My Green-Eyed Monster Doesn’t Come Out To Play Very Often

So I was talking to a family member today and we got on the topic of my high school friends and what they’re doing now. The person made the comment, “How does it feel that they all passed you by?” I knew exactly what the person meant, but I asked just to be sure and they quickly clarified, “Most of them have their Master’s or are in grad school for something.” I answered them honestly and told them, “I’ve never thought of it that way. Pass you by implies that we were in a race or competition with each other, and I’m not in competition with any of them. I’m happy for all of them. If I wanted my Master’s I would have it, but it wasn’t something I wanted. They did and they went after it. What kind of friend would I be if I looked at them and saw that as them passing me by?”

I know I can be overly sensitive sometimes, but the comment rubbed me the wrong way because I knew the person who asked it well enough to know how they meant it. They thought I should be jealous of my friends, but how can I be jealous of someone for doing something I didn’t want to do? It’s not like my family loves them more than me or something of that nature that warrants jealousy. Their education is not a threat to me. I’m secure enough with my own intelligence to not be insecure because someone has more degrees than I do. I love them, so it makes me feel good that they went further than I did and they continued when I threw in the towel and said I was done. Most of my good friends from college, stopped at a Bachelor’s degree like I did and part of me wishes at least one of them would go back, because they’re always talking about it.

I don’t talk about going back to school. It’s not something I want to do at this time in my life, and personally, I’m sick and tired of family members telling me that I should go back to school because I’m so intelligent. Does not having a graduate degree of some kind make me less intelligent? I know that’s not what they mean, or at least I think that’s not what they mean to imply, but sometimes that’s what I hear. It’s like they’re saying I’m too smart not to be in grad school. I like to believe I have the right to disagree with them and better than that, I shouldn’t let them force me to do something that I am not interested in doing. There is a long list of reasons why I don’t want to continue with my higher education, some have to do with money, some are psychological but most (at this time) are emotional.

Yes, I realize I graduated college before all of my friends, but that means nothing to me and I downplay it as much as I can in the same way that I downplay the college I went to because people make too many assumptions when they hear an Ivy League name. The family member who I was speaking with thought that I should feel bad because I finished college before them, but they’re now further along in terms of education, than I am. Perhaps the average person does think like that, but I don’t. I’ve never worried about keeping up with my friends or relatives or living my life to fit in with theirs. Honestly I think my friends love me because I’m a little crazy and a lot of weird combined with a lot of love. I hope they know I want what’s best for them and it doesn’t matter to me if I don’t have as much money as some of them or as many degrees as some of them or a love life like some of them because I’m too busy at the moment being happy for them and living vicariously through them. Maybe when I get a real life of my own again, I will see the light and suddenly be envious of all that they have, but I doubt it, because I’ve had a real life before and when I did have one, I was too focused on living it to worry about what might have been missing.

What my family member said, just reminded me that there are people out there who pretend to be happy for your successes but really aren’t. I hope I never become one of those people.

Emotional status: Unsure.