Writing...Still

I wanted to write all day today, but I ended up doing everything but writing until late in the day. It's amazing how people don't need your time until after you've already made plans. It was okay though because I was more helpful to other people today than I have been in a long time. Sometimes it's good to feel useful. I wasn't working towards my purpose, but I was able to help someone else work towards theirs. I really enjoyed my day.

I was able to spend some time writing this evening. A new story came out of me. The story is kind of depressing and reminds me of Starving for Love, but it felt good to release some of the darkness and self-doubt that has kept me imprisoned for the past few years. I never thought I would write a story as sad as Starving for Love again. I'm not sure if I'll finish the new story. Maybe I just needed to get a chapter out my system. That said, I'm completely in love with the main character and the struggles that he's facing being left behind. We'll see if I share the story or scrap it. Either way, I had to let it out.

My goal for this week is to sneak in more time to write and to find a new way to advertise for Bump That.

Almost Through Another Month

January was a really good month for me. I pretty much rewrote Bump That. I removed the heavy political leanings and made it more of a story of Keith's next chapter in life than a story about politics.

Now that February is almost over, I'm still inspired to make this my most successful year yet. Not necessarily in terms of income, but definitely in terms of productivity and progress. I feel like this needs to be a year of change for me, so I'm working towards making that happen.

I'm still trying to figure out the right combination for my patreon page and to get myself properly motivated to post regular updates to my Yahoo group again. I know writing is good for me because my life is better when I use writing as a release. This is my year to pursue writing again. 

One day soon, writing will be my main source of income. It's going to happen because I'm going to make it happen. I'm all about the dream right now. #stillfeelingit

Bump That - Pre-order Now

Hey, look what I found on the first day of the new year:

Click here to pre-order.

The Last Day of the Year

It's after midnight so it's officially December 31st. This is the last day of the year and I'm feeling reflective. I've wasted so much time this year paralyzed by irrational fears and stifled by a job that constantly steals time from my other passions. I spent December desperately trying to get my life and myself back on track because I didn't recognize the person I had become.

I feel so much better about myself today than I did on December 1st. I have taken risks that I didn't think I would take and I am actively working to re-establish myself as an author. Bump That (the sequel to Bump This) will be out February 14, 2019. I'm done dragging my feet with the sequel and I'm done being afraid of what people will say about it. I want people to like it and to still relate to Keith, but I've reached the point where I don't care if people love it or hate it. I write for myself, not others. I've removed a lot of "political" aspects from the sequel, but I left some because it's part of Keith's college journey and I don't want to exclude it just because it might offend people. When I first started writing, I didn't shy away from uncomfortable topics and I don't see the logic in doing that now. I will continue to write whether Bump That sells one copy or one million copies. And today, that is all that matters to me.

I have so many things that I'd like to work on next year, but number one on my list is me. I'm slowly rediscovering the person I used to be. I love the old confident me and I can't wait to shed this current version of myself. I hope to one day view my lost years as the time that I spent in my cocoon becoming a butterfly. Mostly because I'm corny like that and I try to be "glass half full" as much as I can.

I am excited about the possibilities that the next year will bring. Now, I'm going to go to bed because I have a long last day of the year ahead of me.

Feedback is Good...Sometimes

So, I made the mistake of having a friend read the sequel to Bump This before I released it. I had a secret plan to release it early December with the hope that some people would give it as a Christmas present. Anyway, I trust my friend and he told me that the story is too political. I mean, I guess I can see what he's saying. The plot of the sequel is as much about navigating the waters of different political parties as it is about the continuation of Keith and D. I was in a political head space when I wrote this version of the story.

My friend knows that I am extremely nervous about releasing the sequel and he's probably going to read this blog post (Hi) so he'll also know that I'm telling the world it's his fault if Bump This isn't released before Christmas. I now need to go back and edit it to make sure the politics don't "hit you over the head."

I'm going to make the edits, but I'm not letting anyone else read it. I'm going to post it, typos, flaws and all. I don't know what I'm going to do after I hit Publish. I haven't decided if I should disappear from the internet for a while or if I should stick around and see what people say. No matter what the case, this is a mental hurdle that I feel like I need to get over before I can completely move forward.

Barely Breathing

I'm back...again. I randomly Googled myself today and one of my old blog posts came up. I wrote it eight years ago. I've changed so much over the past eight years. I've become one of those people who buries themselves in work in order to hide from life. I know I need to stop and I have bouts where I make an active effort to go out and be social, but it never lasts. I'm secretly unhappy and scared. I'm still not all the way over losing my mother three years ago; I have a love/hate relationship with my job; I'm filled with so much doubt about the sequel to Bump This that it's practically debilitating when it comes to doing the final edit and putting it out there. I haven't felt like myself in years and I don't know how to find my way back to the person I used to be. I keep dipping my toe in the water of what made me "me" then quickly pulling my foot back and sitting down on the sand. I need to jump in, but how do I do that when I can't even get my entire foot in the water yet?

And I'm sure no one even reads this blog anymore. Which is probably for the best. It's always been more for me than anyone else. I likely need to try to blog on a regular basis again. I think I was my happiest and most confident when I used my keyboard to pour out my inner most thoughts either in my blog or through the various characters who reside in my head. I used to have to battle with the characters about who was going to be let out for a little while to tell their story. Now, the characters barely say hello to me and when they do, they're usually screaming at me for ignoring them. In case you're wondering, no they aren't real voices, yes they are thoughts and storylines. 

I've randomly updated my Yahoo group and posted tweets over this dry spell, but I haven't indulged in the life I used to have. I know that I need to write because in many ways writing was/is my therapy. I need an outlet for my emotions and that's what writing is for me. And I say this as if I'm going to jump back in, but I know I'll likely take a few baby steps then back away. I'm hopeful that I won't, but I've been stuck in the same start, stop, repeat cycle for years. Anyway, I randomly felt like blogging and getting this out tonight. I'm done for the moment, but hopefully I'll be back soon.  

Doubt

I'm trying to make a comeback. I've uploaded the beginning of a new story and I'm working on the edits for the sequel to Bump This. I had to completely rewrite the sequel because I hated the original version. Now I'm nervous about finalizing the story and officially publishing it. I'm wondering if the original version was fine, but I self-sabotaged because I was afraid of putting the story out there. I never think anything I write is good enough. I was hoping to raise money to have the sequel edited by a professional, but I think that's going to be one more abandoned dream. I'll probably just publish it as is and hope for the best. Either way, it feels good to be devoting part of my time to writing again.