Saturday, January 25, 2014

The Problem is Me

I quit my job in June so that I could focus on writing...then I lost my mind. I started accepting independent contractor positions and enjoying the money. I even had the nerve to accept another full-time job. I say that I did it for the benefits, but I know that I did it for stable income. There is security in knowing that even if my other positions run dry, I'll still have a minimum amount of money coming in each month. That amount is dependable and I like that. 

The problem, however, is that I am losing myself. I work so hard for "money" that my passion for writing is slowly fading and becoming a dream again. I was making so much progress and then I just abandoned ship. I'm not sure if the problem is that I don't believe I will be successful as a writer or that I fear I will. I don't want people to want to know who I am. I love anonymity. I love the freedom that it allows. The fear that someone might love my story enough to find out who I am is somewhat debilitating.

The realist in me often reminds me that I'm not going to get famous writing m/m stories. It's just not going to happen. On some days I get that, but on most days, the shy, attention hating part of me wins. Bump This continues to sell despite me rarely advertising for it. I've been working on the sequel but I keep stopping because I'm afraid that the sequel may be more successful than the original. I'm sure successful authors would laugh at my pitiful sales and tell me that I need not have that fear, but it is there and it is real and I woke up this morning hating myself because of it.

Why can't I truly be all in when it comes to writing? I thought about doing an Indiegogo campaign to raise money so that I could properly advertise for the sequel to Bump This, but fear of opening up about myself and fear that no one would contribute to the campaign kept me from making that move. I don't know why it's so hard for me to believe in myself.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my new jobs and I'm happy that I left my old job behind, but I feel like half a person because I'm not spending a lot of time writing. I have quite a few half written short stories and unedited new chapters for old stories, but they're laying around collecting figurative dust.

Work dictates that I manage my addiction to the written word, but somehow I've construed that as only writing when I have free days. Today is the day that I change that! I need to be more organized. I'm going to carve out time to bring life to my new babies and to edit my old ones.

So all this is to say that I am going to do my darnedest to write more. Look for new stories on Amazon soon and updates to the group at some point....hopefully.