Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Why Do People Live Like That By Choice?

Today my father recruited me to go help him do some work at one of his rental properties. As we were driving over there, he started telling me that this particular family has him thinking about getting out of rental property. I’ve heard his stories about them before but I wasn’t prepared for what I saw. We walked in the house and the first thing I wondered was where all the furniture was. This lady has been in the home for over six months. She’s getting public assistance and could get a furniture voucher, so I’m not sure why she doesn’t have any furniture. She does have beds though and nice televisions, computers and radios (not covered by a furniture voucher). Everybody doesn’t want furniture, but with the amount of company she has, she needs furniture. There's no where to sit. She doesn't have enough furniture to furnish a one bedroom apartment yet she's living in a three bedroom home. She only has a few dishes. She doesn't have anything in her living room or dining room or kitchen. Not to mention the fact that she has more people staying with her than she said she would. It’s one thing to live that way when you have to, but she doesn’t have to.

The house stinks and is utterly disgusting. There were roaches everywhere. I hate roaches, even the ones that are the size of small ants. If I saw a roach in my home, I’d probably run out and buy a lot of bug spray and fumigate my home like a madman. I freak out when I see an ant or a spider in my home, I hate to imagine how loud my reaction would be if I saw a roach. Just thinking about roaches makes my skin crawl. While we were working at the house I was looking around like a paranoid person, afraid that a roach might crawl on me, and worst of all, afraid that the roach might hitch a ride on me to my home.

We completely renovated the home before this lady moved in. She had new carpet throughout, new paint, new fixtures, new doors, new locks, new kitchen floor, new shower, new railing and a lot of other things and she and her children have done more damage in six months than the previous different tenants did over an eighteen year period. This lady and her kids don’t give a damn about anything. They had water just running, but why would they care when they’re not paying the bill? My father told me that he was there over the weekend fixing a stopped up toilet. One of them flushed a small bottle down the toilet and then they were wondering why the toilet was stopped up. Why the hell do you think it’s stopped up? And another thing, they have two toilets in the house. They stopped up one and didn’t say anything until they stopped up the other one too. Who does that? Who waits until both toilets have been messed up?

I can see why my father is about ready to get out of the rental property business. He cut this lady a break because she gave him a sob story about her previous landlord. Her previous landlord had turned off the water on her. I understand why now. My father wanted a tenant who was working but he let this lady move in because he has a heart and he felt bad for her plus he didn’t want the house to be empty for too long. He realizes now that he should have waited for a working tenant, although who’s to say the working tenant would be better? The sad part about rental property is that bad tenants come in all forms.

The lady and her family have destroyed at least one thing in every room, and more than that in many rooms. The most shocking thing they did was knock down a small wall that gave people using the toilet in the basement a little privacy. When you’re renting, you’re not even supposed to paint a wall without asking the landlord first, why would you knock down a wall? I don’t care how small the wall is, there is no excuse for that.

Sometimes I wonder how people can live certain ways. Needless to say, I won’t be going in to the rental business.

Status: Happy I have some standards.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

There's A Story Brewing

I was tortured most of today by this man in my head who wanted me to write a story about him. I was trying to send in professional writing samples to a few people who have inquired about my resume and wanted samples but the man made it nearly impossible. The image of him was so vivid and exact in my mind. He was begging me to write about him and I was begging him to give me a moment to finish what I was doing. He didn’t leave my thoughts but I somehow managed to finish one writing sample and send it in. Then I gave up and decided to send the other samples tomorrow. As soon as I was done, I had to sit down and bring the mystery man to life. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to finish his story because I had to do my part time job, but he’s still calling me, so I’m about to work on that in a minute after I make a short post to my news blog.

Oh and here’s a poem I wrote while at work today. Two days in a row of poetry, wow! I’m always writing something, even if I don’t share it, but I’ve been in the mood to share lately.

The First Snow

I’m jealous of a snowflake as it falls in your hand and elicits a smile
Your body is so warm; heated to protect you from the cold,
From me
I hold an umbrella over your head to prevent the flakes from falling on you
You stare at me as if I’ve taken something away
Then your body shivers from the bitter wind
Umbrellas don’t block out everything.

You reach for a flake
I stop you before you can touch that thing that makes you happy
That thing that’s not me
A light breeze passes between us taking the truth with it
I would say something but your face says it all
Yet another thing I’ve stolen.

You step back in the house more to retreat from me than the weather
I drop the umbrella and let the snow land on my head
You don’t want me around
We’ve fallen apart and reached this point,
The cold you can take
The snow you like
Me, well me you can do without.

Status: Obsessed with the man in my head.

Monday, April 28, 2008

The Opposite of Life

So there was a death in my family on Friday and I felt like crap because I didn’t care much. I guess I should take a second to explain. The person who died was the wife of one of my mother’s cousins. I haven’t seen the woman in at least nine years and that’s assuming that she was at the last major family funeral I attended, but she probably wasn’t.

I always feel strange when someone who I don’t really know dies and I’m expected to feel sad but I don’t. Does that mean that something is wrong with me? Sometimes I’ll watch stories on television or hear something on the news or read something in the newspaper or online and feel sadder for complete strangers than I do for my own family. The irony is that some members of my family are virtually strangers to me. I could pass them on the street and not even know who they were. That’s how it is with the woman who died. My mother met her before and knows her husband well, but I can’t even conjure up an image of either of them.

So I spent the weekend beating myself up and thinking there must be something wrong with me because a normal person would at least care a little bit about what was going on. It was awful. I felt so guilty. I couldn’t write anything. I tried analyzing myself and trying to feel something about the situation but I came up with nothing. I woke up this morning and I just felt better for no real explicable reason. I’m not the first person who isn’t close to every single member of my family and I won’t be the last.

The Only Thing That’s Promised

Like a promise of something more
I don’t seek it, but it finds me
Catches me in dark corners and winks,
Runs when I reach for it.

Like an album I’ve heard before
With lyrics I know from a to z
No chasing involved,
I always have it in my hands.

Emotional status: Mentally relieved.

Friday, April 25, 2008

My Green-Eyed Monster Doesn’t Come Out To Play Very Often

So I was talking to a family member today and we got on the topic of my high school friends and what they’re doing now. The person made the comment, “How does it feel that they all passed you by?” I knew exactly what the person meant, but I asked just to be sure and they quickly clarified, “Most of them have their Master’s or are in grad school for something.” I answered them honestly and told them, “I’ve never thought of it that way. Pass you by implies that we were in a race or competition with each other, and I’m not in competition with any of them. I’m happy for all of them. If I wanted my Master’s I would have it, but it wasn’t something I wanted. They did and they went after it. What kind of friend would I be if I looked at them and saw that as them passing me by?”

I know I can be overly sensitive sometimes, but the comment rubbed me the wrong way because I knew the person who asked it well enough to know how they meant it. They thought I should be jealous of my friends, but how can I be jealous of someone for doing something I didn’t want to do? It’s not like my family loves them more than me or something of that nature that warrants jealousy. Their education is not a threat to me. I’m secure enough with my own intelligence to not be insecure because someone has more degrees than I do. I love them, so it makes me feel good that they went further than I did and they continued when I threw in the towel and said I was done. Most of my good friends from college, stopped at a Bachelor’s degree like I did and part of me wishes at least one of them would go back, because they’re always talking about it.

I don’t talk about going back to school. It’s not something I want to do at this time in my life, and personally, I’m sick and tired of family members telling me that I should go back to school because I’m so intelligent. Does not having a graduate degree of some kind make me less intelligent? I know that’s not what they mean, or at least I think that’s not what they mean to imply, but sometimes that’s what I hear. It’s like they’re saying I’m too smart not to be in grad school. I like to believe I have the right to disagree with them and better than that, I shouldn’t let them force me to do something that I am not interested in doing. There is a long list of reasons why I don’t want to continue with my higher education, some have to do with money, some are psychological but most (at this time) are emotional.

Yes, I realize I graduated college before all of my friends, but that means nothing to me and I downplay it as much as I can in the same way that I downplay the college I went to because people make too many assumptions when they hear an Ivy League name. The family member who I was speaking with thought that I should feel bad because I finished college before them, but they’re now further along in terms of education, than I am. Perhaps the average person does think like that, but I don’t. I’ve never worried about keeping up with my friends or relatives or living my life to fit in with theirs. Honestly I think my friends love me because I’m a little crazy and a lot of weird combined with a lot of love. I hope they know I want what’s best for them and it doesn’t matter to me if I don’t have as much money as some of them or as many degrees as some of them or a love life like some of them because I’m too busy at the moment being happy for them and living vicariously through them. Maybe when I get a real life of my own again, I will see the light and suddenly be envious of all that they have, but I doubt it, because I’ve had a real life before and when I did have one, I was too focused on living it to worry about what might have been missing.

What my family member said, just reminded me that there are people out there who pretend to be happy for your successes but really aren’t. I hope I never become one of those people.

Emotional status: Unsure.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Nothing Really

I actually did something to the website today. I added a few of my short stories. I haven’t decided exactly what I’m going to do with the stories section, but I feel good because I did something productive to the site. A few people have told me things I can do to and with my website. I’m not sure about some of the suggestions. I have free time though, so I may try a few and see what happens.

I was going to say a lot more about what I plan on doing with the site, but I don’t like to make false statements because, given my fickle nature, the things I’m thinking about today may be off my list tomorrow.

Emotional status: Excitement.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Keep Reading

I’m obsessed with reading stories online. There, I confessed! Every few weeks (or couple of months sometimes) I come forward and admit my addiction, and no, I’m not using the word addiction lightly. I can’t stop myself, and believe me, I’ve tried. I am however, doing a great job writing most days, because usually I get wrapped up in a story and my own writing takes a back burner. The people in my group know that unfortunate fact already.

I bring this up because the one thing that has been lacking is my website. I’m doing a great job updating my blogs, even if I do say so myself, but I haven’t been doing so well with the website. I think I’m going to start adding excerpts from some of my stories to the website soon. I feel like I need to do something to it. I also need to break down and post the update for Science of Us because I’ve been dragging it out and I don’t have a good reason.

Emotional status: In love with words.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

As Fate Would Have It

Today was another draining day. It started with what was supposed to be yet another interview. The irony was that I didn’t even want the job, but I was going on the interview because I felt like getting out of the house and because I enjoy being interviewed. I was treating the interview as a practice interview, which I’ve done before (about three times last week to be exact). It’s nice to get hired and feel wanted by a company, even if I have no intentions of working for them. Is it wrong of me to waste a company’s time like that? Perhaps. Anyway, back to the story. I woke up this morning and thought about calling to cancel, but I didn’t want to cancel, so I got in my car an hour before I was supposed to be there because the place was about 20 minutes away, and I wanted to be early and sit in the parking lot until 15 minutes before my scheduled time and I wanted to allow extra time in case of traffic.

So I got on the freeway. The ramp for my exit was backed up, but I still was not deterred. I went down the ramp and thought about alternate ways to go. Then like magic, at the exit where I was going to get off and take the streets, traffic cleared up and was moving smoothly, and I, like the fool I am, thought all was well with the freeway and continued only to come to a screeching halt after I passed the next exit. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I turn on the radio and the very first thing I hear is the traffic report telling me that there is an accident up ahead and the freeway I’m on is backed up for miles. Needless, to say, I wasn’t too happy about that. I immediately thought of a plan B and decided to get off on the next exit and take the streets to a different freeway. As if reading my mind, the traffic report, next told me that the other freeway I was planning on taking was backed up from the exit I was planning on using to get on. I laughed a little to myself and took it as a sign that I was not meant to go to that interview, but I shook off the thought and decided to see what happened. Twenty five minutes later, I realized I would be late to the interview because I had about forty-five minutes to get there, but traffic was barely moving. I called and told him I wouldn’t be able to make it. He told me I could come late and that he understood because many of his employees had called in and informed him that they were stuck on the freeway and would be late. His exact words were “well I have the time, so since you’re already heading in this direction, you can still come if you’d like.” My thought was, ‘hell no, I’m not about to sit in traffic for another hour and a half to come to an interview for a job I know I’m not going to take,’ but I didn’t say that, instead, I politely declined. I finally reached the next exit and got off and turned around and went back home. Obviously I wasn’t meant to go on that interview.

The rest of my day was filled with random errands and a little house cleaning, mixed with a little television watching and a few hours of work on my part-time job. I know, exciting, right?

Emotional status: Happy because fate intervened and stopped me from wasting too much time this morning.

Monday, April 21, 2008

The Power of Words

Yesterday was a trying day. It started out fine, but it ended on a sour note. Sometimes people can say such insensitive things and manage to deeply offend you while being completely oblivious to having said anything offensive. I won’t say I’m politically correct or anything because I know I say some offensive things sometimes but I try not to say things that might hurt someone’s feelings. There are a lot of times when all it takes is an extra second of thought to edit yourself and rethink your chosen words. I’m not saying you should walk around censoring yourself, I’m just saying you should try not to put your foot in your mouth and you should respect people who respect you.

We don’t have to agree on everything, but respect my right to disagree the same way I respect yours. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.

Emotional status: A little better than yesterday, but still a little down.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Hello June

So I found out today that most of my June will probably be spent out of town. I have a family reunion the first weekend of June and a long family vacation shortly after. The plan is to come home for a day or so between the two and regroup, but a certain someone, better known as my mother, is suggesting that none of us come back after the family reunion and instead either stay there a few more days or head to the vacation destination, Las Vegas, a little early. I’m hoping we come back, but I’ll suck it up and pay to do whichever the family decides because it’s all about enjoying some time together. Although I will confess that the Vegas get-aways are getting a little old. We’ve been on this Vegas kick for a few years now (the past four years to be exact). We started going as soon as I turned 21.

I’m not really complaining though because we always have a good time when we go there. It’s nice to get away from everything for a while. I’ll probably take my laptop and do a few blogs from there, but I’m not making promises yet.

Emotional status: Good.

Friday, April 18, 2008

It's Called Harrassment

So in keeping with the personal thing, my mother had breast cancer last year and she had to have surgery and go through chemotherapy and radiation. The bills started trickling in right away. I called to check on how much she owed and the people said nothing because it hadn’t gone through the insurance yet. First of all, why the hell does the hospital send you a bill before they’ve even processed it? What if I hadn’t called and my parents just paid the bill anyway? Would the hospital have given them a refund with the same quickness? I highly doubt it. That’s not the kicker though. After that, my mother called for each bill that came in and she was always told the same thing. She has two insurances so what one doesn't cover, the other is supposed to cover. Towards the end of last year a collection agency called about one of the bills and she was very surprised. Apparently, calling to check on your bill doesn’t mean you’ll be given factual information. Okay, we could deal with that, but my mother called the hospital to find out why she hadn’t received a new bill and what happened and in the process of asking that, she found out that one of her insurances had refused to pay. That didn’t sound right to her, and after years of paying for insurance and barely using it, she wanted to know how and why they refused to pay when they should have. She called the insurance in question and they informed her that the hospital had filed the paperwork incorrectly and the hospital would have to re-file and they would pay what they owed. Problem solved, right? No! She called the hospital, did their job for them and gave them the address where they needed to send the information, and they screwed it up again!

I bring this up because she told the collection agency that the bill in question was in dispute and the collection agency didn’t give a damn. They still wanted her to pay. She gave the agency a cease and desist order, but they continue to harass her even though it is illegal to do so. I keep telling her that once you give a cease and desist order, they’re not supposed to call you anymore because its in their rules. They can write you letters or try to sue you, but they’re not supposed to call. How do I know this? Well, besides learning it from a very insightful news story on the subject, collections was one of my many jobs and that rule was in the manual. When someone told me not to call them again, I had to put a cease and desist order with the number so that the next time it popped up, the person who got it would know not to call. What I don’t get is why they’re not respecting her request, and worse than that, if they would get off their asses and call the hospital that sent them the damn bill in the first place, they would know that bill has been resubmitted to her insurance.

The problem is that collection agencies don’t do anything but call and harass you. They could care less about having the story straight or getting all the facts and they ignore you when you call in and give them the information they need. My mother told them her entire situation, offered to call the hospital on three-way and have the hospital tell them and they still gave her attitude. I, personally say they’re lucky they’re dealing with her because I’m a nice person, but I would have been recorded myself telling them not to call me and documented the dates and times they called me afterwards and taken them for a ride.

I quit working collections because they tell you to treat people like crap. I had my trainer listening in one day and I called a woman who told me her mother had just died, and yes I realize she could have been lying, but at the same time, she could have been telling the truth. My trainer wanted me to tell this woman: “Your mother has nothing to do with this. This is your bill and you need to pay it now or I will be forced to take action against you.” (insert a heavy dose of attitude on my part). I sweetened it up some and said, “I’m sorry to hear about your mother, but you do still owe on this bill.” Of course the lady told me where to go and hung up. I would have done the same thing. There are a lot of jobs I will do, but calling someone and beating them up when they’re already down is not one of them. I don’t know how collection agents do it. I guess for some it’s a good way to get out their anger.

Anyway, I thought about this because my mother told me she received another call from the collections agency again today. All I can think is thank God she’s not sick anymore, because their harassment (every few weeks) would definitely be unnecessary stress. I feel bad for the people who are still sick and have to deal with that crap. And collection agents wonder why people hate them!

Emotional status: Channeling the irritation my mother is probably feeling.

Thursday, April 17, 2008


Today I won’t be talking about the job hunt. Since people seem to want to know about me I guess I’ll share a little personal information about how I got to this point in my working life. I am currently 24 years old. I’ll be 25 in May. I graduated from college in 2004 and I thought I would have made my mark on the world by now, but a combination of family health issues and low confidence in my ability quickly derailed my progress. First, I spent the majority of the summer of 2004 on mini vacations with my family which prevented me from getting a regular job that summer. Then I settled in and began what has become a laundry list of jobs. First I went to trade school and took real estate classes because I thought I wanted to be a real estate agent during the day and a writer at night. I passed the test and worked as an agent for about 7 months then kind of sort of worked as an agent for the next 3 months. My major problem was the office I worked for and if I could do it again, I would go to a different branch. Who knows, maybe I would still be in real estate.

Anyway, my departure from real estate marked a turning point in my life. I’m willing to confess now: I’ve been a job hopper ever since. I can’t think of the last job I’ve kept for at least a year. But I have kept most for months and one for 8 months and I always seem to have one. My volunteer/part-time job is still hanging in there (it’s the 8 months by the way) but everything else has faded in to the background. I should have majored in English or Economics when I was in college. But hindsight is 20/20.

Hmm, maybe I should grow a backbone and pursue writing on a more serious level.

Emotional status: Still good.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Out of Touch with the Trends?

The thing about going on interviews is that you meet interesting people. I met more characters today than I’ve met in a long time but this post isn't really about them. There are certain things that I thought were standard for going on interviews. I always arrive extremely early and then walk in fifteen minutes early in case there’s something I need to fill out and because I’ve been told you should arrive fifteen minutes early. I also dress professionally unless told otherwise (which has never happened) and I bring a notebook to take notes and a few copies of my resume. The job market is too competitive to not follow the basic rules of interview etiquette. I say these things because I’ve seen it all today. I saw one woman show up over thirty minutes late and she looked like she had just walked in off the street. An odd looking guy came without a copy of his resume and dressed like he was going to the Indians game or something. Maybe I’m being ridiculous because everyone doesn’t have to do things the way I do them but I thought there were some things that were just basic. Have things really changed that much since the last time I was looking for a job? It can’t be.

The Good and Bad: I went on one interview at a place that I knew I was over qualified for. It was a complete and utter waste of time. They loved me, but I hated them and declined their offer. I haven’t heard back from the other people yet.

Anyway, I feel tired as hell.

Emotional status: Feeling emotionally and physically worn down.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Things I'm Willing to Do

First I’d like to report that someone actually cares about my job hunt! It made my day to receive an email from someone who wanted me to share more personal information and explain what type of job I’m looking for in case any of my readers can help. I was pleasantly surprised. I’d love a writing job, but preferably not technical writing because I’ve been there and bored myself half to death doing that. I’m willing to write articles, letters, essays, short stories, poetry, longer stories, blogs, comments on blogs and almost anything else that requires creative writing. That said, as of today, I have a few interviews scheduled for this week for non-writing jobs. I have to see how my interviews go before I make any decisions, but I’m hoping the interviews go well and I am able to pick the one I like the most for the time being. I miss having a job. Its like I can feel myself getting poorer and poorer.

Oh and I know she won’t be reading this, but I’d like to send well wishes to the mother of one of my best buds because she had part of her colon removed today. I just wanted to put my well wishes out there in the universe.

Emotional status: Good.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Resume, Resume, Resume

The majority of my day has been consumed with sending out resumes and polluting the workforce with my credentials. I probably won’t send out as many tomorrow because I don’t like to send out too many resumes, even though I’ve heard there’s no such thing as sending out too many resumes. I guess I’m against the grain in that respect. My technique has always worked for me so I’m going to continue sending out my resumes in batches until I find a new job.

It’s amazing how many crappy jobs are out there. It takes a lot of effort to weed through the crap and find something worth trying to get. I guess if I was desperate for a job there would be no such thing as a crappy job. Thankfully, I’m not desperate…yet. The hope is to get another job long before I reach a point of desperation, because once you become desperate, you can no longer consider yourself above any job or wages, no matter how much experience or education you have.

Emotional status: Content.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

It Looks Good From Up Here

Yesterday was much better than the day before and shockingly, I was in town! I woke up feeling refreshed and excited and confident that things would work out for the best. Then I capped the day off by hanging out with one of my friends and trying sushi for the first time. It was wonderful, both the hanging out and the sushi. I actually liked the sushi and managed to develop my own technique with the chopsticks that while lacking attractiveness, maintained efficiency. I was so pleased with myself and then I wondered if I had been unsuccessful with chopsticks before because I had never really tried to use them. I always opted for a fork and played with the chopsticks or took them home as a souvenir. I’m so proud of myself and I’m giving myself a nice pat on the back and two huge thumbs up. Go me!

Today has been just as good as yesterday. I’ve been my usual optimistic self as opposed to the depressing being I was on Friday. I’m feeling great about quitting my job because I know it’s just a way of freeing me to try something else. I am confident that I made the right decision and though I’m not sure what lies ahead, I am looking forward to finding out.

Emotional status: At the top of the hill and enjoying the view.

Friday, April 11, 2008

As The Clouds Roll In

Today was not a good day. I woke up feeling okay but that feeling quickly gave way to overwhelming feelings of sadness and inadequacy. It didn’t help that it was a dreary cloudy day with intermittent rain and sporadic lightning. It set in that I wasn’t working but the happiness from yesterday did not return. I sent out about five resumes today. I probably shouldn’t have done that, considering my mood, but I did anyway. Today was one of those days when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and pretend I didn’t exist. I can’t believe I quit my job.

I doubted every decision today. The one I doubted the most was my talent as a writer. I’m afraid I’ll always write for myself. I don’t know if I’ll be successful as a writer or even if I can be. Most days I’m confident that I will be, but then there are days like today when I wonder how I was ever dumb enough to believe I have any talent. Writing is something I’ll always do, talent or no talent, but I prefer the days when I think I have some to the days like this when I fear I have none.

It’s frustrating when I have bad days. I can’t really blame anything in particular. I had a great day yesterday and then came this emotional heartache and confusion today. I’m a little better at this point, but that’s because I’m trying to work my way though it and remind myself of good things and happy times and my plans for tomorrow.

Writing this has actually helped some. I like putting it out there and releasing the thoughts that have echoed through my mind all day. I have to be worth more than I think I am at the moment and I know I’ll read this tomorrow and be my “I’m going to be a writer” self all over again. I just hope this regret for quitting a job I hated does not continue.

I have a new story I’ve been thinking about posting so I may read that again and make a final decision as to whether to post it or not. Hopefully that will give me an additional emotional boost.

Emotional status: An emotional wreck and not sure why. I guess this is the fall that I predicted. I should have known I couldn’t make it a full week.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

I Don't Feel Bad

Not having to do my old job was like a weight lifted off my shoulder today. I didn’t realize how much I truly hated that job until I woke up this morning and didn’t have to do it. The feeling was amazing. Any doubts I had yesterday are gone. I’m not going to worry about it. What I did needed to be done.

I saw an old friend today. I hadn’t seem them in like nine years so it was nice, but the best part was that I like the person they’ve become and I’m happy they suggested we actually hang out for a change. We’ve kept in touch off and on, but after spending some quality time with them today, it’s almost as if we never stopped being friends and I definitely plan on keeping in contact more frequently.

I think for all the ways I’ve changed, I’ve still remained the same in all the ways that count.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Major Changes

I’ve been known to be impulsive from time to time and today is no exception. I quit my job today. What is wrong with me? Given today’s economy, how could I just walk away from stable income? I’m still trying to figure that out. Luckily I picked up a part-time job a few months ago, so that should help until I find another full-time job but I’m ridiculous. I know what my problem is. The problem is that I only love writing, and by writing, I don’t mean technical writing like what I was doing, but rather, writing like this and creative writing. I enjoy writing about myself and about things that are happening around me and I absolutely could not live without writing stories and poetry. I need to figure out a way to make writing my career because its my passion and I know that no job I find is going to make me happy unless it involves the type of writing I enjoy doing. Yes, I’ve said that before but this time I mean it. I thought just finding a writing job would do the trick, but my former job taught me otherwise. What’s the point in writing if I hate what I’m writing? I don’t have to love everything I write, and truthfully I have yet to love anything that I’ve written, but I do need to like what I’ve written. I don’t want to write something and then never want to read it again like I did with the things I wrote for my job.

Now I have to figure out how to make this new turn in the road work for me and not against me. The good news is that I’ll have more free time than usual, but I still won’t be completely free because I have to find another job and I’ll probably increase the hours of my part-time job. Man it sucks not having a real job! Oh wait, that’s my fault. What did I do this time?

A quick poem I wrote today:


Jobless and sad
But not homeless and broken
Weak like watered down tea
Begging for the bag to steep a little longer
Too little flavor becomes too much
Too bitter to taste
I spit out what once was mine.

Emotional status: Riding an emotional rollercoaster. Looking forward to the future at the moment, but feeling fearful of the drop I see in front of me.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Darn Morals

Job hunting is harder than it seems. I mean I didn’t expect it to be easy given the state of the economy, but I also didn’t expect to laugh at so many scams. Luckily I know better than to give out money. Everybody wants money and so many people are willing to screw over other people to get it. I’m not one of those people who will do anything for money. If I was, then I would have been rich a long time ago. Sometimes it sucks to have morals. My morals keep me from doing so many different things. I’ll never forget a line Kevin Bacon said in Hollow Man “Its amazing what you can do when you don’t have to look at yourself” or something like that. I haven’t seen the movie in a while, so that isn’t exactly what he said. Anyway I bring that up because it’s true. There are so many things I would do if I didn’t have to look at myself. Although I’m not sure why I’m writing this online. I think I’m getting carried away with this whole blogging thing.

Emotional status: Feeling fine, I guess.

Monday, April 7, 2008

About The Weekend...

My plans were completely screwed up over the weekend. I’m not sure how, but I ended up out of town again! For someone who is accustomed to being at home a lot, being gone so many weekends in a row is a major adjustment for me. Things feel a little out of balance and at the same time I’m beginning to put things in perspective. I have to find another job. That’s just all there is to it. I’m miserable and I’m too young to be miserable.

Emotional status: Saddened by my current position in life.

Friday, April 4, 2008

What Would Dr. King Do?

I just finished writing my news blog and that got me thinking about Dr. King’s dream. He argued for the equality of everyone, but he was a minister so I wonder what he would say about gay rights. The optimist in me feels that he would understand the wish to be seen as equal, but the realist in me, wonders if he would have been able to maintain his followers or if he would have lost them when he addressed the issue.

I was curious so I looked online to see what I could find. There are people arguing both positions, some say that Dr. King would have to support gay rights because he was an advocate for human rights for all, but others say that his religion would prevent him from supporting gay rights. I’d like to believe that Dr. King, being the leader that he was, would have understood that he should support gay rights regardless of his personal reservations. He was always outspoken and he wasn’t afraid to speak up when he felt something was wrong, and I want to believe that he would speak up for a person’s right to love whomever they choose to love because he would understand that the fundamental argument is not about personal beliefs, but rather personal rights.

One of his daughters doesn’t think that her father would have supported gay rights and maybe she knows something I don’t. I will say this though, if Dr. King was still alive and he did not support gay rights, I would have less respect for him, because we’re either all equal, or we’re not. Discrimination in any form is still discrimination, and you can’t stand up against discrimination and then discriminate yourself. He wouldn’t have to agree with whom some people love, but he couldn’t stand up and profess equality of all in one breath and then explain why certain people shouldn’t have equal rights with the other. Things don’t work that way. There’s a name for people who say one thing and do another: politicians. No I’m just kidding, they’re called hypocrites and I don’t think Dr. King would have been one, because not only was he better than that, he was also smarter than that. He was smart enough to separate his religious beliefs from his beliefs about human rights and to understand that the two did not necessarily have to always be the same.

Emotional status: Not so good. I was feeling rather reflective today. I always wanted to make a difference in the world and I’m starting to realize that may never happen and that makes my heart hurt.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Hello, I'm Weird

I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately. I think I call myself weird or odd too often. I do it without really giving it much thought, but I noticed it today and yesterday. I guess it’s like a disclaimer because I know I do strange things, so it’s easier for me to explain that I’m weird before I do something strange. I don’t have a problem with being weird. I accept it and embrace it. When I say normal is overrated, I mean it. I don’t say it just to say it.

I enjoy having discussions with people about what is normal and what isn’t. Everyone has some trait that isn’t considered normal, but some people choose to hide it and only share it with their closest friends, while I choose to be who I am. Take it or leave it. Some days I may annoy you to death, or try to talk you to death and other days I may sit next to you and barely say two words. Obviously I talk to my friends and my family the most so they’ve adjusted to my peculiar ways, which is a good thing because I know they love me for me.

The problem I’m having though is that my heightened awareness of what I say has me wondering how it comes across. What do people think when I tell them I’m weird. I know I’ll forget all about it in a couple of days, but right now, I can’t help but wonder.

Emotional status: I was content most of today, but now I’m starting to feel a little down.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Hum Drum

I am ready to post an update to the group so I’m happy about that because I’m usually a few days off schedule. I’m getting better with my time management, despite being out of town a lot more than usual. Blogging is helping me get a little more focused and I like being able to read my thoughts from other days. It’s been a long time since I kept a journal.

I worked hard again today. I think I like my job a little less each day. It’s not manual labor but it’s exhausting in its own depressing way. I’m not sure if I’m cut out to do a profession that requires little to no creativity. I’m too odd and imaginative to stifle myself the way I’ve been doing. I wish creativity paid more though.

Emotional status: In a funk and not sure why.