New Year's Resolution...a Little Early

I can feel myself trying to slack but I'm not going to do it this time. I am going to stay focused. 2012 will be the first year in which I achieve my big goal. I have to stop being satisfied with small victories. It's time for me to win the battle once and for all. I will have a career as a writer by the end of 2012. I know I can do it.

Starving For Love Has a New Price

I did it! I have changed the price of the Kindle version of Starving for Love to 99 cents. I’m definitely going to keep it that way during the holiday season and depending on sales, I may keep it that way a little longer. My main purpose is to get more people to read the story.

In other news, winter break is almost here. I have so many things to do. Number one is to edit the next chapter of Places to Heal and get that posted. After that, I’m hoping to update Slices of Apple Pie.

Fear Factor

I saw that Fear Factor is back. I can't watch the show because some of the scenes gross me out and leave me feeling icky. The idea of bees all around me is horrible. I can't watch it without feeling like something is crawling on me. I could maybe deal with having snakes crawl all over me, but I don't know. The sad part is that I like a lot of the other things. I think the physical challenges are usually awesome, but the rodent, bug, insect, creepy crawly thing is too much.

In other news, I need to write a good introduction paragraph so that I can have it on standby. I had a long experience with one today and I don't want that to happen again.

Adventure

I'm being adventurous with love for the first time in my life. I've always been the caustious type but I'm slowly breaking out of my shell. It almost feels like I'm becoming someone else. This isn't a butterfly thing, but this is me doing my best to be open to all that life may bring.

A Tale of Two Hearts

I’m trying to update more regularly. Today I decided to post a random poem like I used to do when I didn’t have much to say.

A Tale of Two Hearts

I grab the jagged edges of the broken heart you left behind
And I hold it to my chest and squeeze it tight.
I couldn’t fight any harder than I did
So I’m okay with my bloody hands
Because your hands won’t bleed like mine.

If we switched positions, your hands would still be clean
You wouldn’t allow yourself to hold something wounded
You’d shave the edges of the broken heart and fill in the voids
Then you’d say it was fixed
You wouldn’t care that it was smaller and missing pieces
Because your eyes have been trained to overlook the details.

I like the details, even the ones that draw blood
I want to be able to identify where it hurts, so I can begin to heal
You may be winning now, but when it’s all said and done
My heart will look like new and yours will look worn.

The Itch

I spent a lot of yesterday writing a new story. I stayed up about an hour later than I usual do on a Sunday night, but I woke up this morning feeling better than I have in a long time. I love being inspired. I love the sweet agony of being tortured by characters vying for my attention. I know it sounds crazy, but there’s a world in my head that most people probably couldn’t even imagine. I’m focused right now. I have a date set and a goal in mind. It’s frustrating to have this story trapped inside of me and not have the proper time to write it because I have to work.

I miss staying up all night working on a story. I miss writing until my eyelids start to close on their own. I miss having three hours of sleep and not caring, because all I can think about is getting back to the computer to write more of the story. I don’t know why I’m suddenly feeling anxious, but I have this sinking thought that if I don’t do it now, I’ll never do it. I have to establish myself now. I have to work hard now. I have to find a way to stay focused this time. I can’t keep bouncing back and forth.

I have like this itch inside of me. I don’t know what it is, but now is the time. I’m certain of that.

Look Out World, Here I Come

I have a new goal for myself. I hope to make a living as a writer by June 2012. I’m tired of talking the talk. I refuse to still be in the same position at this time next year. The only person who can change things is me. I need to get off my behind and hustle. If I’m not willing to lose sleep in order to pursue my dream then maybe I don’t deserve them. I always talk about people who don’t put forth effort, but I need to look in the mirror. I can and I will do this.

Status: Feeling reinvigorated.

Black Friday Rant

I just tweeted about the unfortunate dismantling of an American holiday. People complain that Christmas is commercialized, but what about Thanksgiving? I don’t know about you, but I haven’t seen too many turkey displays in my area. I have, however, seen and heard about Black Friday ad nauseam. It’s all everyone is talking about, even the news. I understand that there are some amazing deals on Black Friday, but opening at 12am is just as ridiculous as opening at 3am the years before. There are people camping out in parking lots, skipping Thanksgiving, so that they can be first in line for the Black Friday deals. I understand that the deals are incredible. I understand that stores do a lot of their business on Black Friday, but come on! Enough is enough. Thanksgiving is supposed to be about being thankful for what you have, like your family. It isn’t supposed to be about waiting in line so that you can be thankful for the tv that you snagged for $299 instead of $700.

Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the one who doesn’t get it. I know we’re in a recession. I know times are hard. Maybe there’s a kid out there who wouldn’t have a really nice Christmas present if his father didn’t camp out at a store on Thanksgiving. It just seems like all the emphasis on material things is taking away from the emphasis on family.

I have nothing against people who go shopping on Black Friday, but I miss the old days, where you spent Thanksgiving with your family then you got up early the next day and went shopping.

I always thought Thanksgiving was about being thankful for what you have and spending quality time with the people you love. How did I miss the memo about the changes? When did it become about getting the best deal?

Side note: I confess that I have never gone shopping on Black Friday, but I know people who have and I am open to the possibility of going one year, but I wouldn’t camp out and miss Thanksgiving for any deal in the world.

A Dream Deferred

I woke up this morning and tried to figure out what the hell I’m doing with my life. Am I really just a dreamer? I can’t accept that yet. Every few months, I get inspired and I spend a day or maybe even a week, focusing on my writing and promoting Lustyville and LT Ville, then my energy fades and I’m back to focusing on my day job and neglecting Lustyville and the people who read my stories. To be honest, I infuriate myself sometimes. I have to break this pattern. I need to “go hard” with writing and promotion for an extended period of time.

I’ve been on twitter for a while and I’ve only recently discovered some important features. I googled Lustyville and found some items from an online shop I was going to open are currently available online, but wait, there’s a punchline: most of the items are blank because I never went back and uploaded my logo. Yay! Go me! I’m very annoyed with myself right now.

The kicker for me came last week when some of my students were telling me about their dreams. I couldn’t help but think of my own dreams. I should be actively pursuing writing; instead, I’m embracing my current situation. Who does that? Yes I have bills to pay, but lots of people maintain a day job while working towards achieving their dreams. I don’t want fame. I’ve never wanted that because I don’t like the idea of being harassed in public. I just want to make writing my full time job. I want to be paid to sit at home and write all day or all night. I want to love my job and the only job I can imagine loving forever, is writing.

Random thought:
It’s nice to have this blog so I can vent to myself.

Jamie Hubley

I don't know why, but I feel very emotional after reading the article on Jamie Hubley . I haven't posted in months and this story made me want to write something. This kid was Sam in so many ways and reading his story was like seeing what could have happened to Sam. I know Sam isn't real and he's just a character in one of my stories, but today he seems like so much more. I think I'm going to try to give away a few copies of Starving for Love. Maybe I'll even autograph them and include a note of encouragement or something. People like Jamie need to know Sam. I know some people will say that Sam is too dark of a character and he might depress the person even more, but I don't think so. What's better than knowing that other people feel exactly the same way that you do? What's better than following that person as they reach rock bottom and slowly try to get better?

I don't know what I'm going to do but I feel compelled to act and sharing Sam's story is all I have to offer.

Shameless Promotion Begins

I actually spent the last few hours shamelessly promoting myself. It felt good.

It looks like I may be slightly behind my deadline for the new update, but I plan to have it out this week. It's weird to suddenly take myself seriously. I'm actually updating things and keeping track of information. I wonder how long I can keep this going.

Lustyville Branding Begins...

Okay, I just want to take a minute and pat myself on the back. I accomplished every goal I had for myself during my one week spring break. I finished editing Starving for Love. I am self-publishing it! The story should be out in a week or so. I made Someone’s Husband available on Kindle. It’s one of my short stories and I did it to kind of test the idea. I might post some more short stories on Kindle.

It feels good to be goal oriented again and to actually have the time to meet those goals.

My next step is to design t-shirts so I can sell those. I figure I need to get these things done while I’m still inspired to do so. I joined Twitter and Facebook as Lustyville and now I need to make a commitment to update both of them on a semi-regular basis. I want to post snippets of some of my stories on Facebook. I’m young, but I’m not an advanced Facebook user, so I’m still working on posting links and all those things.

All in all, it was a good week and very peaceful.

Leonardo DiCaprio Has Already Made Out With a Man On Camera

Okay so I occasionally troll for gossip. My sister is a gossip fiend who is glued to her iPhone reading the latest juicy tidbits so I like to read gossip from time to time and shock her with what I know. Anyway, I had some free time today and I went to one of my sister’s many gossip favorites: Mediatakeout. I saw the headline “WTF????Leonardo To Play A GAY MAN in New Movie…And Will Have A MAKE OUT SCENE…With Another MALE ACTOR!!” My first thought was, “um he’s done that before,” but being a former Leo lover, I had to click on it and read the story. The link led to an article from The Huffington Post. The article reported that Leonardo DiCaprio was going to play J. Edgar Hoover and that Leo would be kissing another man.

When I think of Leo kissing another man, I think of this small movie named “Total Eclipse.” I saw it when I was a teenager (thank you IFC). Leo had a twisted love affair with a man in that movie. They kissed and everything. I think they were poets or something like that. Leo’s character was clearly much younger than his lover and this was during the time when I had a thing for Leo, so I didn’t like that he was kissing an older man.

On a completely inappropriate note, the guy playing Leo’s lover in the Hoover movie is a cutie patootie and I can’t wait to see Leo making out with him. I can live without the Leo in a dress part, but I definitely want more of Leo kissing Armie Hammer.

Leo and Armie Hammer:




I get that only about three people actually saw “Total Eclipse,” but does no one know that Leo was young and hot when he did his first male-male onscreen kisses? Wait, I need a moment. Lol. I really did used to love Leonardo DiCaprio. He and Jonathan Brandis could do no wrong when I was younger. Ahh, the memories. RIP Jonathan.

Young Leo:



Jonathan Brandis:



Yes, there were better pictures of Jonathan and Leo on the internet. I liked Leo’s because it looks like he’s trying to be tough and I liked this one of Jonathan because of the dog and the lighting. It felt like a good picture of someone who is gone.

News Flash: The Cavs Lose Again

I’m going to pretend the Cavs losing streak is solely based on their injuries. These guys have to learn how to play with each other, that’s all. Um, yeah. Sure. The only good thing about the Cavs losing streak is that we should have a good lottery position in addition to all the other things we received with the sign and trade. We already have the franchise record for longest losing streak, but I don’t want the league record. The guys only have a couple of games left to prevent it. :-(

Here is another random poem:

Take Me as I Am

My clothes are glued on so I can’t change for anything
The shoes on my feet fit like cement boots
Preventing me from leaping forward
Is that why you’re always leaving me behind?

If you loved me, you would wait.
That’s what real men do.
They take your hand and stand by your side
Some even pick you up and carry you to where you need to be
But I guess that’s them, not you.

I can’t be anyone else
This is what I wear and how I look
These clothes aren’t like yours—they don’t move.
Your clothes are loose and free
Your shoes are like gloves for your feet
You run and jump and walk ahead
While I stand in place and stare at your backside
I’m not fast enough for you
And you’re not willing to slow down.

I Still Love Christian and Oliver

I finally had a chance to catch up on some of my soap opera men. Christian and Oliver have a black baby! What the hell? I watched one of their recent episodes and they have baby drama going right now. Apparently the baby’s birth father wants the little girl back so she may be leaving Germany and going back to Cameroon. I wish I had the time to follow their storyline again, but there is too much else going on in my life right now.

My Cavs are still losing. It’s gotten so bad that I went to a local bar last night and not one television had the basketball game on. I guess they didn’t want any out of control drunks at their establishment.

I’m editing Starving for Love again. I was considering self-publishing it, but I think I’m going to enter Amazon’s breakthrough novel contest first. Hopefully I have a chance to enter it. I’m going to do my best to re-edit the story and get it ready for the contest. I don’t think most people will like it, but it could use the exposure before I self-publish it.

I hope to get the next update of Places to Heal posted in early February. I’m working on developing a new grading routine so it should free up more time to focus on doing what I love doing the most: writing.

I don’t know if I’ve shared it before, but just for kicks, here is one of my favorite clips of Christian and Oliver:



I love the way Ollie says “Christian” when he’s standing at the door. And don’t get me started on the symbolism of Christian unlocking the door and letting Ollie in. Okay, I’ll stop now.

Happy New Year!

2011 is off on the right foot! For the first time, in I don’t know how many years, I actually think I might be able to focus enough to accomplish some of my big goals. I managed to meet my short list of goals for the first day of the new year and I’m proud of myself.

I may have been overly ambitious with my goals for the Cleveland Cavaliers. I thought they could get the 8th seed, and they started out fine, but their recent games show me that they’ll be lucky just to get out of the cellar. The worst part is that they are actually not as bad as their record says they are. Oh well, another disappointing season. Even when we were winning, we still fell short in the playoffs, maybe this year they’re trying to spare the fans from having any semblance of hope for the season. If so, then they are doing a great job. I know I threw my hopes out the window, yet, like any respectable Cleveland sports fan, I continue to watch their games.