Wally Szczerbiak Has a Nice Ass. There, I Said It!

I went to see the Cavs game last night (Cleveland Cavaliers vs. LA Clippers). I am sad to report that I am apparently not a true fan because I did not enjoy myself. Maybe my years or dare I say, decades, of watching basketball games on television has corrupted me or maybe my dislike for large groups of people and heavy traffic ruined the night before it began. Whatever the case, I sat in my seat with every intention of enjoying the game.

I’d like to take a moment here to say that, for the record, seats matter. I was almost as far up as you can be. I mean I couldn’t complain because the tickets were given to me, but still, my seat also played a role in my dissatisfaction. When you’re as high up as I was, you don’t really see faces on the court well. You see the warm ups and the shape of the player and you know who you’re looking at, but it wasn’t a special experience for me. I mean I saw a big bald head and was like oh Z is back, then I saw a mop of wild hair, oh there’s Varejao, then I saw little thing 1 and little thing 2, aka Daniel “Booby” Gibson and Mo Williams. Little thing 1 and little thing 2 are my personal nicknames for them inspired by Dr. Seuss, their small size and the irony of their jersey numbers. It’s funny how Daniel and Mo look so small on the court but tower over me in real life. Anyway, I saw them all and watched LeBron do his little powder thing, ooh exciting, I know.

The game started off on the wrong note. The guy next to me decided he wanted to sing the National Anthem with the children's choir. It’s bad enough when you sing along and you have a good voice, but this guy couldn’t sing. Once the game started, I realized that I had the great misfortune of sitting near an idiot. There was a woman behind me yelling at the players and trying to tell them what to do. If I was a more confrontational type of person, I would have turned around and said, ‘Look lady, they can’t hear you, so shut up!’ The irony is that she wasn’t the only person doing it. There was a child yelling at the players and telling them to shoot and steal the ball, but for some reason, I just found the child’s voice amusing. Every time the little boy said something, I smiled and wondered if he actually thought they heard him. The lesson here: some things are only cute when children do them.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with people yelling out things like, “oh man!” or things of that nature, but the lady was abusing the privilege. I confess that I sometimes say things to the television when I’m at home. Obviously the players can’t hear me and thankfully the television has never responded to me.

On a side note, about halfway through the first quarter I noticed Wally’s ass. I mean the rest of the players on the court had butts, but Wally had an ass. I’m not an ass man or something, I mean I don’t have a thing for butts, I’m just saying that Wally has a really nice one. I admit that I was distracted by it for a few seconds after I noticed it. At one point I realized that my eyes had followed Wally’s ass up and down the court a few times without paying attention to the ball. That realization made me laugh to myself. I mean I noticed on television that Wally was a thick guy, you know and well yeah, but the television cameras don’t follow Wally’s ass down the court, so I never had a chance to properly assess the situation (hehe).

I couldn’t be Wally’s teammate. I think I would slap his ass too much. I’d be like, “Hey Wally, what’s up?” (slap his ass), he’d miss a shot and I’d run over to him, “It’s okay Wally” (slap his ass), we’d be finishing a time out and I’d be like, “Let’s go get them, Wally,” (slap his ass). I mean I’d do it so much that things could only work out one of two ways: 1. I would get tired of putting in overtime just to slap his ass so I would start treating his ass just like everyone else’s (pun intended) or 2. He would notice the extra special treatment and say something about it.

I think our conversation would go something like this:

Wally: Um dude, I need to talk to you about something.
Me: Okay.
Wally: I don’t know how to say this so I’m just going to put it out there. I feel like you slap me on my ass a lot. I mean I know we all do it, but sometimes it seems like you go out of your way to slap me on my ass, and don’t take this the wrong way, but sometimes it even feels like you’re giving me a little squeeze.
Me (playing dumb): Really?
Wally: Yeah.
Me: Well man I didn’t know it was bothering you. I just like playing with your ass, (then I’d look at his face to see if I could get a reaction out of him) but I’ll stop.
Wally: Thanks.
Me: Hey, no problem, if you don’t want me tapping that ass, I won’t do it. (Then I would give him a cheesy grin and laugh like it was a joke.) So is that all you wanted to talk to me about?
Wally: Um yeah.
Me: We still cool?
Wally: Of course.
Then we’d do the man hug and I’d slap his ass as we pulled back then raise my arms and act innocent.
Me: Sorry, force of habit.

Yes, I put some thought in to what would happen. I have a vivid imagination, so sue me.

I couldn't find a picture that did Wally's ass justice, so I decided to just post a nice picture of him.




Back to my rant:

Another thing I hated about the game was that I couldn’t move unless I said excuse me. I don’t like making other people have to stand just so I can move. I’d rather watch the game from home. I love the commentary, I love the way the game looks so much faster on television than it does in real life and I love the fact that I don’t have to deal with other people when I’m at home. That said, I would go to a Cavs game again, but I would have to have decent seats. I wouldn’t even take free tickets if it meant I had to sit where I was sitting last night.

I left before the game ended because I didn’t want to have to deal with the traffic. Now I can’t help but wonder what kind of fan am I? A true fan would be happy to be there and wouldn’t care where they were seated. A true fan wouldn’t bitch and moan about the traffic. A true fan would stay until the bitter end. So what does that make me?

Status: Relinquishing my status as a true Cavs fan.

Ted Haggard Stands Back Up

Okay, so before I say anything, I’m going to admit that I did not watch the actual interview. To be honest, I had no interest in watching the interview. I saw a clip of Ted Haggard on Oprah on CNN. In the clip, Ted was explaining that he wasn’t sure if he was gay or bisexual or what so he asked his therapist. Um, I hate to be the one to break it to him, but your therapist can’t answer a question like that for you. Only you know what you think and how you feel. You can describe the difference for you in terms of being with a man or a woman, but you can’t capture the actual feeling. Only you know which you prefer or don’t prefer, if you prefer one at all. I’m not one of those people who believe that every man who has sex with another man is gay. Some people really do enjoy being with both sexes and some people really don’t care who they’re with as long as it is a warm body. I don’t know what his deal is. I have theories, but I don’t know the man so I can’t confirm my theories.

I, personally, could care less about him in terms of whether he can salvage some sort of career for himself, but I am glad to see that he is getting back out in to the public eye because it’s a good example of always getting back up no matter what life throws your way. I mean if he can stand back up after having his deepest darkest secrets exposed on a national level, there is no excuse for any of the rest of us to ever hide our faces.

Speaking of God and gay people, I watched Prayers for Bobby over the weekend. I knew it was going to break my heart and it did. It was such a sad story, made only worse by the fact that it was true. It was a good movie though and obviously my heart goes out to the Griffith family because no one deserves to lose someone that way.

Status: Eagerly waiting for the day when a single (as in unmarried) preacher will be caught with a man and drugs and the scandalous part will be the drugs.

A Warning to Those Who Cheat

I feel like it has been a little while since I shared a poem. It probably hasn’t, but whatever.

Three

Three hours before this moment,
I was betraying the one I love.

As the moment unfolds,
My heart struggles to beat,
Fighting against the urge to stop
My lungs fill with air,
Reminding me to breathe
My eyes dart towards the one who shares my guilt
Hoping to not be seen
My lips begin to expand
Smiling as an involuntary response
My brain fires signals
Making me turn towards the one I love.

In the moment,
The one I love is holding my hand,
Waiting for my response
My voice is muted by the question,
“Do you two know each other?”
My body trembles as the answer becomes clear.

Three hours before this moment,
I was saying I would never be caught.

I squeeze the hand of the one I love,
Trying to hold on to what I am about to lose
My first instinct is to say no,
Preserving my innocence.
My mouth moves to begin forming the word
Then I am silenced by the one who shares my guilt
My secret lover does not wish to be secret any longer

Three hours before this moment,
I had everything I wanted.
Three seconds after it, I had nothing.

Status: Trying to remember what inspired me to write this poem.

No Homo

There is a new phrase that I have been hearing a lot that I am already tired of hearing. The new phrase is “no homo.” People say things to each other like, “I love you. No homo.” My niece has sent me several chain messages forwarded to her by friends with “no homo” on their message. If I had a friend who looked at me and said, “I love you, no homo,” we’d have a problem. Whenever my friends tell me they love me, I assume it’s ‘no homo.’ I mean my friends would have to grab me and try to tongue kiss me before I ever thought they meant they loved me in a sexual way.

Part of me is tempted to play dumb when I hear that phrase and be like “No homo? Is that short for no homo sapiens? No humans? What does that mean?” Unfortunately, I don’t want people to think that I’m a complete imbecile, so I would never say that out loud. Whoever came up with the phrase needs to claim it and take it back. What kind of friends are you if you have to specify ‘no homo’ when you tell your friend that you love them? Isn’t it implicit when dealing with friends that when you say, ‘I love you,’ it means ‘I love you like a brother/sister’ and not ‘I’m in love with you and I want you?’

Yes, sometimes friends do fall in love with each other, but you have to do something about it for it to count. You have to cross the line of friendship. You can’t simply say, ‘I love you,’ because your friend will assume you mean in the platonic way unless you clue them in otherwise, by saying, ‘I love you’ and then making a move on them.

Status: Revealing how not cool I apparently am.

A Quick Thought

Congratulations President Barack Obama!

I enjoyed today but probably not for the reason why everyone would assume. I enjoyed today because I saw so many people united and happy. It was a beautiful sight and I’m glad I was able to watch it on television. I do not know where America will be in four years. I don’t know if we will have changed for the better or for the worse, but I do know that we began this new Presidential term on the right note.

Status: Praying that America will somehow manage to stay unified.

Dr. King and Obama Want Us to Work Together

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day and all I’ve heard about all day is how far we’ve come as a nation. It’s true, we have come a long way. And yes, Barack Obama’s win does represent a great leap forward for our country, but I think we’re kidding ourselves if we think that the country will magically change after he is sworn in as president. Surprisingly enough, I’m not talking specifically about race relations. I’m referring to society as a whole. The economy will still be in the tanks, gay marriage will still be only a dream for many, kids in rural and poor urban areas will continue dropping out of school at an alarming rate, race relations will not be magically healed and we will still be at war.

I don’t say this to be a pessimist, though it may come across that way. I say this as a way of agreeing with Barack Obama that we still have much work to do. Obama’s election alone cannot and will not be the magic potion that saves our country, but his election can and should be, the catalyst that inspires us all to be better people and to strive for greater goals. I was watching television today and I saw Obama painting and it made me feel good. Obama asked people to volunteer today and he did not ask anything of the people that he was not willing to ask of himself or his wife.

I’ll admit that I’m getting a little tired of the 24/7 coverage leading up to the inauguration, but I understand why the media is doing it and I understand and appreciate the significance of his inauguration, I just hope the media and the people hear Obama’s call to action and do their part in helping America live up to its potential, as opposed to helping America continue to live down to the world’s expectations of us. We’re supposed to be the United States of America, and I hope this feeling of unification lasts longer than a couple of days.

Status: Looking forward to tomorrow.

I'm Not Liking Certain Things

I’m not sure what to write about. American Idol started again last night. It’s amusing to me that other people are becoming more and more obsessed with the show and I’m becoming less and less obsessed. The show just doesn’t have the same pull for me that it once did. I saw part of the first hour but quickly lost interest in watching. I may watch again when they get to Hollywood. I’ll definitely watch most of the episodes when they get to the final people. I’m not going to be upset if I miss an episode though.

I heard that the show is going to do more behind the scenes things this year and it’s going to have a Real World type of feel. I know my vote doesn’t count, but if it did, I would veto that decision. If I want to watch the Real World, I will turn to MTV and watch the Real World. American Idol is supposed to be a talent show and that’s what it should remain. Seeing how the people interact in the house has nothing to do with how they perform on stage. I’m really not excited at all about this change. I’ll reserve my judgment until after I see the episodes, but if they really do that, I’m not sure how many episodes I’ll watch. I have a hard enough time suffering through the extra stuff they show each season, like the commercials inside the show, but I understand that’s about the money, so I tolerate the mini-infomercials (thanks Ford), but I will not tolerate a Real World vibe.

Speaking of the Real World, I may watch it some this season because they’re in Brooklyn.

Status: Dreading the fact that tomorrow I will have to leave the warmth of my house and venture in to the deep freeze that has enveloped my region. I’m cold just thinking about it.

Where I Stood

Fourteen years ago, I saved someone’s life and I never knew it until now. The New Year has ushered in some old friends and by old friends I’m talking like friends from middle school and elementary. I always think of myself as forgettable, so it was a nice ego boost to have people remember me and make contact with me. One of the people was a person I used to talk to on the phone every night and then we went to different middle schools and stopped talking. They said talking to me kept them out of trouble when we were younger. That made my day because, I’ve said it before: I aspire to do something great with my life. In my opinion, changing someone’s life for the better, even if you’re unaware of it, is something great. I think I can probably go a few months on the good feeling I have right now. My life made a difference in someone else’s life. Where would they be without me? They don’t think it would be anywhere good because they say that if they weren’t talking to me, they would have been getting in trouble.


And now to change the subject:

I was sitting at home the other day and I heard this song and remembered how much I once loved it. So I decided to share it. This version is a live performance on Jimmy Kimmel.

Missy Higgins – Where I Stood



Status: Thinking I could have easily written the chorus to this song.

Fear of "The Gay"

While in Vegas, I overheard a lot of conversations, but there was one that really bothered me. I was eating dinner with my family and there was a large family sitting near us. I noticed a little boy, who was probably no older than 7 or 8, playing with his mother’s hair but I didn’t think anything of it so I looked away and then continued talking to my family. Anyway, a few minutes later, I heard the father tell the boy, “stop playing with mommy’s hair like that. It’s fine for you to put it in a ponytail but you can’t do what you just did. That’s something Sergio (said with a lisp) would do.” Then the father continued speaking with a lisp for a moment, “And you don’t want to be like Sergio.” The father laughed and so did the older children, but I was not amused. It made me sad to hear the father say that. It was clear what he meant.

Why do parents teach their children such things? Why make a child ashamed of something that there is nothing wrong with? Every little boy who plays with his mother’s hair does not grow up to be gay and contrary to popular belief, every male hairstylist is not gay either, much in the same way that every male ballet dancer or designer is not gay. My goodness, can people step out of the box and think for a moment! What the little boy was doing was perfectly innocent and the father made it in to something that it wasn’t.

Children should be free to express themselves and learn who they are without their parents telling them who they’re not allowed to be. Of course that statement is limited to things within reason, obviously if the boy was going around in public touching himself in an inappropriate way, I would want the parents to do something about it, but playing with mommy’s hair? Is that really so offensive? If the father would make an issue, in public, of something so minor, just imagine what he’s saying to that boy and the rest of his children when they’re at home.

I know I have no right to judge the way people raise their children, but I do have the right to have an opinion and I definitely had an opinion on this situation. I didn’t say anything to the father or to my family, but all I could think was ‘and people wonder why there’s so much intolerance in the world.’ I can’t say all, but I do believe that most people learn their intolerance at home. That man could very well believe that he is a tolerant person, and he may have a gay friend or a gay brother even, but his subtle comments are teaching his children that it is not okay.

I am well aware of the fact that everybody does not believe that homosexuality is okay, but I wonder if it possible to dislike something without making your position clear to your children. I don’t think it is, but it would be nice if it was.

Status: Understanding that Utopia is not real.

Ohio State Buckeyes and a Root Canal

I am finally back and feeling like typing. I spent a week in Vegas for my vacation. I was on an extremely tight budget, but it was nice to get away for a while. I had a toothache and a severe headache for most of the trip but I soldiered on and managed to have a decent time.

This is the first year that I haven’t been at home for Christmas and the second year in a row that I have been in Vegas for New Years. Of course I didn’t go to the Las Vegas Strip, as I have said countless times before, I’m not a big fan of people. Plus it was cold outside. My family and I went to the New Year’s Party at the place where we were staying then we left early and toasted in the New Year in private. I know it doesn’t sound like a great way to bring in the New Year, but I enjoyed it.

Not so happy return: I started my New Year in Cleveland by being told I needed to get a root canal. I had the first part done today and I have to go back next week….yeah.

Speaking of a root canal, I watched the Ohio State Buckeyes lose last night. The only good thing I can say is that it was exactly what I expected. When the Buckeyes scored a touchdown and I looked at the time, I immediately prepared myself for Texas to score a touchdown and win because that is just what happens in Ohio sports (especially Cleveland sports). The irony is that the commentator even made a reference to the time and what some OSU fans might be thinking. The ending of the game was neither upsetting to me nor frustrating. I was ready for it. It still broke my heart a little, but not as badly as it would have if I had been dumb enough to actually believe they would win. Don’t get me wrong, I would have been really happy if they had pulled the upset, but I’m a veteran of losing by one play or one call or inches or seconds or in an especially embarrassing manner, so I find comfort in the fact that OSU was not blown out this time and little surprise in the fact that they couldn't pull it out. It does make me wonder if the hex on Cleveland has somehow been transported to Columbus as well, because I remember when OSU used to win those kind of games and I swear they had a National Title in like 2002. It’s no longer enough to own the Big Ten, OSU needs to win a big game again.

There are actually a few other things I would like to blog about but I’ll do that another day.

Status: Happy that the right side of my face is no longer numb.