As The Clouds Roll In

Today was not a good day. I woke up feeling okay but that feeling quickly gave way to overwhelming feelings of sadness and inadequacy. It didn’t help that it was a dreary cloudy day with intermittent rain and sporadic lightning. It set in that I wasn’t working but the happiness from yesterday did not return. I sent out about five resumes today. I probably shouldn’t have done that, considering my mood, but I did anyway. Today was one of those days when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and pretend I didn’t exist. I can’t believe I quit my job.

I doubted every decision today. The one I doubted the most was my talent as a writer. I’m afraid I’ll always write for myself. I don’t know if I’ll be successful as a writer or even if I can be. Most days I’m confident that I will be, but then there are days like today when I wonder how I was ever dumb enough to believe I have any talent. Writing is something I’ll always do, talent or no talent, but I prefer the days when I think I have some to the days like this when I fear I have none.

It’s frustrating when I have bad days. I can’t really blame anything in particular. I had a great day yesterday and then came this emotional heartache and confusion today. I’m a little better at this point, but that’s because I’m trying to work my way though it and remind myself of good things and happy times and my plans for tomorrow.

Writing this has actually helped some. I like putting it out there and releasing the thoughts that have echoed through my mind all day. I have to be worth more than I think I am at the moment and I know I’ll read this tomorrow and be my “I’m going to be a writer” self all over again. I just hope this regret for quitting a job I hated does not continue.

I have a new story I’ve been thinking about posting so I may read that again and make a final decision as to whether to post it or not. Hopefully that will give me an additional emotional boost.

Emotional status: An emotional wreck and not sure why. I guess this is the fall that I predicted. I should have known I couldn’t make it a full week.