Thursday, August 2, 2018

Barely Breathing

I'm back...again. I randomly Googled myself today and one of my old blog posts came up. I wrote it eight years ago. I've changed so much over the past eight years. I've become one of those people who buries themselves in work in order to hide from life. I know I need to stop and I have bouts where I make an active effort to go out and be social, but it never lasts. I'm secretly unhappy and scared. I'm still not all the way over losing my mother three years ago; I have a love/hate relationship with my job; I'm filled with so much doubt about the sequel to Bump This that it's practically debilitating when it comes to doing the final edit and putting it out there. I haven't felt like myself in years and I don't know how to find my way back to the person I used to be. I keep dipping my toe in the water of what made me "me" then quickly pulling my foot back and sitting down on the sand. I need to jump in, but how do I do that when I can't even get my entire foot in the water yet?

And I'm sure no one even reads this blog anymore. Which is probably for the best. It's always been more for me than anyone else. I likely need to try to blog on a regular basis again. I think I was my happiest and most confident when I used my keyboard to pour out my inner most thoughts either in my blog or through the various characters who reside in my head. I used to have to battle with the characters about who was going to be let out for a little while to tell their story. Now, the characters barely say hello to me and when they do, they're usually screaming at me for ignoring them. In case you're wondering, no they aren't real voices, yes they are thoughts and storylines. 

I've randomly updated my Yahoo group and posted tweets over this dry spell, but I haven't indulged in the life I used to have. I know that I need to write because in many ways writing was/is my therapy. I need an outlet for my emotions and that's what writing is for me. And I say this as if I'm going to jump back in, but I know I'll likely take a few baby steps then back away. I'm hopeful that I won't, but I've been stuck in the same start, stop, repeat cycle for years. Anyway, I randomly felt like blogging and getting this out tonight. I'm done for the moment, but hopefully I'll be back soon.