2011 Here I Come

I’m publishing this with the hopes that it will force me to do it. Plus I'm bored.

Things to Do before January 1, 2011:

1) Post all of Not Quite Ashes
2) Update Places to Heal
3) Update my website
4) Get organized…again

Oh, and the Cavs finally woke up and won another game. Yay!

Hollyoaks, I love you!...Again

Hollyoaks has a new gay couple! I’m excited and upset at the same time. They are certainly no McDean, but they do bring the drama. It’s an abusive relationship, which is really tugging at my heart. I hate that Ste is staying and that he can’t really get away. I do want to see how the story unfolds though.

There is definitely a nice dynamic that Ste used to beat on Amy and now Ste is allowing someone to do the same to him and Amy is trying to be the voice of reason and tell Ste to get out of the relationship before it gets too bad.

It seems violent relationships always escalate. I guess both parties become more comfortable with the abuse so it becomes more routine. The mind games are ridiculous and the trick of finding the right person is interesting. How do you know that someone will let you abuse them?

Anyway, I saw one scene and felt like writing a poem about it:


Without Concessions

How dare you ask me for that!
Who do I look like?
I’m not some fool, if that’s what you think
I won’t part with it.
It’s mine.

If I give it to you, I might never get it back
Therefore, I refuse to let it go
I won’t let you own me
So I’m sorry,
But I can’t let you take that thing that belongs to me.

I’m keeping what’s mine
You keep what’s yours.

Another Day...

I have finally started working on my website again. It seems like I haven’t touched it in forever. Ssh. I know it seemed that way because it was that way.

I feel somewhat adjusted to being a teacher. It’s an interesting profession. I wish I could be happy about it though, but it feels more like a job I kinda like and got stuck doing rather than a job I’m passionate about. How many people get to be passionate about what they do? I would say very few. I’m selfish though because my goal is to be one of those few.

Status: Dreaming big.

A Losing Weekend

OSU and the Brownies lost. I pretty much expected both losses so I’m okay. Here’s a random poem:


Rose Colored Glasses

We took a trip down an old path
And saw some things we didn’t like
There were glass houses that had been shattered
And homes with open doors
There were patches of brown grass and overgrown weeds
Ruled and governed by dandelions
We saw those things and understood
The path had not been manicured
It stood as it was with no apologies
And no fresh coats of paint
The old path was worth the visit
But we left it there, unchanged
And walked back to the main road.

My review of the A-List New York

I just finished watching the first episode of The A-List New York. It’s not a show I’ll watch every week, but I could see myself checking in on the show from time to time. I love Reichen. I’ve loved him since the Amazing Race. He’s the only familiar face (besides the cameos) that I knew on the show. Of course, I’m not in New York and I’m nowhere near the A-List so that shouldn’t be a surprise.

I do think it’s ironic that Reichen thinks honesty is really important in a relationship, yet he said “Yes. I do,” when Rodiney asked him if he loved him then he told the camera that he liked Rodiney but he didn’t love him yet. I know lots of people lie to keep the peace, but I have never lied and told someone that I loved them when I didn’t. If I say it, then I mean it and it’s true.

That said, omg, Rodiney and Reichen naked together was too much. Ooh, la la. Reichen and Rodiney both have amazing bodies, but I’m not shallow…I’m just appreciative.

I will have to check in on the show again because it is clear Austin is in the show to bring the drama.

Status: Watching episode two. :-D. Please don’t judge.

Justice B. Hill, Please Stop...Thank You

I decided to take a minute and post today because I’m trying to post more regularly. I saw an article on Yahoo today that really pissed me off. The article made it seem like everyone in Cleveland is still upset that LeBron left. I’d just like to send a memo to the writer: Justice B. Hill. That news has come and gone and most Clevelanders have moved on. We may crack jokes about LeBron and take a couple pot shots, but who wouldn’t given the circumstances?

I’m from a suburb of Cleveland, but I consider myself a Clevelander through and through. Cleveland has always been a show and tell type of town. Don’t say you love the Cavs and not know that Austin Carr was once a Cavalier. Don’t say you love the Browns if you only know the name of one player on the team. Don’t say you love the Indians if you don’t rejoice when you see them listed anywhere other than the cellar and if don’t know what the cellar is then you clearly don’t love the Indians. Don’t say you know this town’s history of heartbreaks and blah, blah, blah then go on national tv and tell the town to go screw itself.

Clevelanders are the type of fans who wear their hearts on their sleeves and wait until they can be properly crushed by some local celebrity or dumb general manager. Our hearts don’t stay crushed though. We pick up the pieces, dust them off, tape our hearts back together, hold them back out and wait patiently until it’s time to repeat. We’re resilient that way. Nothing completely breaks us and that includes losing a player who clearly didn’t want to be here.

If you want to talk about something, Justice B. Hill, then talk about something that is news worthy and stop recycling the same old stale story.

Oh yeah, I do have a website

I’m slow sometimes. I was reading my last post and I realized that I am an idiot. I have a website: www.lustyville.com ! Maybe I should actually work on it. I could put my men on that site and have some of my stories and poems there. It would fit with the type of writing I do and it would be convenient. The only problem is that now I actually do need to figure out how to make certain changes to the website. I wish I was good with computers.

I’m in the mood to post another poem:

It’s Me, Not You

I had a dream that you held my hand and said you needed me.
I realized I was unprepared.
So, I’m walking away while I still have control.

Some people are built to be needed
They grow strong under the pressure of outstretched hands
I wish I could be like them
But pressure weighs me down.

Don’t misunderstand,
I’m not saying it’s your fault for trying to lean on me
I’m saying it’s my fault for not letting you.


Status: Ready to do some grading then take a look at my website.

Thoughts in my Head

I’m trying to post more often again. I’m feeling good today. I thought today would be long and tiresome because last Friday ended on a bad note, but I was wrong. Today was good. I had a lot of nice surprises, including some unexpected free time.

I keep saying that I’m going to start submitting my stories to places, but I still haven’t taken any real action. With the exception of Lucas and Lionel, I haven’t done much outside of my group and Nifty. I know I need to change that. I really have to put forth the effort to get my name out there.

I’ve been debating on joining authonomy. It looks like an interesting site. I think Starving for Love might be a good fit for that site.

I was reading the last chapter of Bump This and I know I need to post it and get it over with, but I’ve been a bit hesitant. I’m still debating on making changes.

In other news, my Brownies (Cleveland Browns) lost again over the weekend, but my Bucks (The Ohio State Buckeyes) won. It was a weekend that went pretty much as expected. I am a bit surprised that OSU is holding steady at number 2. I know they haven’t lost yet, but in all honesty, who have they really played? If they had lost any of their games so far, I would be shaking my head in disbelief. Pryor is looking good though. I hope he can keep it up against the tougher teams.

I’m debating on starting a website devoted to the men in my life (aka men from television, stories and movies). I know that’s a little pathetic sounding, but I really need an outlet now that one of my favorite columns has bid me farewell. Plus, everyone needs to know what McDean Day is. Lol. I loved those boys.

Status: Cheery-o.

Here we go again

I need to work on being more focused. I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish before this time next year. I’m working on a few different ventures but I know I need to slow down and devote my attention to one or two things. Anyway, it’s random poem day.


Mama Said

Somewhere between whispers and tears lies what’s left of us
My mother predicted this was where we would be
She said you didn’t have it in you to stay mine forever
I should have believed her
She always wanted the best for me
And she never hesitated to tell me when I was falling short
Like that day, before I committed to you,
She told me I would regret my decision
She said she wished things would work out for us,
But she felt in her heart that I loved you more
Maybe she saw it, too.
Whatever the case, the rumors started about a year later
Yesterday, I caught you
You were somewhere between mine and his
When you should have been mine.
My mother warned me about you
I should have listened to what my mama said.

Goodbye Reid and GOOL and hello Ste.

This day has been full of surprises but most of them haven’t been good. I had an interesting day at work. Most of my students have fallen in line, but I have one class that is trying its hardest to rebel.

I was over at After Elton today and I read that one of the actors from Beautiful Thing (the guy who played Ste), is going to join Hollyoaks. I may have to actually watch a couple of episodes and see how the new gay storyline is. I can’t believe Beautiful Thing was released in 1996. Seeing the year was a wtf moment. 1996! Are you kidding me? That movie is that old? I remember the first time I saw it. I was in a room by myself. It was late at night and I was scared that someone would come in and catch me watching the movie. It must have been on IFC because that was how I got my gay movie fix back in the day. There are moments in that movie that I will never forget. I remember certain scenes quite vividly. I especially remember feeling the sexual tension between Ste and Jamie when Jamie was putting the ointment on Ste’s back. It was sweet and innocent and there was nothing romantic about it yet I there was something about Jamie’s tenderness and the way Ste let his guard down.

Anyway, I’m sad. Not because I realized I was in middle school when the movie was released or because the guy who played Ste is all grown up now, but because As the World Turns killed off Reid last week and is killing the show this week and to top it off, I went to After Elton, after a hard week of teaching, in hopes of reading Gays of Our Lives and reading what all of my favorite men have been up to this week and what they will be up to next week. Turns out this is pretty much the last week of Gays of Our Lives. That sucks. I read the reasoning, and I understand, but that doesn’t mean I agree with the decision. I know I shouldn’t be complaining. I’ll continue watching my men on YouTube and other sites, but I was a little bit addicted to checking GOOL at some point during the week and I don’t like losing pieces of my routine.

I know I’m overreacting about GOOL. I always watch my favorite couples on YouTube first so it shouldn’t be a big deal that Anthony is going to discontinue his column, but for some reason that hit me hard.

Status: Thinking I should be frustrated and upset and wondering why I’m feeling a sense of loss over things that shouldn’t matter.

Back again

I’m not sure why, but I’m posting today. I am now, officially a teacher! I really like it, but there’s still that nagging voice in the back of my head that wishes I could be a full-time writer. I’m usually the happiest when I have just finished writing something. Maybe that’s why I’m posting. I’ve said it before, but I love being tormented by a story and having to get the story out before I can have peace from it. I really, really, really like teaching, but I LOVE writing. Writing never feels like a job. When I’m writing, I don’t look at the clock and count down the minutes until I have to do something else (not that I do that with teaching). When I’m writing, I look at the clock and wish for more time. I easily lose track of time when I’m engrossed in writing, especially when I don’t have something else scheduled.

Anyway, it’s random poem time again. Here’s a short one:

In Sight
I wonder if he knows that I see him
I see it all
I see the way that shirt brings out his eyes and makes his hair look darker
I see the way he smiles…at her
I don’t close my eyes to spare myself
I face it, head on
I look at him and I accept all that I see
His heart will never be open to someone like me.

Thanks LeBron for Bringing me Back to Blogging…aka My Two Cents on "The Decision"

(AP Photo/Mark Duncan)

I am sick and tired of hearing about LeBron James! Please stop it already. “The Decision” was days ago, which means the World News and CNN no longer need to mention it, yet they still do. I haven’t blogged in forever, but my annoyance has finally reached a boiling point and I need some where to vent.

If you have ever read my blog before, then you know that I am a fan of the Cavs, not LeBron. I vaguely remember watching Mark Price on television. My favorite Cavalier of all time is and always has been Bobby Sura (even though he started going by Bob Sura after he left the Cavs). I loved Bobby Sura. I have never watched more Cav games then when Bobby was playing for us. Don’t get me wrong, I watch the Cavs randomly during the season, and I definitely try to watch most of their playoff games, but I haven’t been madly in love with them since Sura left. I rarely missed watching a game when Sura was playing. I’d miss my favorite tv show (because this was pre-DVR) just to watch the Cavs.

This is not a knock against LeBron, I’m just making the point that everyone is acting like all Clevelanders worshipped the man and I for one, did not. Did I appreciate his talents? Of course! Was I happy that my home team had the person who everyone was calling the best basketball player in the world? Uh, yeah! Did I ever buy a LeBron jersey or a Witness t-shirt or poster? Hell no! All that garbage is a waste of money. Would I have accepted a LeBron jersey or a Witness t-shirt if it was given to me? Of course, who doesn’t love free stuff? But I probably wouldn’t have worn it in public. I’m just not in to that kind of stuff. I do have some Cavs gear though. I have an old Cavs t-shirt from the Bobby Sura era that I wear from time to time. I have more Indians t-shirts than anything and a couple of Browns shirts that I rarely ever wear.

Anyway, I’m getting off topic. I started this to say that everyone in Cleveland is not pissed at LeBron. I’m the first to admit that I thought his one-hour special was classless, but I wasn’t surprised. It’s what I expected from him. Some people in Cleveland had too much faith in him and obviously haven’t been listening to him over the years. These people thought there was no way in hell he would go on national television, with a special named, “The Decision,” and not pick his hometown. What kind of heartless bastard does that?

I tried to warn people. I thought he was leaving all summer, but I really started to believe it as we got closer to “The Decision.” The biggest hint that every Cleveland fan should have gotten was the location of the special. I heard it was in Greenwich and I knew I was right that he was gone. I warned people that he was doing it there because he wasn’t staying. Everyone likes to point out that he is a home town boy. That was why he didn’t do it here. He knew some idiotic fans would lose control of themselves and he would be in danger. He knew that if he made the announcement here, it would take police in riot gear to hold back the angry fans who wanted a piece of him as he was trying to leave. Getting out of dodge was the only smart thing about the set up for the Decision.

The next big hint was when it was announced that Bosh had agreed to go to Miami with Wade. For me, the writing was on the wall and it was in all caps: LEBRON JAMES IS LEAVING THE CAVALIERS. I still say LeBron’s camp released the “rumor” that he was going to Miami to kind of soften the blow for Cleveland fans. We spent all day knowing he was gone, then he said it and it was official. I am not upset with him for leaving. He didn’t want to play for Cleveland, he probably never did. He said what the fans wanted to hear so that he could get paid and be loved by the city. “I know the city’s history.” “I’m going to bring a championship to this city.” “This is my family.” Lol. Funny, because I just saw footage of him saying the exact same thing to the Miami fans.

I hope he gets his ring but I seriously doubt that Miami will get a ring for each of the next six years. These three guys just challenged the manhood of all the other NBA Players. They have essentially said that because the three of them are on the same team, they are unbeatable. Um, I bet there are a lot of players itching to prove them wrong. Of course they will be hard to beat depending on how they round out the team, but no team is unbeatable, or better yet, if they are unbeatable, another owner is just going to clear his roster and find three superstars to sign on with his team. Either way, it won’t be a six year free pass.

While I’m ranting, there’s something else I want to address. Many of the Cavs players who are “overpaid” are overpaid because LeBron didn’t want them gone so Gilbert spent whatever he had to in order to keep them. If you live in Cleveland then you know it’s true because you’ve seen it play out. Gilbert wrote that venomous email because LeBron messed with his money. I’m not naïve enough to believe Gilbert did it because he felt the pain of the Championship drought in Cleveland. I know he was pissed off because LeBron didn’t give him the heads up (and sorry LeBron fans, but having one of your boys call your former boss and tell him your decision a few minutes into your hour long special, is not giving someone the heads up).

Another thing that has shocked me is that some Cleveland fans seem genuinely surprised by the size of LeBron’s ego. I wasn’t surprised at all when he started saying “I, I, I” that’s what he normally does and just like normal, towards the end of the interview he thought about what he had been saying and how condescending it might have sounded and he added in “myself and my teammates” with the hope that would be the snippet people used when discussing his comments about Cleveland. People should have gotten the hint after he stormed out when he lost to Orlando and later defended his actions by saying, “I’m a winner,” um, okay.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not upset with LeBron. I wish him all the best, but I can’t cheer for him anymore because I’m a Cavs fan and he is now on a different team. I don’t think the Cavs are as bad as everyone is saying they are. If each player steps up and plays to their potential, I think we still have a decent team. The thing I’m looking forward to the most is that the other guys will no longer be able to take breaks from the game and stand around and watch LeBron: they have to create their own plays now. I remember a time when Detroit’s team was rather successful without a true superstar on the roster so I have my fingers crossed that we can at least be respectable. The good news is that I will no longer have to watch LeBron stand at the top of the key and hold the ball for a long time before finally taking a shot. The people of Miami will now get that privilege. Unlike Gilbert, I’m not promising a highly unlikely championship. Though it would be funny as hell if we got one before LeBron, I can’t bring myself to actually see that happening. I just want us to be competitive.

Go Cavs!