I’m ready to begin a new chapter in my life. Unfortunately my readiness is not matched by recent events. It seems things that were once marching ahead at a frantic beat have slowed down to a dull pulse. If I don’t do something that is out of character soon, I’m going to explode. I need to do something that’s “not me” because I feel like not being me for a few hours. I’m thinking I should direct my excess energy in to writing and create another story. I don’t know. That seems too close to the rational thing to do. My life is becoming a bit too organized and too routine. Anyhow, I’m itching for change so to speak. I get this way every now and then. A little stir-crazy mixed with a lot of natural crazy can be a bad combination. I have to do something. Maybe I’ll go for a long walk tomorrow. That sounds good. I actually wish I could just sit in a room and spend the day relaxing and thinking.
Perhaps the out of control class was too much for me today. They certainly sent me home with a headache. Ironically enough, I asked the vice-principal to sit in on the class today because I thought that would help the students behave, yeah so apparently I thought wrong. I need to figure out a new plan of attack. I’m going to come up with something to get them to be better again. I know they can do it, because they suckered me in with their good behavior for the first week. I can bring something better out of them, even if it drives me even more insane in the process.
So here is yet another poem. This one is from one of my bad days:
What I’m Worth
I hear the people saying things,
The stigma has attached itself to me
Like an unwanted coat of arms
Here is what I am, what I’m thinking
Nothing good, nothing nice.
That’s what they’re saying.
I no longer have the right to speak for myself
When I speak, it’s for everyone
But I know everyone doesn’t agree
So I choose not to speak at all.
They mock my silence,
Trying to goad me in to responding.
I hear the voices saying things,
Thoughts hand delivered by a box
And words on a screen
I don’t own anything anymore
Not even my own space
The voices tell me this.
A wallflower has transformed in to a bump on a log
It seems backwards, like regression at its best
They watch and measure the change
Cautiously appraising the new value
The people are saying they’re done with me
An assessment has been made.
Status: Praying for change on a personal level.
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3 comments:
sometimes i have days that are so organized for me, that i feel like the day is pointless to even live because i know what's planned ahead.
those days are the worst...but i'm not saying i want to die on those things or something, but i do like days where spontaneous things happen that are not according to the plan. that's a good idea to change things for yourself instead of waiting for change like i do. that way, maybe all days wouldn't be so pointless to me :)
I know how you feel. i immediately understood what you meant by the day being pointless to even live. it's almost like, why bother, when you know how it begins, how its going to go and how it's going to end. on those type of days i always find myself looking forward to the end of the day because that means the torture is over.
i know, i feel so bad for the people who do the exact same thing everyday like a herd of sheep. it's no wonder so many people are depressed these days...
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