I Don't Feel Bad

Not having to do my old job was like a weight lifted off my shoulder today. I didn’t realize how much I truly hated that job until I woke up this morning and didn’t have to do it. The feeling was amazing. Any doubts I had yesterday are gone. I’m not going to worry about it. What I did needed to be done.

I saw an old friend today. I hadn’t seem them in like nine years so it was nice, but the best part was that I like the person they’ve become and I’m happy they suggested we actually hang out for a change. We’ve kept in touch off and on, but after spending some quality time with them today, it’s almost as if we never stopped being friends and I definitely plan on keeping in contact more frequently.

I think for all the ways I’ve changed, I’ve still remained the same in all the ways that count.

Major Changes

I’ve been known to be impulsive from time to time and today is no exception. I quit my job today. What is wrong with me? Given today’s economy, how could I just walk away from stable income? I’m still trying to figure that out. Luckily I picked up a part-time job a few months ago, so that should help until I find another full-time job but I’m ridiculous. I know what my problem is. The problem is that I only love writing, and by writing, I don’t mean technical writing like what I was doing, but rather, writing like this and creative writing. I enjoy writing about myself and about things that are happening around me and I absolutely could not live without writing stories and poetry. I need to figure out a way to make writing my career because its my passion and I know that no job I find is going to make me happy unless it involves the type of writing I enjoy doing. Yes, I’ve said that before but this time I mean it. I thought just finding a writing job would do the trick, but my former job taught me otherwise. What’s the point in writing if I hate what I’m writing? I don’t have to love everything I write, and truthfully I have yet to love anything that I’ve written, but I do need to like what I’ve written. I don’t want to write something and then never want to read it again like I did with the things I wrote for my job.

Now I have to figure out how to make this new turn in the road work for me and not against me. The good news is that I’ll have more free time than usual, but I still won’t be completely free because I have to find another job and I’ll probably increase the hours of my part-time job. Man it sucks not having a real job! Oh wait, that’s my fault. What did I do this time?

A quick poem I wrote today:

Ungrateful

Jobless and sad
But not homeless and broken
Weak like watered down tea
Begging for the bag to steep a little longer
Too little flavor becomes too much
Too bitter to taste
I spit out what once was mine.

Emotional status: Riding an emotional rollercoaster. Looking forward to the future at the moment, but feeling fearful of the drop I see in front of me.

Darn Morals

Job hunting is harder than it seems. I mean I didn’t expect it to be easy given the state of the economy, but I also didn’t expect to laugh at so many scams. Luckily I know better than to give out money. Everybody wants money and so many people are willing to screw over other people to get it. I’m not one of those people who will do anything for money. If I was, then I would have been rich a long time ago. Sometimes it sucks to have morals. My morals keep me from doing so many different things. I’ll never forget a line Kevin Bacon said in Hollow Man “Its amazing what you can do when you don’t have to look at yourself” or something like that. I haven’t seen the movie in a while, so that isn’t exactly what he said. Anyway I bring that up because it’s true. There are so many things I would do if I didn’t have to look at myself. Although I’m not sure why I’m writing this online. I think I’m getting carried away with this whole blogging thing.

Emotional status: Feeling fine, I guess.

About The Weekend...

My plans were completely screwed up over the weekend. I’m not sure how, but I ended up out of town again! For someone who is accustomed to being at home a lot, being gone so many weekends in a row is a major adjustment for me. Things feel a little out of balance and at the same time I’m beginning to put things in perspective. I have to find another job. That’s just all there is to it. I’m miserable and I’m too young to be miserable.

Emotional status: Saddened by my current position in life.

What Would Dr. King Do?

I just finished writing my news blog and that got me thinking about Dr. King’s dream. He argued for the equality of everyone, but he was a minister so I wonder what he would say about gay rights. The optimist in me feels that he would understand the wish to be seen as equal, but the realist in me, wonders if he would have been able to maintain his followers or if he would have lost them when he addressed the issue.

I was curious so I looked online to see what I could find. There are people arguing both positions, some say that Dr. King would have to support gay rights because he was an advocate for human rights for all, but others say that his religion would prevent him from supporting gay rights. I’d like to believe that Dr. King, being the leader that he was, would have understood that he should support gay rights regardless of his personal reservations. He was always outspoken and he wasn’t afraid to speak up when he felt something was wrong, and I want to believe that he would speak up for a person’s right to love whomever they choose to love because he would understand that the fundamental argument is not about personal beliefs, but rather personal rights.

One of his daughters doesn’t think that her father would have supported gay rights and maybe she knows something I don’t. I will say this though, if Dr. King was still alive and he did not support gay rights, I would have less respect for him, because we’re either all equal, or we’re not. Discrimination in any form is still discrimination, and you can’t stand up against discrimination and then discriminate yourself. He wouldn’t have to agree with whom some people love, but he couldn’t stand up and profess equality of all in one breath and then explain why certain people shouldn’t have equal rights with the other. Things don’t work that way. There’s a name for people who say one thing and do another: politicians. No I’m just kidding, they’re called hypocrites and I don’t think Dr. King would have been one, because not only was he better than that, he was also smarter than that. He was smart enough to separate his religious beliefs from his beliefs about human rights and to understand that the two did not necessarily have to always be the same.

Emotional status: Not so good. I was feeling rather reflective today. I always wanted to make a difference in the world and I’m starting to realize that may never happen and that makes my heart hurt.

Hello, I'm Weird

I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately. I think I call myself weird or odd too often. I do it without really giving it much thought, but I noticed it today and yesterday. I guess it’s like a disclaimer because I know I do strange things, so it’s easier for me to explain that I’m weird before I do something strange. I don’t have a problem with being weird. I accept it and embrace it. When I say normal is overrated, I mean it. I don’t say it just to say it.

I enjoy having discussions with people about what is normal and what isn’t. Everyone has some trait that isn’t considered normal, but some people choose to hide it and only share it with their closest friends, while I choose to be who I am. Take it or leave it. Some days I may annoy you to death, or try to talk you to death and other days I may sit next to you and barely say two words. Obviously I talk to my friends and my family the most so they’ve adjusted to my peculiar ways, which is a good thing because I know they love me for me.

The problem I’m having though is that my heightened awareness of what I say has me wondering how it comes across. What do people think when I tell them I’m weird. I know I’ll forget all about it in a couple of days, but right now, I can’t help but wonder.

Emotional status: I was content most of today, but now I’m starting to feel a little down.

Hum Drum

I am ready to post an update to the group so I’m happy about that because I’m usually a few days off schedule. I’m getting better with my time management, despite being out of town a lot more than usual. Blogging is helping me get a little more focused and I like being able to read my thoughts from other days. It’s been a long time since I kept a journal.

I worked hard again today. I think I like my job a little less each day. It’s not manual labor but it’s exhausting in its own depressing way. I’m not sure if I’m cut out to do a profession that requires little to no creativity. I’m too odd and imaginative to stifle myself the way I’ve been doing. I wish creativity paid more though.

Emotional status: In a funk and not sure why.