A Tale of Two Hearts

I’m trying to update more regularly. Today I decided to post a random poem like I used to do when I didn’t have much to say.

A Tale of Two Hearts

I grab the jagged edges of the broken heart you left behind
And I hold it to my chest and squeeze it tight.
I couldn’t fight any harder than I did
So I’m okay with my bloody hands
Because your hands won’t bleed like mine.

If we switched positions, your hands would still be clean
You wouldn’t allow yourself to hold something wounded
You’d shave the edges of the broken heart and fill in the voids
Then you’d say it was fixed
You wouldn’t care that it was smaller and missing pieces
Because your eyes have been trained to overlook the details.

I like the details, even the ones that draw blood
I want to be able to identify where it hurts, so I can begin to heal
You may be winning now, but when it’s all said and done
My heart will look like new and yours will look worn.

The Itch

I spent a lot of yesterday writing a new story. I stayed up about an hour later than I usual do on a Sunday night, but I woke up this morning feeling better than I have in a long time. I love being inspired. I love the sweet agony of being tortured by characters vying for my attention. I know it sounds crazy, but there’s a world in my head that most people probably couldn’t even imagine. I’m focused right now. I have a date set and a goal in mind. It’s frustrating to have this story trapped inside of me and not have the proper time to write it because I have to work.

I miss staying up all night working on a story. I miss writing until my eyelids start to close on their own. I miss having three hours of sleep and not caring, because all I can think about is getting back to the computer to write more of the story. I don’t know why I’m suddenly feeling anxious, but I have this sinking thought that if I don’t do it now, I’ll never do it. I have to establish myself now. I have to work hard now. I have to find a way to stay focused this time. I can’t keep bouncing back and forth.

I have like this itch inside of me. I don’t know what it is, but now is the time. I’m certain of that.

Look Out World, Here I Come

I have a new goal for myself. I hope to make a living as a writer by June 2012. I’m tired of talking the talk. I refuse to still be in the same position at this time next year. The only person who can change things is me. I need to get off my behind and hustle. If I’m not willing to lose sleep in order to pursue my dream then maybe I don’t deserve them. I always talk about people who don’t put forth effort, but I need to look in the mirror. I can and I will do this.

Status: Feeling reinvigorated.

Black Friday Rant

I just tweeted about the unfortunate dismantling of an American holiday. People complain that Christmas is commercialized, but what about Thanksgiving? I don’t know about you, but I haven’t seen too many turkey displays in my area. I have, however, seen and heard about Black Friday ad nauseam. It’s all everyone is talking about, even the news. I understand that there are some amazing deals on Black Friday, but opening at 12am is just as ridiculous as opening at 3am the years before. There are people camping out in parking lots, skipping Thanksgiving, so that they can be first in line for the Black Friday deals. I understand that the deals are incredible. I understand that stores do a lot of their business on Black Friday, but come on! Enough is enough. Thanksgiving is supposed to be about being thankful for what you have, like your family. It isn’t supposed to be about waiting in line so that you can be thankful for the tv that you snagged for $299 instead of $700.

Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the one who doesn’t get it. I know we’re in a recession. I know times are hard. Maybe there’s a kid out there who wouldn’t have a really nice Christmas present if his father didn’t camp out at a store on Thanksgiving. It just seems like all the emphasis on material things is taking away from the emphasis on family.

I have nothing against people who go shopping on Black Friday, but I miss the old days, where you spent Thanksgiving with your family then you got up early the next day and went shopping.

I always thought Thanksgiving was about being thankful for what you have and spending quality time with the people you love. How did I miss the memo about the changes? When did it become about getting the best deal?

Side note: I confess that I have never gone shopping on Black Friday, but I know people who have and I am open to the possibility of going one year, but I wouldn’t camp out and miss Thanksgiving for any deal in the world.

A Dream Deferred

I woke up this morning and tried to figure out what the hell I’m doing with my life. Am I really just a dreamer? I can’t accept that yet. Every few months, I get inspired and I spend a day or maybe even a week, focusing on my writing and promoting Lustyville and LT Ville, then my energy fades and I’m back to focusing on my day job and neglecting Lustyville and the people who read my stories. To be honest, I infuriate myself sometimes. I have to break this pattern. I need to “go hard” with writing and promotion for an extended period of time.

I’ve been on twitter for a while and I’ve only recently discovered some important features. I googled Lustyville and found some items from an online shop I was going to open are currently available online, but wait, there’s a punchline: most of the items are blank because I never went back and uploaded my logo. Yay! Go me! I’m very annoyed with myself right now.

The kicker for me came last week when some of my students were telling me about their dreams. I couldn’t help but think of my own dreams. I should be actively pursuing writing; instead, I’m embracing my current situation. Who does that? Yes I have bills to pay, but lots of people maintain a day job while working towards achieving their dreams. I don’t want fame. I’ve never wanted that because I don’t like the idea of being harassed in public. I just want to make writing my full time job. I want to be paid to sit at home and write all day or all night. I want to love my job and the only job I can imagine loving forever, is writing.

Random thought:
It’s nice to have this blog so I can vent to myself.