish I had a DVR. I don’t know why I didn’t get it; although, I’m the type of person to actually watch the commercials when I could fast forward through them. I like commercials for the most part. I just don’t like campaign ads, from either side.

I think I've been posting way too many poems, but here is another one:

This poem is in honor of Maury Povich’s favorite type of television show.

A Maury Moment

He prefers the dark
Then he can sit in a room alone with himself
Without fear of catching sight of his reflection
Because facing the mirror is almost as hard as facing them.
Everyone knows he’s guilty.

It was never his intention to hurt so many people
He loved them all
But his nature was to float through life
Wandering from place to place.
That’s why he did it.

He lasted years longer than anyone expected
Because he had discovered some where worth staying
He was happy there
He just wasn’t cut out to remain forever.
That’s why he did it.

It started out with long stares at greener grass
Then turned in to occasional visits
And finally became a situation he didn’t want to handle
The baby is his
Everyone knows he cheated.

Status: Happy for a day with lights. I missed them.

My Cousin

I get inspired by random things. I was thinking about my cousin today (September 11 for me because I haven't gone to bed yet). He’s in the army and currently in Iraq for his third or fourth time. Although I guess I should put up a disclaimer and say that he’s not like the person in the poem. Anyway, here’s the poem:

It’s About You

She knows you never came back
You’re lost in a foreign place
Maybe that’s why you look forward to returning there,
Maybe you realize you left something behind.

She can tell you exactly what you left
It’s the part of you that could look at her and move her heart,
The part that knew how to enjoy life,
The part that wasn’t so cynical.

She spends hours listening to you tell stories
But you never mention the images you can’t forget,
The ones that visit your dreams at night,
The ones that won’t let you be at peace.

She hears the changes in your voice
Subtle shifts in tone that make you seem afflicted,
Tortured by what you’ve seen,
Tortured by what you’ve done.

She wants to help you but she doesn’t know how
Your wounds need treatment she can’t provide
Though she would if she was able,
Though she would if you let her.


Status: Realizing I didn’t say anything about 9/11. Maybe I should write a new poem about it for tomorrow or something.

I Got The Message and I Concur

So I woke up this morning to find an email from an online acquaintance telling me that my last post sounded like that of a bitter American. I wondered why they didn't just leave a comment then I was excited that I now know of three people who read my blog. I don't mind criticism even public criticism. I don't like it when people are nasty with their criticisms, but I rather enjoy hearing counter arguments that can open my eyes to a different perspective. Comments and critiques both make me smile, although I will confess that comments make my smile a little wider.

So speaking of the post, I reread it this morning. It is a bit angrier than I realized and I concede it does have a bitter ring to it. Maybe I am bitter. It's hard to explain to people from other countries why America does the things it does. And it sucks when you vote for the losing team because obviously you thought your team was the best.

Anyway, I'll do a regular post later.

Status: Admitting someone else has a valid point.

Am I Just Completely Wrong?

Americans vote for dumb reasons. I know it’s politically incorrect to say it, but it’s true. I wasn’t old enough to vote in the 2000 election, so I wasn’t part of that whole fiasco. I do remember that Gore won the popular vote but lost the election. Funny how a country supposedly run by the people didn’t listen to the people. It was in 2000 that I learned that every vote counts, but not really. Some people live in states that don’t matter. I am fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to live in a state that matters. I bring up the 2000 election because I met a guy who said that Clinton was a great president and he loved the Clinton years, so I made a comment about him voting for Gore. He quickly told me that he voted for Bush. I asked him why and his reason was that he had no doubt Gore would have been a great president, but he’d seen what the Clinton administration could do and he wanted to see what a different administration could do. I found that interesting. This guy was telling me that he traded an administration he was completely satisfied with for one he knew nothing about. Talk about rolling the dice. I wonder what that guy is saying now. I’m not voting for McCain (unless he becomes a different person), but I will say this, if you love the Bush administration and you think they’ve done a kick ass job (I mean that both literally and figuratively), how can you vote for Obama? I guess I just don’t understand being a risk taker when it comes to my country.

In 2004, people were mobilizing and I, along with half the world, thought that Bush was going to lose the election. How could he win after the things he had done? The country was immersed in an unpopular war and it just seemed like there was no way he would win re-election. The Bush administration lost my vote when they disrespected the UN. How can we expect other countries to abide by the rulings of the UN if we don’t? I remember the United States petitioning the UN to go to war with Iraq and when it became clear that the UN was going to say no, we rescinded our petition and went to war. Nobody talks about that anymore, but to me, that was like a big F U to the UN. So the dumb reason I heard from one person for re-electing Bush, was “He got us in to this mess (Iraq). He should get us out of it.” Talk about not making sense. Bush was not some child who needed to be taught a lesson. I’ll put it this way, if a plastic surgeon botches your surgery, and you go back to them to fix it, I have less sympathy for you when you die on the operating table.

I realize we were fighting two wars in 2004, Iraq and Afghanistan, but only one bothered me. Don’t get me wrong, I am a peace loving citizen but I understand the war in Afghanistan and I’m mostly for it, but I never fully understood the war in Iraq. Perhaps there are secret files that are too confidential for my eyes to see and that’s why I’m ignorant about the issue. All I can go on is the information that is released and in that information, one war makes sense while the other does not.

Now what sent me on this horrible tirade about Americans voting for dumb reasons? I was reading an article today in which a former Hillary supporter said she was voting for McCain because Palin was on the ticket. Are you kidding me? Politically speaking, the policies of Hillary and Palin are diametrical opposites, which tells me that the woman was just voting for Hillary because Hillary was a woman and thus will vote for Palin because Palin is a woman. That’s as bad as a black person voting for Obama because he’s black. Being president involves a lot more than gender or race and if that’s all it takes to win your vote then I’m not sure if you should be allowed to vote. Heck, I’ll take the people voting for change over people voting on something like race or gender any day. At least the people voting for change are voicing their disagreement with the Bush administration. Voting for Palin because Hillary isn’t on the ballot is like voting for Ann Coulter because Nancy Pelosi didn’t make the ticket. Hey they’re both women, right? All women are not the same.

I don't know, maybe I'm wrong on every level. It's been known to happen before.

Okay, enough of that mess. I wanted to also write about this other article I saw today, but I guess I’ll write about it tomorrow because I wrote much more than I intended to write on this topic. I guess it upset me more than I realized.

Status: Upset that some people don’t take the election process seriously enough.

Making Moves Again

I’m finally working on my website again. I had stopped for a long time and my blogs were the only things that changed but I’m back and I feel like doing something to it. I’ve been playing with a few different things tonight. I made a couple of small changes that I actually saved and published, but I don’t know how I feel about them yet. I’ll have to look at the site tomorrow after I’ve been away from it for a while.

I’m going to make an announcement to my Yahoo group either today or tomorrow that I am putting myself on my own version of story punishment. The Science of Us will end soon. I’m not posting anything else until I’ve posted the last few chapters because if I wait this will turn in to a repeat of last year and I don’t want that. There is no reason for me to hold on to these chapters.

Status: Trying to keep my word.

I'm Okay Today

I got a lot of work accomplished today and I found this poem I wrote:

Between Us

Friendship stands between us
As you wrap your arms around me
Pressing our bodies together.
I contemplate pushing friendship aside
But I step back instead.

Six years ago we met for the first time
As you were moving in the room next to mine
Trying to be closer to your girlfriend.
She lasted five more months
While we have lasted ever since.

In my head it’s so easy to tell you how I feel
I can express myself a hundred different ways
And I can imagine you confessing to feeling the same
But I lack the courage to pursue my fantasies
Because I’d rather watch you be happy with someone else
Than risk you not speaking to me.

Friendship stands between us
Like an unobtrusive brick wall
Sometimes I climb and stand on top
But I never come down on your side
For fear of crashing to the ground.

There are times when I believe I can do it
Times when I convince myself I need to know
Then I look in your eyes
And suddenly I’m afraid of losing you
Because friendship stands between us.


Status: Relaxing.

All Good Things Must Begin To Come To An End. Goodbye Kieron! John Paul and Craig Will Soon Be Gone Too...

I’m feeling tired for some reason. I think watching Niall poison Kieron and then seeing John Paul find the body was too depressing for me. I can’t imagine how John Paul must feel. Why did Niall and his super evil self have to make it look like a suicide? Myra should know better though, because Kieron called her. Why would he kill himself before he told her what he found out or without leaving a note?

I’d just like to put a warning for everyone out there: If you find out someone’s big secret, I don’t recommend letting them fix you a meal or open your drink for you because some people are willing to kill for their secrets. After discovering Niall’s secret, it should have been clear to Kieron that he didn’t know Niall at all, and therefore he couldn’t trust him, but that may just be my twisted, “I’ve seen that movie too many times” mentality. I just think they could have done better with that part. I understand what they were trying to show, Kieron considered Niall to be a friend and on top of that, Kieron was a trusting person, but I wish he could have gone another way.

As for John Paul, I can’t wait until next week to see how he deals with what he thinks happened and reconciles that with what he was coming to tell Kieron.

Status: Dealing with the closure of a storyline I enjoyed and the realization that all of my Hollyoaks' boys are leaving me.

Breaking News: There Are Comments On Posts!

Someone has commented on some of my posts! I’m sure I am way too excited about that, but I can’t help it. It made my night! Pathetic, I know, but true. I was going to respond to one of the comments, but then I changed my mind and decided to respond in a more public way. Thank you, bow (bow is the name of the person who posted comments, not a reference to me taking a bow), for your comments! I always just assume nobody is reading (because my friends don’t even read my blog), which is why it has taken me this long to look down at my old posts and notice there were comments. I guess I should probably check the box to be emailed when someone comments. Maybe it will happen again.

My first thought when I saw a comment was, "Perhaps I should start censoring myself," but then I remembered the beauty of blogging is that it is not supposed to be censored. That said, I apologize in advance for my less than normal ways and for some of the not so good poems I will shamelessly inflict on you.

Status: Feeling better after an impromptu pick-me-up.

No Longer in Love

Have you ever been so in love with someone and then they do one thing and they are completely ruined in your eyes? That’s what happened last night. I was in New York City during 9/11 and that’s when I fell in political love with Giuliani. I watched him in action and was amazed that Giuliani, as the mayor of New York City, showed more leadership skills in a time of crisis than Bush and his entire administration. I loved Giuliani and no one could persuade me otherwise. The more I learned about his policies and political positions, the more I loved him. He wasn’t ultra-conservative but he wasn’t ridiculously liberal either. I’m an independent and most of my family and friends are either democrats or lean heavily towards the Democratic Party. Many of them were outraged when I made it known that if Giuliani was the Republican nominee he would have my vote. They bombarded me with questions such as, “After eight years of Bush, how can you even consider voting for a Republican?” My answer was simple, “I’m not voting for a party, I’m voting for him because I believe he is the best candidate. I agree with many of his policies and above all else, I trust his ability to lead the country during a time of crisis.” Until last night, I adored this man. Now I see that he is no better than any of the Democrats or Republicans and that hurts. His speech left me both shocked and appalled. Now I have to say that I no longer adore him. In fact, I am very disappointed in him.

Status: Seeing living proof that people can watch the exact same event and come up with a million different interpretations.

I'm Going to Do It

So I was sitting around today listening to more crap about Palin’s daughter when I started thinking about the Science of Us, in which there is a teen pregnancy sub plot, that involves marriage, and the stars of the story are two (gay) hockey players. I promised it would not make it to its third anniversary. I said I would have the last chapters posted this summer and the book version available, but I haven’t. Thanks to the vice presidential drama, I have been inspired again to part ways with the story that started the group. I’m going to try to post the next chapter in the coming week and the next one shortly after that. I’ve been holding on to this story for far too long. I know I say that every time I get the courage to just end it, but I mean it this time. The Science of Us has to be all online this year. No excuses.

Status: Surprisingly still obsessed with Hollyoaks. I can’t wait to see how this whole John Paul, Craig thing plays out, especially since I know Kieron is about to meet an untimely end at the hands of my handsome but devilish Niall. (Darn you Niall, you handsome psycho you!) All of my favorite characters are about to leave Hollyoaks so I guess my love affair with the show will be nothing more than a summer fling.

Slow and Steady

Today was a slow day. I’m sharing another random poem I wrote.

Changed

Your fingertips speak eloquently to my arm
Tracing words into my flesh
And leaving the reminder of direct contact;
I wonder if you understand what’s changed.

Your eyes hold an in-depth conversation with mine
Calling for the reunification of two continents
And promising a bridge that will never break;
I wonder if you understand what’s changed.

Your smile dares to give subtext to your statements
Twisting your original words in to food for thought
And leaving the reminder of a requested resolution;
I wonder if you understand what’s changed.

Your embrace sings a soothing song to my soul
Countering yesterday with fantasies of tomorrow
And promising a bridge for the past to travel under;
I wonder if you understand what’s changed.

Your power over me has faded away
Leaving the reminder of an old flame
And promising a bridge that leads to something new;
I wonder if you understand that I have gotten over you.


Status: Wondering if slow and steady really wins the race.

Food!

I barbecued today and successfully killed five bees and one fly who were attempting to get near my food. It’s weird because I felt bad killing them. I tried to shoo them away but they kept coming back, which meant they had to die. Whoever says the honeybee population is dying out, obviously hasn’t been to my area. I’ve seen more honeybees recently than I have in a long time.

Status: Thinking about a career as a professional bug swatter.