Friday, May 30, 2008

I Can Do Well By Doing a Good Job

It was a slow day. I had time to wonder about random things. Like what is the big deal with good versus well. I understand that it is grammatically incorrect to say do good, because well should be used with verbs. People do well, not good. I get that. But why is the phrase “do gooder” and not “do weller.” I mean do weller sounds like crap and I understand why people don’t say it. If you say do weller too fast, it will sound like dweller so that’s fine, but if people can be do gooders, then people can do good. I’m not trying to rewrite the English language, I’m just wondering. I remember to say do well because of an irritating moment when I was in middle school. I asked a teacher “If we do good can we leave early?” and then this other student said, “You mean if we do well.” I smiled and shrugged it off because I knew the student didn’t mean anything by it, but I’ve never forgotten it. I wasn’t in English class so what was the point of correcting me? It bothered me because it wasn’t the teacher who corrected me. Not only was my error not egregious by any means, but it was also a common mistake and not worthy of being corrected. Fortunately, I learned my lesson and I usually use “good” and “well” appropriately. I won’t lie and say I don’t occasionally misuse the words, but it doesn’t bother me when I do, and I never had anyone correct me before that middle school incident or after, which leads me to believe that most people don’t care whether you say good or well because they know damn well what you mean. I’m not sure why that memory crossed my mind today, but it did.

Status: It’s all good.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

I Feel Different

I need to do some work on my website. I keep pushing it back, but I’m going to be out of town soon and I know I won’t be working on the website so I need to make a few changes sooner rather than later. I’m imposing a deadline on myself for Starving For Love because I’m getting ridiculous. I don’t understand why I won’t take the two minutes to log in and update the story. I am updating it by Sunday at the latest.

I’m Getting Old

Yesterday I was a year younger and a few steps closer to where I started
Today, age has given me false maturity and driven me closer to the end
Each day passes like a circling shark, testing the waters before attacking
I grow older by the second and wiser by the minute
The promise of the Golden Years haunts me while I sleep
Fantasies of weakened states and fading health,
Placing bets on which faculties I’ll lose and which will remain
Wondering which disease, if any, will launch an assault without warning
I live for the hope that tomorrow finds me in good health
And for the dream that all time is precious
I don’t worry about wrinkles or sagging skin
Exterior beauty fades
I worry about losing memories and abilities
And I pray that towards the end, each day will be a blessing
And I’ll remember where I’ve been and who I am
Because the most important part of my life is that I lived it.

Status: Actually feeling a year older.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Happy Birthday!!!

Today is my birthday. Happy birthday to me! The past few years I’ve been treating my birthday like any other day, but today was extra special. I turned 25. I am a quarter of a century old. My family surprised me by taking me out to dinner. Then I had cake and watched a movie with the family then the rest of the Detroit-Boston game. Boston won!

A few of my good friends called me today to wish me a Happy Birthday. I hadn’t heard from one of them in almost a year, so it was an extra special phone call.

Status: I am officially one year older.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Not A Good Memorial Day Weekend

It was a rough holiday weekend. There was another death in the family. I didn’t know that person well either, but when I went to her house to see her daughter, I remembered her daughter and I remembered the house so I know I’ve been there more than once during my adult life. I don’t recall staying there long either time and I can’t picture the face of the woman who died either, but at least this time I remember something. I don’t think I can get out of going to the funeral so I guess I’ll be there whenever it is.

I had a lot of family come in to town on my father’s side. A few of them were from Detroit so they were pretty upset when the Detroit Pistons lost the home game to the Boston Celtics. I’m sure they were happy that the Pistons won last night. I don’t care whether Detroit or Boston wins because my Cavs are gone, but I keep hearing rumors that everyone wants Boston and LA in the finals so I can’t stop myself from watching parts of the Boston-Detroit games. I must be one of only a hand full of people who don’t like the idea of a Boston-LA matchup. I’m not sure why I don’t like it, probably just because everyone else loves it, but I don’t want to see it. Of course I’ll sneak peeks at the games no matter what. I just won’t be watching the full game. I haven’t seen an entire game since the Cavs lost.

All in all, events have conspired to keep me away from the computer, but I’m back now and I plan on posting the Starving for Love update soon.

Status: Tired of distant relatives dying and apologizing for being so heartless.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Re-tiling is a Word. Isn't it?

I re-tiled a bathroom all by myself today (which is technically yesterday at this time, but it will remain today to me until I go to bed and wake up to a new day). So back to tiling the floor: Go me! I’m not saying I enjoyed it, but I am saying trying to cut the perfect piece for the trimming parts was rather relaxing. I tend to think about things too much so it was nice to literally clear my mind for a while. I found myself focused on laying the next piece down and lining it up properly, then I started the trimming and I was halfway done trimming when I realized that I had only been thinking about the tile for almost an hour. I think my mind needed the mental reprieve and I’m sure it was great for my emotional well being, too. I was supposed to have help with the job and usually I would be upset that I ended up doing it alone, yet that didn’t happen today. I appreciated the “me” time. I didn’t even get tired of it. I just did it, like a robot: Peel the paper off, line the tile up, place tile down. I had a system and everything.

I know the story of me putting tile down is not exactly riveting, but it was most of my afternoon because I had to move everything out of the room, then pull up the carpet, then put down that black paper you put down before you start putting the tile down, put down the whole pieces of tile and then finally, cut the pieces I needed to do the trimming.

On a random note, I watched Atonement this evening. I’ve wanted to see that movie ever since it came out. It was another slow movie, but I liked the story because it touched my heart and broke it all at once. It’s so sad to know that there are some things you just can’t undo no matter how much you wish you could.

Status: Still thinking about the movie.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Wal-Mart or MacDonald's?

I’m not sure if I did anything productive today. I feel like yesterday I did so much and today I did so little. I did manage to go to Wal-mart today, for the second time this week. I had done a good job of avoiding it. I tried the new MacDonald’s Southern Style Chicken sandwich today. Since when did chicken with two pickles on it become a good sandwich? The sandwich was small and nothing worth bragging about or ordering again. I wish I would have tried it when it was free with the purchase of a medium or large drink, because that’s about all the sandwich was worth.

Status: Not appreciating free time.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Simply Tired

I feel like I competed in a triathlon and I am physically exhausted. I spent most of today running errands for other people and rushing to get my own work done. It seemed I had just enough time for everything else and absolutely no time for myself. I haven’t had a moment to just stop and relax all day. Thankfully tomorrow will be better.

Status: Tired.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Working Like I Never Have

I’ve been thinking a lot about the people in China who have been affected by the earthquake whether directly or indirectly, but mostly my thoughts are with the parents who lost children. I can’t imagine being told you could only have one child and then losing that one child. It’s bad enough losing some one you love in general, but to lose your only child under these circumstances seems even more painful.

In terms of updating my posts, I need to try to get back to updating everyday but my time has been greatly limited by the freelance thing and the part-time job that I foolishly added more hours to in an attempt to be prepared for two weeks in Vegas.

Status: Feeling overworked.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Better Than Yesterday

I went shopping again today (no Wal-mart for a change). As I was out, it occurred to me that I haven’t updated my job hunt in a while. I’ve found a freelance position for the next few weeks, which is perfect because my vacation is quickly approaching. Life is looking up for the moment.

I was flipping through one of my old notebooks today and I found a poem I wrote. I don’t know when I wrote it but here it is:


Depression is a word you claim to own
Syllable by syllable you form your lips around it
Depression is a word you claim to need
Letter by letter it takes you away from the present

You can spell that word forwards and backwards,
Sideways and upside down on most days
You can spell the “d” word without flinching
Stripping depression down to its core

“An unwarranted and prolonged condition of emotional dejection,”
One definition of your state of mind
An unwarranted and prolonged repression of admission
The decision to delineate your condition with one word

Depression, like the puppy you wanted as a child
Or a blanket that keeps you warm and comforts you through the storm
Depression, like the puppy that’s become a large dog with rabies
Or the two faced friend that smiles in your face and laughs behind your back

At first your heart ached to be free, but depression held it hostage
Captivity fostered the Stockholm syndrome you deny
At first your heart remained a necessity then it soon became an accessory
The word you claim to own has made a victim of you.

Status: Two steps away from skipping.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Let's Be Rational

I am very pleased with the California Supreme Court’s decision today. It was a great decision and I hope more states follow suit. The question of gay marriage should never have been placed in the hands of the people to begin with because the people cannot be trusted to vote solely on the legality of the issue. Some courts have made the wrong decisions before, because, in my opinion the judges allowed their personal views to bias their decision. Perhaps there are some legal arguments against same sex marriage but I have never heard one. I’ve heard a lot of religious based reasons and a lot of fear based reasons and a lot of ignorance based reasons, but I have yet to hear a legal reason. My absolute favorite reason against gay marriage is: “Homosexuality is a sin,” which is obviously not a legal reason unless you plan on outlawing adultery and working on the Sabbath as well (one guess which are actually mentioned as sins in the Ten Commandments. Funny how people always seem to forget that the one they hate the most is the one that was left off the list).

Status: Grateful that four out of the seven justices looked at the facts and not the politics.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

That Is Not Your House

I went to do more manual labor on the rental property today. Who the hell breaks a shower head and uses duct tape and an empty bottle of conditioner instead? When you break something like that, you should tell the landlord. The landlord shouldn’t come over to fix something completely different and look up and see a freaking empty bottle where the shower head should be. Anyway, I helped my father fix the shower head and then we fixed the railing that was coming down the stairs. We had put a new rail in before we rented the house and the rail was nice and sturdy, unfortunately, the woman who moved in has some rough ass boys and I guess they proved stronger than the railing. While at this horrid place, I noticed that not only is the new carpet ruined, but it’s also missing in some places. I hadn’t gone upstairs the last time I was there, but this time I went upstairs and saw one step without any carpet on it. If we had put down the carpet ourselves I might think we messed up or didn’t do it well enough, but my father had the carpet professionally installed because he wanted it to be done right and last a while. I guess my father wasted his money! If I had known the type of people who were moving in, I would have suggested we do it ourselves.

I spotted a hole in the wall that wasn’t there before. It was round and could have been made by an elbow, but probably was made by something else. The water in the toilet upstairs was running and I saw what the problem was and fixed it myself. All the people at the house had to do was put the chain on the hook because the chain was hanging too long and getting stuck under the stopper which was causing water to slowly trickle down. It took all of five seconds for me to fix it. I noticed that the broken door mirror from last time has been broken more. The bad part was that I wasn’t looking around to see what was wrong, but everything was popping out at me.

I still don’t get why they want to live that way. My father rented them a nice home and it’s going to be squalid by the time they get evicted.

Status: Trying to convince my father to try to end the people’s lease early since they violated the agreement by having too many people staying with them.

Monday, May 12, 2008


I realize today I may have been a little harsh on some models. I was just really irritated. People need to realize that everyone doesn’t see the world the same way they do. Things I would be embarrassed to hell to do are some of the same things other people would brag about. I get that and I understand it. I try not to hold that against people.

I’m back to sharing poetry again. Here’s a short poem I wrote over the weekend:


Written words stitched together to mend open wounds
Gaping holes haphazardly closed and seemingly forgotten
Losses that multiply and voluntarily compartmentalize
Lessons learned and passed along like unwanted presents
Paths intertwined and commingled to the point of being knotted
The ties that bound morphed in to the ties that strangled.

Status: Thinking about my last post.

Strippers Are Under-Paid

I like confessing here for some reason. When I was younger, I loved the Real World. I watched all the new seasons and everything. Pedro was my absolute favorite. I only knew him from what I saw on television, but he seemed like an amazing person. I remember how shocking his death was for me and I spent the rest of sixth grade and most of my middle school years obsessed with learning as much as I could about AIDS. Back then I honestly thought I would find a cure one day. I’m not sure when I realized I wouldn’t, but by the end of eighth grade I had given up that dream and moved on to others.

I bring up my Real World watching because I’ve watched it off and on for a long time. I’ll admit that I started being selective after a while. I usually watched the first episode or part of the first episode and then decided if I wanted to watch the season. I’m not sure why some seasons appealed to me and others didn’t but that’s just what happened. I saw the preview for this season with the clips of Joey flipping out and my need to know what the hell happened overpowered my promise not to watch this season.

I don’t watch the episodes when they originally air because I want to see the show, but not bad enough to see it instead of one of my regular shows. Anyway, I finally saw the flip out episode. Wow! I feel so bad for Joey. He’s been through hell and he has a family history of alcoholism and addiction. He randomly shares bits of information about his past and it seems like each detail is worse than the one before it. I’m happy he’s finally getting the help he needs and I’m happy that something good is going to come out of his time on the show, but I had a good laugh when the producers were telling him how much they cared about him. Perhaps the world has made me cynical because it’s hard for me to believe that they see Joey as more than just a character on their show. His roommates live with him, so I understand them caring but something about the way the producers spoke to him as if they had been rehearsing what to say and how to get him to stay just seemed a little artificial.

Ironically enough, it wasn’t Joey’s breakdown that stuck with me after the show. The part of the show that bothered me the most was when the two girls, Kimberly and whatever the brunette’s name is (I’m sure it will come to me eventually) were talking about strippers. I don’t like people who are so ignorant and closed off to hearing anything other than their own opinion. Yes there are strippers who do it to pay for a drug habit! But there are also strippers who do it to pay their way through college or to take care of themselves or their family. One of the women made a remark that people who strip don’t have to because they could just go work at MacDonald’s. I would never knock MacDonald’s. I may not have worked there personally but MacDonald’s and similar establishments were the first jobs of most of the people I know, but I will say that one night of stripping usually pays more than a week’s worth of full-time pay at MacDonald’s.

I’m not a stripper and I don’t know any strippers but I’m one of those people who try not to judge others too harshly when I’ve never been in their shoes. If I fell on hard times and I needed some quick money I could turn to my family and they would be there in a heartbeat, but everyone doesn’t have that, and then some people are too proud to ask for help. Whatever the reason, stripping is legal so I don’t have a problem with it. I think everyone would rather have someone become a stripper than have that same person trying to rob them for their money.

I always find it amusing how most people who completely hate strippers for taking their clothes off for money have no problem with models who often do the same thing. Most people would be ready to fight because how dare you compare the two, but I say why not? What, because one is done in some seedy location and the other is done to sell products it’s different? I try to look at it from the perspective that both strippers and some models take their clothes off for money. Both groups are making a living by selling their bodies, but one is seen as degrading while the other is seen as glamorous. I get that strippers dance and gyrate half naked and have to deal with customers with wandering hands, but when you put it that way, it kind of seems like the strippers should be making more than the models because the strippers work a hell of a lot harder and in far worse conditions.

I don’t know. I’m tired and I’m typing, that can’t be a good combination. I apologize to all the people who are undoubtedly offended by me making a correlation between strippers and models, and yes I’m smart enough to know that they are two completely different professions. My point, which was probably lost in my rambling, is that it’s often a matter of perspective.

Dirty Little Secret: I would strip one time if I had that device from Men In Black that would let me erase the memories of everyone there because I couldn’t face my parents if they ever found out. (If I followed my stripping by auditioning for American Idol, I could be the next David Hernandez. Sorry, I had to say it.)

Status: Accepting that even on my snobbiest day I’m still a tad bit too liberal.

Friday, May 9, 2008

When I Was Your Age, I Bought A 23 Cent Large One Topping Pizza

So I went out and stood in line for an hour and a half to get my 23 cent pizza. I didn’t do it to support LeBron, I did it because it is probably going to be one of those once in a lifetime opportunities for me. I bought a 23 cent pizza! Who can say that (besides the thousands of people who waited in lines across Ohio yesterday)? I’m 24 and when I was 12, a slice of pizza was 75 cents so I paid less for a large one topping pizza in 2008 than I did for one slice of pizza in 1996. Since the money was all supposed to go to charity, I gave a dollar and let them keep the change and before you knock my extra 77 cent donation, keep in mind that most people just paid 23 cents and left it at that.

I was lucky though because I picked the right Papa John’s to go to. Some people waited in line for over three hours. I would never have been one of those people. The longest I’ve ever waited in line was 5 hours to audition for Deal or No Deal and I only waited on that line because if you get picked for the show then you’re guaranteed money. I realize that my chances were slim to none, but I tried anyway. So back to the pizza, I would have drawn the line at two hours. I guess that makes me a bad Cleveland Cavaliers fan, then again some people saw the lines and kept going because paying 23 cents for a pizza wasn’t worth over an hour of their time. Let me explain my rationale for waiting: When I order a pizza, it usually takes about an hour to get to my house anyway, so I figured as long as I wasn’t waiting 2 hours, it was worth it. Plus I didn’t do it for the savings I did it just to be able to say I did it.

I’m happy I did it though because I was at a nice location with friendly people in the line and natural order, unlike some other locations where police had to be called to maintain order. Then again I guess my line probably would have gotten testy too if we had to wait over two hours.

Some people in line were talking about feeling bad for Papa John’s because it was losing so much money. I had to bite my tongue. Papa John’s was not hurt at all by giving away pizzas yesterday. If anything it may have been helped! It was a great marketing ploy if you ask me. A few people on the line had never had Papa John’s before and were looking forward to trying it. They said if they liked it, they would buy from them again. So Papa John’s was able to con all of us idiots in to giving them money to donate to charity and be able to write off the loss of the day. I’d say Papa John’s did pretty well for itself. The only people who lost yesterday were the businesses and the people who lived near a Papa John’s location that had the special because traffic was a nightmare.

I took my pizza home and ate a couple of slices before the game started, then I watched the Cav’s game. The Cavs lost, so my pizza was the only good thing that came out of yesterday and I’m sure none of this matters to people outside of Ohio, but it was a day I’d like to remember so I decided to write about it.

Status: Thinking about yesterday.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

There's A Theme

I was feeling nostalgic today so I watched the video for one of my favorite songs. The song always makes me remember that I should be grateful for many of the things I take for granted. You should never assume that the people you love are going to be there tomorrow for you to apologize to them for the things you did today.

That said, here’s one of my favorite “live life to the fullest because tomorrow isn’t promised” songs.

Tim McGraw Live Like You Were Dying

I’m in a video sharing mood, so after I got over my “tomorrow isn’t promised” mindset, I ended up listening to this song a few times. It’s an old song at this point but it was like my theme song today.

Colbie Caillat Realize

Status: Having my own realizations.

Monday, May 5, 2008

23 Cent Pizza!!!!!

I would like to personally thank the Washington Wizards’ fans for wearing those 23 Crybaby shirts with the Papa Johns logo on them. It was truly a class act and a much appreciated gesture. I didn’t even notice the shirts, but the right people did and thanks to those Wizards’ fans I will be enjoying a nice 23 cent large one topping pizza on Thursday.

When I first heard the news I thought it was a joke so I called my local Papa Johns and they confirmed the story. I can’t wait until Thursday! The Washington Wizards are far too kind. First they allow us to make it past the first round of the playoffs, which I thought was a great gift, but now, to be the reason why I will be able to purchase a large pizza for 23 cents, well that’s just going over and beyond the call of duty.

I know Papa Johns is just using this as a marketing opportunity, but I don’t care. I’m excited. I never thought I’d be able to buy a whole pizza for 23 cents. I can’t even buy a piece of candy for that anymore.

On a different note, I was so excited about my job interview today but then I got there and heard the information and I thought those people had lost their minds. The salary was laughable and borderline insulting, and no where near what it should be for the position. The job details were nothing like what they said in the classifieds. I hate when people don’t advertise correctly.

Status: Thinking about my 23 cent pizza.

Sunday, May 4, 2008


I was so tired today. At certain points I thought I might pass out. I didn’t do anything special yesterday that explains why I’m so exhausted. This happens from time to time. I was hoping to get some writing done, but I think I’m going to be headed to bed early.

I have an interview tomorrow morning! I hope I wake up with some energy.

Status: Trying to keep my eyes open.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Wal-Mart Anyone?

I used to go to Wal-mart all the time. In fact, my first job was at Wal-mart. As I got older I started going less and less until I was eventually only going to Wal-mart about four times a year. I didn’t stop going for any political reason, I knew about their questionable practices and experienced their mistreatment of employees first hand, but that wasn’t on my mind when I stopped going. It was just something I stopped doing.

I heard that a 24-hour Wal-mart Supercenter was being built near me and things started to change. Suddenly I was going to my old Wal-mart (which is roughly 8 minutes away from me) about once a month to pick up something. It was always something small, usually one item, maybe two. Then the Supercenter opened and it’s about 10 minutes away from me (because I live right off the freeway). I said I wasn’t going to be there during its grand opening but I lied. I was there the first weekend, buying a bag of gum and walking around the new store. Now I have been to both Wal-marts quite a few times this year. I went to the old Wal-mart two weekends ago and I went to the Supercenter today.

The irony is that I don’t like Wal-mart. Granted most of the time when I go to Wal-mart it’s because someone else wants me to go with them, but still, I shouldn’t be going to a place I don’t like as often as I’ve been going. I feel guilty for going there and patronizing the store. I realize my typical $5 or less purchase isn’t putting any real money in Wal-mart’s pockets, but I don’t want to give the company anything.

I know this is a phase because I go through phases with everything, but I can’t wait until this phase is over. I’m tired of seeing the inside of Wal-mart stores. The rational part of me says don’t go, but the people pleaser in me doesn’t want to force someone to go alone because shopping alone is usually no fun. I need to find a way to get people to stop asking me to go to Wal-mart with them.

Status: Afraid of developing a liking for Wal-mart.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Me Time

The weather was horrible today. It was cloudy and depressing and as if that wasn’t bad enough, there was thunder and lightning and heavy rain at random times. I’m not a fan of rain or storms of any kind for that matter. I spent most of the day writing and enjoying some personal time. I rarely get personal time. It seems other people are always making plans with my time, and when they don’t, I do. I should give myself personal time more often because it was great to relax.

I got a lot of writing done and that made me start thinking about the updates I still haven’t posted. I am definitely posting the Science for Us update this weekend because I promised it would be out in about a week and a week was yesterday so I need to put it up soon so it kind of makes the deadline.

I really don’t have much to say. I think everyone deserves a day off to just relax and fill their time with activities they enjoy. Today was positively amazing so far, but I don’t know how tonight will be because I plan on watching the Cavs game and that can go either way. I try not to be too emotional about the games, but I’ll admit that the last one really got to me. They had the game won and gave it back.

Status: In good spirits.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Feels Good

I had a great day today! I spent some time with the family, sent out another writing sample, was called for a second interview for a job that slightly interests me, made an amazing soup and still had time to get some writing done and work. I’m not sure how I crammed so much in my day, and I’m grateful for this short break before I go back to work.

I think my poetry is too simplistic, but I like simple things. I say that because I’m going to torture you with yet another poem. What can I say? I feel like sharing this week.

The Elephant

I watched helplessly as you pulled the curtain and exposed the elephant in the room
We both knew it was there,
But I was content with pretending we were alone
I told you that in a futile attempt to stop you
You ignored me, forced me to face it
“I’m not in love with you”
Six tiny daggers struck my heart
You didn’t have to say those words
You could have told me lies
Honestly, I preferred your insincere kisses to your intolerable truths
You gave me less and I never once asked for more

“I’m not in love with you”
You said it again as if I hadn’t heard you the first time
My ears were trying to reverse the process and push your words back out
My body was trying to recover from the pressure of the elephant sitting in my lap
“I said I’m not in love with you”
Three times was three times too many
I wanted to tell you I didn’t care
But what I wanted was irrelevant

I had known for a while that you were unsatisfied
I thought I could hold on long enough for you to change your mind
It wasn’t fair of me to keep you from moving on
To guilt you in to staying a little longer,
It wasn’t fair
That’s why I deserved the numbness in my heart
Put there by your admission of a fact we both already knew
The room seemed empty despite the elephant,
Barren with no more secrets

Our hollow relationship was seeping in to the air
And we were moving further away with each moment of silence
I could have said nothing and allowed you the freedom you needed
But I wanted to mend the hole in my heart, so I did the unthinkable
I said those words that always made you stay
And watched you bite your tongue and acquiesce to my trump card,
There was a flash of pain in your eyes
That appeared as I reminded you of the reason why you couldn’t leave
I knew I had won again,
You quietly returned the elephant to its place behind the curtain.

Status: Surprisingly not tired at all.