I Said Please

I am getting tired of helping other people. Does that make me a bad person? If I don’t even want to do my own work, what makes you think I want to help you do yours? I feel bad when I have thoughts like that, like I’m guilty of some offense that makes me less of a friend. I know it should be okay for me to say no from time to time, but I don’t really like the sound of no. I’m not saying I can’t say no, but rather the only people I enjoy saying no to are salesmen and children; salesmen because they’re annoying and children because they need to learn that they won’t hear yes every time they ask for something. I remember telling my niece no once and she responded by saying, “I said please” as if by her adding please to her original question, my response should have been an automatic yes. I found it amusing, but I didn’t laugh at her, instead, I explained to her that saying please does not mean the answer will be yes.

I need to make myself less helpful and less available. It’s a shame I know I won’t.

Status: Wishing I was less of a pleaser.

Just a Thought

Okay, here’s a random poem I wrote:

A Word You Shouldn’t Say

There’s a word you shouldn’t say,
Attached to images and ancestors and things that shouldn’t be forgotten
One word with the slickness of a sucker punch and the aim of a marksman
Fine tuned by time to not only slice and cut but to spread as well
Memories of the past woven intricately around two syllables
Like a multi-colored quilt of the old and the new
Built with layers of items no longer wanted
And constantly adding new pieces
There’s a word that has transcended the boundaries of language
A word that has dared to attempt to define itself.

There’s a word you shouldn’t say,
Attached to different meanings made famous and infamous by opposite colors
One word with a definition that changes and adapts to the situation
Fine tuned from person to person, group to group and time to time
Memories of its use are shared and individualized
Like a vase carefully molded by other people’s hands
Built with the same material but baring a shape all its own
And constantly carrying the burden of its birth
There’s a word that has evolved in to something bigger than its size
A word that has dared to bring itself to life.


Status: Thinking about the news.

Lustyville Has Gone to Hollyoaks

Hello, my name is Lustyville and I am addicted to Hollyoaks. Darn you John Paul and Kieron and even you Craig, because I hear you’re returning! My addiction began like any other addiction. I saw a few clips of the show on YouTube and it looked interesting. I started looking for more clips. Soon I was staying up half the night watching the love story of John Paul and Craig, John Paul and Spike, and of course the most recent one, John Paul and Kieron (formerly known as Father Kieron). I had to get up to date. It wasn’t optional, it was a necessity. I was constantly thinking about the show and wondering what happened in the episodes I hadn’t seen yet, so much so that I neglected blogging and updating my group and a few other tasks that I probably should have done. Fortunately, kind YouTube users edited the show so that I could focus my attention on the couple who I cared about the most which was always John Paul and some boy/man.

I thought John Paul really outdid himself with getting Craig to pick him over Sarah, but then Father Kieron came along. I want to know what the hell does John Paul have for a priest to abandon his vow of celibacy and ultimately give up the cloth entirely just so he can be with John Paul? I mean damn, can I have a little of that? I promise to only use my powers for good.

So now I’m up to date with the story and I can relax a little. John Paul and Kieron are together, but the rumor mill is saying that Craig is coming back to town. Ahh! It’s too much! The guy who plays John Paul is supposed to be leaving the show and the guy who plays Craig is only going to be back for a short time, so everyone is saying that John Paul will leave Kieron for Craig and John Paul and Craig will have a sunset ending. Is it true? Will they? Won’t they? I can’t wait until I see how everything plays out.

I’m sure I’ll have another addiction next week, but Hollyoaks was definitely the flavor of this week. Why can’t Noah and Luke be like John Paul and his men?

(On a side note, Niall is so unbelievably devious and psychotic, but my goodness he’s a cutie pie. There I said it.)

Status: Wishing the John Paul storyline could be updated everyday :-(.

But You've Returned

I had a boring day. I managed to post another update today so I’m proud of myself because I did it early but that’s about it. I decided to share another poem:


But You’ve Returned

Prospects of continuations of memories once cherished
Form in my mind and captivate my imagination
You’ve returned to me.

A stark contrast from the sudden departure that marked your exit
There wasn’t sadness or grieving, only a lack of closure
But you’ve returned.

Confusion controls the situation and manipulates my motivations,
Scoffing at the chance to mold a conclusion to what was once open-ended
Your return was unexpected.

Decisions are needed in order to finalize the connection
Either strings will be cut or strings will be tied
But what if your return is a lie?

No promises made regarding future departures,
Just a request to let the present stand on its own
You’ve returned with conditions.

The past remains unchanged by new beginnings
And my heart remains attached to you, yet devoted to someone else
But you’ve returned.

My requests for commitments are one sided
There is no precedence for you to establish roots
Your return is clearly temporary.

Clarity is given by your failure to acknowledge tomorrow
And imaginary scissors release the attachments
But you proclaim your much awaited return.

The end seems slight given the years devoted to possibilities
No fireworks or tears or sleepless nights
You’ve returned without wanting to stay.

Never giving up was a mistake made of complete free will
While letting go was dictated by necessity
But you’ve returned, only to leave again.


Status: Stable.

Waves of Obsessions

I have a slightly obsessive personality and I know I do, the only good thing is that I also have a short attention span that prevents me from getting too obsessed. I move from obsession to obsession with ease. One day I only want oatmeal for breakfast then the next week I may want eggs or cereal or something. I may be obsessed with a story and check for updates a few times a day and then I may go a week or more without checking once. My obsessions, like my moods, come in waves.

Status: Trying to work through my latest obsession.

Losing Your Temper is Dangerous for Your Health and Your Phone

I was recruited to do manual labor again today. That’s the pitfall of having a flexible schedule and making it known that I do most of my real work in the evening and at night. I think I should start working during the day. I was going to try that today. I had a whole schedule made out and, just like I predicted, someone else made plans for my time. Maybe I jinxed myself by saying it would happen.

My father needed two people to help, so my sister was recruited as well, because she’s a substitute teacher so she has the summer off, and because we’re both free labor and capable of doing simple tasks.

Let me paint the scene:

Three adults, squished in a small green truck with the windows rolled down because the truck doesn’t have air conditioning (I don’t know how my father does it. I’ve been spoiled with air conditioning so I never look forward to going for a ride in his truck in the summer). Picture me in the middle, without a headrest and with my body angled because my father has a stick shift. We pull up to our destination and everyone in the truck knows that I have to make a phone call before I get out, so my father gets out and starts gathering his things. Now picture me making that important phone call to my real estate agent. I’m in the middle of leaving a message telling her what I need from her, when my sister starts screaming and pushing against me. I keep relaying the message, but I turn to see what’s going on with my sister. There are two bees circling around the side mirror. Once I’m done leaving my message, I tell my sister, “Let up the window.” You would think that would be obvious since we’re getting out anyway so it’s not like we’re going to roast or anything.

We wait in the truck for my father to talk to the people. The people aren’t home so my father decides we’ll come back another day and he’ll take a few measurements before we leave. I have three bottles of water in my lap and my phone because the agent might call me back at any second. My father needs help with the measurements so he asks my sister to help him. She puts her notebook and a book she’s reading in my lap and she gets out. She swings the truck door wide open and then walks away, telling me to close it. I yell at her, “Why didn’t you close the door? You know my hands are full!”

I put her books next to me, throw the waters on the dashboard and hop over to close the door only to have my phone go flying off my lap and on to the ground. I jump out the car to grab my phone and when I get the phone, I see that the back cover has come off. My father tells me he’ll get it, so I move to sit, only to hit the back of my head on the truck as I’m sitting down. My father passes me the back cover and I put it on and my phone is fine. I start laughing to myself. What happened wasn’t really funny, but it was to me. It was one of those ‘it figures’ moments. I was so upset with her that I wasn’t thinking straight, so it figured that something bad would happen to me. I was just happy that it wasn’t anything too bad. Karma people, karma.

Status: Reclaiming my positive energy.

Another Deadline Met

I had another laid back kind of day. I was proud of myself because I got my next update posted to the group by my deadline. I always feel good when I make the deadlines. Now I have to check over the next Starving for Love update. I was thinking about releasing it earlier than usual, but I haven’t decided.

I think my three week vacation did wonders for my writing. I missed it so much that I’ve spent a great deal of my free time since my return, writing new stories and continuing old ones. It’s almost like it was when I first started my group. The only difference is that I don’t have as much free time.

I’m debating on sitting down and making a schedule for next week, but I know it will be a waste of time. It’s hard enough for me to stick to my schedule when it’s just me, but its summer, so there are more people than usual with their hands out for my time.

Status: Excited about my progress.

No Spam Please

This morning I checked my email, only to find that more spam had been posted to my group. I immediately went to action to try to remedy the situation because I don’t want my group to be associated with spam and I don’t want people who come to read and discuss stories to have to sift through spam.

Surprisingly, I didn’t let the spam mess up my day. I had a decent day and I’ve decided that it is past time for me to get back to my website. I may add another short story to it or something like that, but I need to do something to it because I haven’t done anything in a long time

Status: Ready to make moves.

Uninvited

I realized today that the reason why I’m not a big fan of unannounced visitors is because I prefer to mentally prepare myself for visitors and when someone drops by unannounced, I don’t have time to prepare. I had a relative drop by today and they were the second unannounced visitor I’ve had in the past three days. I understand that my family and I were gone for a long time and people want to see us, but is it too much to ask that people call first? Calling does everyone involved a favor. Calling allows me to get ready to socialize with company and calling assures the company that they are not wasting their gas or their time and energy stopping by to see me. What if I wasn’t here? I’m not saying people should call hours in advance or anything like that. I’m saying, if you’re around the corner, or down the street and you’re thinking about stopping by, just call and say something like, “I was headed your way and I just wanted to make sure you were home.” I promise I’ll respond kindly and I’m not going to tell you I’m running late or on my way out, unless that’s the truth. I don’t mind as little as a two minute warning. I just want a warning.

Status: Thinking I need to find a way to be happy people care.

You Fix It This Time!

I spent most of my day doing manual labor again. I helped my father fix a sink at one property and then I helped him fix a light fixture at a different property. My father has a hard time being the bad guy, and by that I mean, he has a hard time confronting tenants about things they’ve done wrong. He usually blames my mother, and says this like, “My wife won’t like that” or “My wife told me to ask about” or “My wife said no.” It’s always been amusing to me because he uses those excuses so naturally. They’re a part of his repertoire now. The bad part is that my mother is usually not around to say anything, so the tenants always view my mother as the bad guy and my father as the good guy who’s on their side.

I bring this up because of what happened today. My father went to pay the water bills for our house and his properties. One of the water bills was extremely high and the lady at the office told my father either he has a bad leak at that property or there are a lot of people living there. My father took me along and low and behold, the hot water in one of the sinks won’t turn off. I was with my father the last time when he fixed some water issues at that house and he told them if they ever had a leak, or anything like that to call him, and not to just let the water run. When I saw there was a problem with the water, I was pissed off, but my father seemed unfazed. Then the woman has the nerve to tell us it’s been like that for a while. What the hell?

So, when we were fixing the sink, we found out that the tenant had another problem that she had called a plumber about because she said if she was responsible for the damage then she wanted to pay to have it fixed. It didn't involve water running so I was fine with her having someone else do it, however, my father volunteered to fix the problem for her. I’m standing next to him ready to pop him upside his head (figuratively, because I would never actually lay a hand on my father). We had to run an errand to go pick up something for the sink, so I talked to him about the situation while we were gone. I told him, “Dad, you should let her get the plumber. She’s going to pay the plumber to fix it, but she’s not going to pay you.” (This is the same lady I talked about before, who has completely ruined a newly renovated home in less than a year. And I don’t even want to think about how much it’s going to cost to fix the house once we get her out.) My father said, “Yeah, that’s true.” Then I put the icing on the cake and reminded him, “She didn’t tell you about the problem. If you hadn’t stopped by today, she wouldn’t have told you at all because she knows that you just fixed it a couple of months ago and that one of her kids messed it up. She said she wants to take responsibility if it’s her fault, so let her take responsibility.”

My father agreed with me, but then when we got back to the house and he pulled the lady aside to talk to her, he had me do the dirty work and tell her that he changed his mind and she could stick with her original plan and pay for it herself. If the sink wasn’t costing my father money, I probably would have told her to have the plumber fix that too, but it was, so I helped my father fix the sink and we were on our merry way.

Status: Wondering where I left my heart.

Sigh of Relief

I wasn’t sure what to post today. I feel better and I mean genuinely better than I did yesterday evening. What I needed yesterday was some alone time and I didn’t give myself that because napping doesn’t count as alone time since I wasn’t awake to enjoy it. This morning, I woke up and relaxed in bed for a while thinking about my next move and other random things and I’ve sailed through the day letting nothing really get to me.

Status: Peachy-keen.