The Last Day of the Year

It's after midnight so it's officially December 31st. This is the last day of the year and I'm feeling reflective. I've wasted so much time this year paralyzed by irrational fears and stifled by a job that constantly steals time from my other passions. I spent December desperately trying to get my life and myself back on track because I didn't recognize the person I had become.

I feel so much better about myself today than I did on December 1st. I have taken risks that I didn't think I would take and I am actively working to re-establish myself as an author. Bump That (the sequel to Bump This) will be out February 14, 2019. I'm done dragging my feet with the sequel and I'm done being afraid of what people will say about it. I want people to like it and to still relate to Keith, but I've reached the point where I don't care if people love it or hate it. I write for myself, not others. I've removed a lot of "political" aspects from the sequel, but I left some because it's part of Keith's college journey and I don't want to exclude it just because it might offend people. When I first started writing, I didn't shy away from uncomfortable topics and I don't see the logic in doing that now. I will continue to write whether Bump That sells one copy or one million copies. And today, that is all that matters to me.

I have so many things that I'd like to work on next year, but number one on my list is me. I'm slowly rediscovering the person I used to be. I love the old confident me and I can't wait to shed this current version of myself. I hope to one day view my lost years as the time that I spent in my cocoon becoming a butterfly. Mostly because I'm corny like that and I try to be "glass half full" as much as I can.

I am excited about the possibilities that the next year will bring. Now, I'm going to go to bed because I have a long last day of the year ahead of me.

Feedback is Good...Sometimes

So, I made the mistake of having a friend read the sequel to Bump This before I released it. I had a secret plan to release it early December with the hope that some people would give it as a Christmas present. Anyway, I trust my friend and he told me that the story is too political. I mean, I guess I can see what he's saying. The plot of the sequel is as much about navigating the waters of different political parties as it is about the continuation of Keith and D. I was in a political head space when I wrote this version of the story.

My friend knows that I am extremely nervous about releasing the sequel and he's probably going to read this blog post (Hi) so he'll also know that I'm telling the world it's his fault if Bump This isn't released before Christmas. I now need to go back and edit it to make sure the politics don't "hit you over the head."

I'm going to make the edits, but I'm not letting anyone else read it. I'm going to post it, typos, flaws and all. I don't know what I'm going to do after I hit Publish. I haven't decided if I should disappear from the internet for a while or if I should stick around and see what people say. No matter what the case, this is a mental hurdle that I feel like I need to get over before I can completely move forward.

Barely Breathing

I'm back...again. I randomly Googled myself today and one of my old blog posts came up. I wrote it eight years ago. I've changed so much over the past eight years. I've become one of those people who buries themselves in work in order to hide from life. I know I need to stop and I have bouts where I make an active effort to go out and be social, but it never lasts. I'm secretly unhappy and scared. I'm still not all the way over losing my mother three years ago; I have a love/hate relationship with my job; I'm filled with so much doubt about the sequel to Bump This that it's practically debilitating when it comes to doing the final edit and putting it out there. I haven't felt like myself in years and I don't know how to find my way back to the person I used to be. I keep dipping my toe in the water of what made me "me" then quickly pulling my foot back and sitting down on the sand. I need to jump in, but how do I do that when I can't even get my entire foot in the water yet?

And I'm sure no one even reads this blog anymore. Which is probably for the best. It's always been more for me than anyone else. I likely need to try to blog on a regular basis again. I think I was my happiest and most confident when I used my keyboard to pour out my inner most thoughts either in my blog or through the various characters who reside in my head. I used to have to battle with the characters about who was going to be let out for a little while to tell their story. Now, the characters barely say hello to me and when they do, they're usually screaming at me for ignoring them. In case you're wondering, no they aren't real voices, yes they are thoughts and storylines. 

I've randomly updated my Yahoo group and posted tweets over this dry spell, but I haven't indulged in the life I used to have. I know that I need to write because in many ways writing was/is my therapy. I need an outlet for my emotions and that's what writing is for me. And I say this as if I'm going to jump back in, but I know I'll likely take a few baby steps then back away. I'm hopeful that I won't, but I've been stuck in the same start, stop, repeat cycle for years. Anyway, I randomly felt like blogging and getting this out tonight. I'm done for the moment, but hopefully I'll be back soon.